It seems like DD's First Mom is backing out of contact again. Any advice?

Question

A month ago DD's First Mom promised to buy an expensive gift for DD's B-day. I e-mailed FM and said she did NOT need this expensive gift and i could offer her other ideas. FMom insisted on buying this gift. Then her car broke down. I know $$ is tight for her and its been a month with no responses to DD's emails.

I asked DD to email her FMom saying that just wishing her a happy birthday was enough of a gift. DD said no. She shouldn't break her promises. I explained that she could have bought you the gift but had to take it back to pay for fixing her car. DD said all she has to do was tell me that, I would have understood. DD refuses to email again cause Fmom and sister have not returned her emails.

What should i do? I've bought her a mothers day card. If DD refuses to sign it should I just sign it and mail it? This is the third time DD's First mom has distanced herself. Should i just back off and do nothing? Should i email dd's first mom? DD is disappointed:(

Answer 1

You shouldn't have told DD that her bmom was going to buy her an expensive gift in case things like this happen.  It got her hopes up.

If DD refuses to sign it, don't mail it. DD has a right not to have this stuff forced on her.  

If this is the 3rd time Bmom has done this, DD is probably getting sick of having her hopes dashed so i would just back away for awhile instead of forcing the issue.

ETA:  sorry about making the assumption that you told her about the gifts.    BTW, are you sure her car broke down or do you think it was an excuse?

Answer 2

I can understand your daughter's frustration!

I'd contact mom, and tell her how her failure to answer e-mails is affecting your daughter.  Be understanding about the gift, and how hard it must be to disappoint her child, but emphasize that she needs to keep the communication going.

Tell her you are not going to intervene on her behalf again, and that DD is old enough now to have an opinion on the adults she wants to have in her life, and that you are going to back your child.

Tell your daughter that she needs to sign the card, and send it.  Remind her that doing the right thing should not be dependent on other people's behavior, but tell her that you won't make her e-mail her other mom again, until mom decides to continue the contact.

Next year, let DD decide whether or not to buy a card.

Answer 3

Of course you know much more about your particular situation than you could ever explain in an emails, but this is what I would do:

I'd lay it out in completely clear black and white, DD needs certain, very easy things from the bmom.  #1 a b-day card, #2 a phone call at Christmas, #3 etc.  Make it sooo easy and clear and next to impossible for her to fail.  I'd also explain exactly what you've explained here:  keeping promises is important.  Don't make promises if you aren't sure you can or will keep them.  I would send the card even if DD won't sign it...you and your partner can sign it without mentioning DD's resistence.  Keep the doors open!

Answer 4

She is going to have disappointments through out her life, but what her fmom is doing is not very nice. Go ahead and email her and tell her what she has done. How dissapointed your daughter is.

Answer 5

What a mess and this is why I stand by my opinion that open adoptions are head stuffers no offence to you .........

I would treat this like a divorced parent, like torrejon said about laying down certain expectations to keep to commitments

I know that separated / divorced parents do that when th other party doesn't turn up, doesn't ring etc

and that the child will no longer want to see you if you keep letting them down

Good luck with it all

Answer 6

I am sorry for what you're going through and can relate to this on so many different levels.

My EX does the same thing to my son. The counselor said that whenever he doesn't follow through on something or doesn't pick him up, that I don't make any excuses. When he filled my sons head with all the things they were going to do for spring break and then didn't show up. It was devasting. The counselor said, "Just give him a hug, tell him you don't know why he did that, and let him know you love him very much."

DD is 10. She is going to realize who she can and can't trust. You are going to have to explain that she needs to watch what people do, not what they say.

This is tough. First mom needs to run things by you. I know I didn't want my son to grow up getting or expecting gifts from people and it sounds like you're the same way. Just tell her in the future, before the holidays or whatever that ya'll can discuss what DD needs. Then she's not to say anything about it until it's a done deal.

I think you've always had a good head on your shoulders and I know you're instincts will come through with the right solution. I can sense that you are hurting for your daughter. Life hurts. Be there for her as you always have been. Help her through this.

You can send a card on your behalf. Let DD do what is right for her. Believe me, no one knows better than DD that this is the third time this has happened.

If it is at all possible, I would seek a few sessions of family counseling. DD needs help. This is a very convuluted situation and it does need to be addressed.

Best wishes. Happy birthday to DD.

Answer 7

I'm sorry your dd is going through this.  I don't think I have any extra advice than what you've already gotten.  I guess just try to keep the lines of communication open and make it clear that your daughter isn't disappointed by not getting expensive gifts, but she is hurt at no communication.  Such a yucky thing for a kid to have to deal with.  She's having a rough time lately, poor kid.