It's been three years, when will his children want to meet me ?

Question

My boyfriend left his wife three years ago and has been divorced for two. I'm partially to blame for the divorce, but he was tired of living a lie and left. He told his wife and grown children the truth and moved in with me, by the way he is 17 yrs older than me.

I want to get married and do the right thing, but he is afraid of losing his kids. They know we live together and they have forgiven him, go to lunch with him, have him over for Christmas and special occasions, but I am left out of all these things.They don't even mention me or ask about our life together.

He has given me a "promise" ring but will not give me an engagement ring until, I guess his kids want to know me and accept me. I realize they were hurt very badly, but it takes two, I didn't do this all by myself, goes to show blood is thicker than water.

These are Christian people I am talking about here, I don't think they hate me, they just don't want anything to do with me. It hurts really bad, because I love their Dad very, very much and he loves me, doesn't he?

This can't go on very much longer. I have been beyond patient and I don't know what to do. Should I approach them??

HELP !!!

Answer 1

no, you shouldn't approach them.  You deal with this through your BF.  How he handles this is your proof that he really does care for you and you weren't just a convenient excuse to end an unhappy marriage.  

you sit down with him and you talk about wanting to meet his kids.  you tell him that you feel that your relationship has stagnated because you are cut out of an important part of his life and that it is time to meet the kids.  Tell him that since he's told you in order for the relationship to progress that you need to meet the children then he needs to introduce you to them.   if he is unwilling to introduce you to the children by X date (you pick a date and stick to it.  Doesn't matter how short or far off the date is since any date you pick will be arbitrary)  then you will interpret that as him telling you that the two of you have no future together and you will go on your own way at that time.

You're not saying you don't love him, you're not saying you're going to stop seeing him.  What you are going to do is live in a separate home and see other people as well as him--if you want.  But you will no longer be exclusive with him since he isn't interested in a future with you.  you don't whine, you don't cry, you don't plead, you don't beg.  You just do it calmly.

Now you only do this if you are prepared to walk--you sound like you are close to being there if you aren't already there.  This is not an ultimatum--do not think of it as such.  It is you taking charge of your life rather than being passive and waiting for someone else to tell you how your life is going to turn out.  

edit:

as the other posters have pointed out.  The kids will most likely never accept you because they are probably aware that you are the other woman.  As long as he lives in fear of his children (fear that they will not have anything to do with him or allow him access to his grandchildren), he's going to keep you far away from them.  

Your problem is he won't marry you without his children's approval.  then you have accept that they will not be a part of your life and they will exclude you from certain celebrations and family gatherings.  They would most likely do this if he were to marry you without their approval.  Either way you have to decide if this is how you want to live and if he's worth the heartache of being left out.

Answer 2

What do you expect? You helped break up their parent's marriage. Just because they're Christian doesn't mean they have to be subjected to the likes of you.

Answer 3

Kids are important, believe me.  However, if you're going to marry someone, they need to put you before everyone else, including their kids.

If he's not willing to put you first, than don't marry him.  That's all I have to say.

It's worth reaching out, or at least asking your boyfriend to reach out to them for you.  They are being rather silly about this -- I'm assuming they're adult children?  They should be accepting of you.  I understand they will be angry and bitter that you "broke up the family" but it does take two to tango and obviously your boyfriend doesn't regret his decision.

I'm sure they will accept you eventually, and if they don't you will probably lose your boyfriend over it unfortunately.

Good luck.

Answer 4

if i were his kid, i wouldn't want to meet the woman who broke my parents up.  "Christians" don't cheat on their wives/husbands.  especially with people who are probably younger than their kids are.

Answer 5

just give it time.  its still fresh to them they had their dad live with them everyday.  and seeing their dad and mom together.  maybe right now he doesnt want to interduce u to them just yet.  it might freak them out.  i think this time he wants to take his time with a relationship.  hes giving u a promise ring cuz he doesnt want to rush into anything.  give him a break he just got out of a bad relationship.  when u meet someone everything is great and dandy after years their true colors come out and u see how they really are.  u think he wants to make that mistake again no.  and he doesnt want to confuse his kids by meeting u right now.  u need to understand that.  as a matter of fact they dont ever have to meet u.  its not ur business.  dont get me wrong i know how u feel.  cuz i have 2 step sons myself.  and they didnt want to hang out with me.  they only wanted to go out with their dad.  so u need to kind of back off.  and let them do their own thing.   ur alwayz gonna feel like ur the outsider.  but thats how it is when u get into a relationship with a man with kids.  i went through it.  and if u love him u will respect him and his children.

Answer 6

Sorry you are the cause of the family breaking up> Those children will never except you for anything> Your the devil in there eyes> Seems your forgetting 1 think it was you that took there dad away> If you were the child how would you feel>Just my point but there is no  hope for U 2 making it> As he will always put the children 1s>  

Answer 7

they may have forgiven, but have not forgotten.  whatever u do, u will always be a homewreker to them.  take ur time

Answer 8

If I put myself on his kids shoes, I'm sorry but I would want nothing to do with you. Yes, you broke that family apart. I mean yes it takes two, but you're the one that knew that he was married. However, if you want to be a part of their lives. Just be really open about this with your boyfriend. Tell him, "I think it's time we take things more seriously. I love you and this is how I know we are gonna be together forever."

Think of making or going to dinner, that's a good start. You can't make them like you. But you can try. And he'll see that and love it, Good luck!  

Answer 9

You are hurt really bad from this, You have got to be kidding me you don't no what hurt is why don't you go ask his ex wife and kids I'm sure they know. You say it takes two and your right but if you wouldn't of opened your legs for a married man none of this would of happened. I bet the two of you were co-workers and you became good friends someone you could talk to about anything.The worse part about this is you don't think you've done anything wrong. Lets not kid ourselves here you went after a much older married man and broke up his marriage and all your concerned with is meeting his kids so you can win them over so their daddy will marry you other then that you could care less about them you see them as the enemy. Have you ever given it any thought just how many nights his kids and their mother cry themselves to sleep because daddy was out drinking and s******g his brains out. You two hurt a lot of people and you don't deserve to be happy. His kids are never going to let you in their lives and rightly so. So he give you a promise ring how sweet how very high school of him. He cheated on his wife so what makes you think he won't cheat on you statistically speaking he will never marry you.Did you ever think his kids are making him see you for what you really are. Remember the man your with is a liar and a d**n good one he lied to his wife and now you. You better start looking around for another married man.