Islam & backbiting & gossipping?

Question

Everywhere I turn, it feels like I am partaking in backbiting. Even though I'm not saying anything, I'm always hearing someone talk about someone.

My sister-in-law is sometimes very difficult, and my other sister-in-law gets very frustrated by her and always vents her frustration with me. I listen because I want to give her advice in order to make their relationship better, but I always come away from the conversation with the feeling that I was backbiting/gossiping.

For those humble sisters that keep away from backbiting/gossiping, could you please share any advice that you may have?

Salam.

Answer 1

everyone is guilty of of it once in a while.  the key is that we all know when it is happening.  Its very easy to get swept up in it, especially when emotions are riding high.  So when you see it is starting, you have to make that sincere effort to either, change the subject, or dismiss yourself from the conversation altogether.  You cannot control what others do, only yourself.  

Answer 2

wa aleikis salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh

i understand what you mean.  it is very difficult specially if they don't think its' backbiting or wrong.

If they are Muslim and knows backbiting is wrong, then tell her, you don't mean to offend her, and you like to and want to help her by Allah.  And you fear Allah that if anything she says is backbiting, then you both will take part in its punishment.  Let her know that she can speak to you about it if its something to do with you being able to help her, if not, then she should find a way to solve it, or be patient.

Yes it is very hard to say it to someone most times.  But YOU DO FEAR ALLAH.. and the truth must be told, either directly or indirectly... but with wisdom inshallah.

If the person does not understand the meaning of backbiting and it's effects, try educating her on it.. keep giving da'wah, and be patient, and avoid as much as you can inshallah.

I'd give you an example.  If she is just speaking about the facts, and asking for advice sincerely, and takes the advice and tries it, and is being patient, and fearing Allah etc. then it should be okay as long as she's not doing this with everyone else also.  

Also to not go beyond limit.... meaning if she says things about this sister which are unnecessary, and no good in it, then there is no point to it, except backbite and slander... no good in it.  you must leave this inshallah.

If anyone identifies what I said as wrong, please correct me or e-mail inshallah.jazak allahu khair.

hope it helps inshallah.  wa aleikis salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh

Answer 3

Allah Most High has said:

Successful are the believers, who are humble in their prayers, and who turn away from pointless talk. [Al Qur’aan 23:1-3]

and:

Those who do not bear witness to what is false, but when they pass by pointless talk, pass by with dignity. [Al Qur’aan 25:72]

and:

When they hear pointless talk, they turn away from it. [Al Qur’aan 28:55]

"Pointless talk" [laghw] is speech which is futile and irrelevant, and bears no relation to any true purpose. It brings no benefit to the one who utters it, and may well bring him misfortune instead.

Ali (ra) related that the Messenger of Allah (saw) said,

"It is part of a man's sound practice of Islam that he leave alone that which is of no concern to him." [At-Tirmidhee, Ibn Maajah]

Dhu'l-Nun said,

"Whoever loves Allah lives truly, and whoever inclines to anything else damages his mind. A foolish man comes and goes, paying attention to what is nothing, while the intelligent man inspects his own thoughts scrupulously.

The Varying Forms of Wrongful Backbiting

fatwaislam.com

There are found amongst the people those that will backbite in accordance to

his gathering and his companions and his associates. Whilst his knowing that

the one being backbitten is free of what it is they say - or of some of what

they say. However; he sees that if he were to forbid them then the sitting

will cease and the people of the sitting would become sullen with him just

as they would become estranged from him. So he sees compliance with them

through good social relations as well as good companionship; so when they

become angered then he likewise becomes angry due to their being angered -

so he takes it up with them.

Then there are those that take backbiting out into many forms. So at times

it would be in the form of Religion and rectification, so he will say: 'I am

not in the habit of mentioning anyone except in good; and I neither like

backbiting nor lies. However I shall inform you of his affairs.' So He will

say: 'By Allaah - he is Miskeen (weak/pitied) - or he is a good man; however

he has in him such and such.' Or he may say: 'let us leave off him; may

Allaah forgive him and us.' Whilst his intent is to belittle him as well as

causing a wrong to his flank. Thus taking the backbiting out from the form

of rectification and Religion. They seek to deceive Allaah with that just as

they deceive the creation. For we have seen this and its like from them in

many varying colours.

Then there are those that will elevate other than himself out of showing off

- and then raise himself. So he will say: 'If I had supplicated for so and

so last night in my prayer; then there would have reached me from him such

and such.' So as to raise himself whilst putting him down with the one that

may have faith in him. Or he may say: 'so and so is dull in intelligence and

has little understanding.' So his intent is the praise of himself and

establishing his awareness of him - and that he is better than him.

Likewise from them are those that are carried by envy upon backbiting; and

so will gather between two ugly affairs: backbiting as well as envy. So when

an individual is praised, then he will try to remove that from him through

showing his deficiencies in the form of Religion and rectification - or in

the form of envy and immorality and dispraise - in order to remove that from

him.

