It was supposed to be my wedding day tomorrow - what do I do?

Question

My ex-fiance called off our wedding tow months ago because we fought all the time and I was controlling. He admits that he proposed too early without the means to support us as husband and wife.

After a month of being apart we are now back together (I gave him back his ring, so we are bf/gf) and tomorrow was supposed to be our wedding day.

Last week I mentioned that I wanted to spend that day together. Today, he mentioned that he might see his friend. I reminded him that I wanted to spend the day together and he got defensive, saying that he didn't think it was cause for a celebration. I explained myself, saying that I was really sad about it and felt really awful and wanted to make it up to him.

Even thought it was all my fault, he doesn't realize how hard this is for me too (I bought the dress, the catering, the honeymoon, the invites - everything). It hurts so much that he doesn't want to spend it together, just to say that we are back together and that we will get through this, you know? What should I do? Should I talk to him more or just let him alone?

What should I do about tomorrow? Should I expect to spend time with him or should I let him do his own thing? I thought that if he forgives me and believes I can treat him right, he would want to spend time and get through the toughness of it.

Answer 1

omg. wow. i really dont know. i feel bad for you because he is treating you that way and he is really not getting how you feel and how hard this is for you. but on the other hand. i feel bad for him because he might of really loved youa nd wanted to get married, but instead you guys always fought and you were controlling.  

Answer 2

Hes probably hurting just as bad as you are about it and feels like spending the day together will only make it hurt worse.  guys often dont say how they feel and probably doesnt want you to know hes hurting.  by going out with friends, hes avoiding you, getting out of the house to keep his mind busy and trying to not think about what tomorrow would be.  let him have the day to himself and drop it.  pushing the issue more will only make things worse.  its not that he doesnt forgive you and thinks you cant treat him right.

Answer 3

what a pig! dump his arch!

Answer 4

everyone deals with things differently, and maybe he isnt ready for you guys to talk about what was going to be, yada, yada, yada...so let him do his thing and you do yours and then maybe you guys could(or you could make him a nice dinner) but DONT TALK ABOUT THE WEDDING!! thats just going to bother him more, just dont read to much into it!

Answer 5

I've been in that same situation but it was back in 2001.  I actually kept myself busy that day.  I went to work and then that night my sisters knew that I would be sad so I got home and they were all in my room and had decorated it and we spent the whole evening together.  It took my mind off of it and was great.  I eventually really broke it off for good with that guy and am now happily married to an awesome guy with a kid and another on the way :)

I know it's tough but just spend the day doing things not sitting around.  Maybe go see a movie or get a pedicure and take yourself out to a nice dinner!

Answer 6

Ah! Finally, congs. in advance.

Answer 7

I think you should spend the day alone, no friends, phone calls, tv, etc.  Just spend the day alone thinking.  About what you want.  About what he wants.  About what went wrong in the engagement and if you can/should change enough to make the relationship work.  It sounds like he wants to be distracted from his sadness by spending the day with his friend.  And you are not only trying to control how he spends the day, you are trying to control how he FEELS about it.  That doesn't make you a bad person, but why not take advantage of some alone time to think about what you really want and how you should go about getting it?

Well, OK, not all day.  That's just depressing.  How about until 5pm then spend time with friends or family doing something that will make you laugh.  Pick the right people to be around, the kind that lift you up.

You were so smart not to get married if you weren't completely sure.  So now 8/9 is just another day instead of a day you made a huge mistake.  So celebrate it for that -- being just another Saturday.

Answer 8

Thats a hard one you called of the wedding so he is probley mad at you and doesn't want to remember what could of been. You know. He wants to start fresh. Give him time he probley still holds some pain in.

Answer 9

How about doing something nice for yourself tomorrow? A massage, mani-pedi, a hot bath, spending all day in the bookstore or going shopping or to a movie? You can't control another person's actions, desires or feelings. He needs to handle it the way that is best for him. Worry about yourself and how you can best take care of you. Its understandable that tomorrow might bring up some feelings...its okay to have them. I think the spending time alone or with your gf's is the best way to have them. Take as long as you need to have these feelings...feelings aren't facts and they won't last forever. And then realize that tomorrow is only 24 hours and then it will be Sunday and your life will continue after this hurdle.

Answer 10

Wow. I'm sorry that you're still being punished for past wrongs. It's not all your fault. It's never just one person's fault in a relationship. It takes two to get to the point where someone freaks out.

Please do something nice for yourself tomorrow. Don't mourn your lost wedding day. Look forward to your own future. If you're meant to be, he'll stop punishing you.

Answer 11

Maybe he's bothered by it too and doesn't want to spend the day together. You should go do something else that makes you happy.  Maybe a day at the spa.... or a girls night/day out. i wouldn't keep talking to him about it after he said no....that's being controlling again. you just have to believe that date wasn't meant to be and your day will come again with or without him.  OR ask yourself if this is really the relationship you want.

Answer 12

I agree with Melissa....he is back together with you but still resents having to cancel the wedding and doesn't want to get through tomorrow with you.  He should be there to support you...and for you to support him.  He obviously doesn't want that.  I'd just cut your losses ASAP and find the strength to accept the inevitable.  

Answer 13

so he calls it off b/c you are controlling? uh, whats the difference in being controling and being a jerk?  you dont treat your girlfriend like that. 2 wrongs dont make a right...YOU DESERVE BETTER! and if he goes out with his guy friends tomorrow, you do the same. go out with the girls and get your mind as occupied as possible! get trashed! then while youre drunk call him and spill your heart out.

Answer 14

find someone else who deserves you....

Answer 15

> What should I do

1) Dump his sorry a$$

2) Get on with your life

He isn't going to commit. Getting through to you is like pounding a dull nail through a thick plank. Find someone better.

Answer 16

Tomorrow is NOT your wedding day.  It was GOING TO BE your wedding day.  I think you should try to let go of that date, otherwise it will forever be in your mind that Aug 9th was *going to be* your wedding day.

If it ends up working out with this man, you will have a date that becomes your wedding date and anniversary date.

I can understand sad but what you are really doing is going into mourning over what has failed to materialize.  

Making a big deal out of tomorrow just causes you to wallow in sadness about what hasn't happened.  Try to let it go.  Spend the time apart doing whatever each of you might do on a Saturday.

Sorry to say that trying to get him to spend the day mourning with you isn't a really good way to move on and improve your relationship so that one day you may again decide to be married.

Good luck.  You CAN get through this.