Then there are those that take backbiting out into the form of mockery and

play; in order to bring laughter to other than himself through his joking

and his mimicry and his belittling of the one he is joking about.

Then there are those that take backbiting out into the form of amazement; so

he will say: 'I am amazed at so and so at how he does not do such and such?!

And from so and so as to how he fell into such and such; and how he did such

and such.' Thus pronouncing his name during the course of his amazement.

There are those from them that show sorrow; so he will say: 'so and so is

weak/pitied, it has caused me sorrow for what has happened to him and what

the outcome was for him.' So he who hears him thinks that he has sorrow for

him and that he is regretful and that his heart is covered in the attainment

of recovery for him; and if it were possible then he would add to that which

was with him. He may also mention him in front of his enemies so that they

may profit from it. So this; and other than it is from amongst the greatest

of the sicknesses of the heart as well as deceitfulness to Allaah and His

creation.

From them are those that make apparent backbiting through the form of anger

and disapproving something abominable. So there becomes manifest in this

aspect certain things from the adornment of speech which contains fallacies.

Whilst his intent was other than what he made apparent. And Allaah's aid is

sought.

Shaykh ul-Islaam Ibn Taymiyyah

Majmoo' al-fataawaa Shaikh ul Islaam Ibn Taymiyyah vol 28 pages 236-238

Translated by Aboo Haatim Muhammad Farooq

Answer 4

Salam sister,

i don't think it is a gossiping as long as you are trying to fix a relationship between two persons, on the contrary this is worthy of thanks indeed, and Allah (swt) likes such action from his slave and makes him pleased with it, in the same time it gets the shaytan's wrath, so make your intention to fix the relationship and inshallah you'll be rewarded.

Answer 5

Salaam sister,

May Allah reward you for your sincere intentions. I too have faced that situation and I know how difficult it is to speak up and tell the other person that what they are doing is wrong. But i know that i cannot remain silent because of the consequence that awaits those who partake in it - that the good deed of the one who backbites will go to the one he is speaking bad about and that the other person's sins are added to the sins of the one doing the backbiting. That always worries me because we strive sooo hard to do even the smallest good deeds, and imagine that YOUR good deeds that you worked sooo hard for, are going to the one you talked bad about, and that his/her SINS (and we dont even know how grave the sins that he/she committed are), will be given to you. May Allah forgive us for our mistakes.

So what i would suggest is to either change the topic, and if the person is going on and on and venting about something, just try to wrap it up and end the topic on a positive note or by giving sincere advice.

What I did recently is I was faced with a situation where I was unable to tell the sister directly to her face, so instead I sent her an email sincerely advising her about backbiting and the sever repercussions for partaking in it. Just be sure to tell her in such a way that it is not personally attacking her, but sincerely wanting good for her and wanting her as well as yourself to reach Paradise together insha Allah. She might mind it at first, but at least she will know your stance on it, and will avoid doing it in your presence. May Allah help her abandon it completely. Ameen

And the best thing you can do.. is just make du'a to Allah, asking Him to help you say the right things and to say them in the right way so that you can enjoin the good and forbid the evil in a way that is sincere and not hurtful. May Allah make it easy for you sis. Ameen

with love, your sister in Islam

Answer 6

Walaikum assalam

I have not overcome backbiting yet,i m trying to and Alhamdulillah its lots better than before.....i feel much better these days,but still i need to change more...

     I usually avoid being in such company.but if im stuck there like you,i used to say,"hey,stop this guys......its haraam,Allah is a better judge".They wont stop it still,i'll have to say it again and again or some point of time ,i have to move away from them......its not very easy.But remember fear none but Allah.........

insha allah,Allah will cure your problem

Answer 7

Not everyone. You ought to be wise in dealing with whatever situation.

Answer 8

Backbiting and gossiping are both prohibited in Islam.  One should not speak negatively about someone else in his/her abscense.  On the contrary, Islam commands you to defend the person who is being ridiculed.  

Instead of pointing out the flaws of the other individual, you should encourage your sister-in-law to deal with the issue with patience.  

Answer 9

Yeah, almost all the conversations I have with certain people are about someone, usually in a negative sense. It's really annoying b/c I want to talk to the person, yet I have nothing in common with them so there is nothing else to talk about! Sometimes I don't even realize I am backbiting, and when I do, I just think "Well I'm not hurting them or anything," which isn't true. Whenever someone talks about another, try to steer away from it: bring up another subject not related to an individual, b/c it may lead to gossiping about them. If a person is telling you about something that happened to another in a negative sense, then you can straight up tell them that they are backbiting. HA that always gets them mad, but then they are careful not to talk about those things around you. They also keep a wary eye out themselves to make sure they don't do it again. Like someone else said, if person is being ridiculed, defend them, don't join in. You don't have to comment, you listen and then change the subject, or stop the conversation altogether.