Ive heard that he wont marry you if....?

Question

If you have live together before marriage. I also heard Dr Phil say something like , if he hasn't asked you to marry him within 6 months of your relationship, he isnt going to...Is that true? Been dating for three years and we always quarrel over this. He changes the subject all the time. Please help. I just gave him an ultimatum. I said "if you dont love me enough to marry me, I have to move one..." was that right? I cant imagine being with anyone else, but he is so stubborn...

Answer 1

No, i don't think it's the truth.

Answer 2

First of all, every situation is -different-. Your relationship is different than mine, as it is different with anybody elses.

Second of all, are you -really- going to listen to Dr. Phil? A man who cheated on his wife (look it up) and is now striking down on people who did the same things he did? This man might have the title "Doctor", but if you listen to his show, he really is biased and tries to make people believe that he is right all the time. Wrong! He isn't. To me, he's just entertainment. (I've been watching him for a year now) I mean some of the things he says is right, but some of it is just bull. And in your case, it is bull.

Some people prefer to live with each other to see how they would be like when married, or some just do it because they want to. What does he do that irritates me? Can I really see myself living with this person who clips his toenails and puts it in the sink? Etc. I don't believe that you should quarrel with him over this topic. If he has NOT asked you to marry 6 months into the relationship, then it means that he values a long-lasting one. Seriously, can you imagine him asking you 4 months into the relationship where he has -no- idea who you are and what you do? I would be weary of that. A few years would be ideal for me, because I know that if I can be with him for that long, then I can be with him for longer! I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, and we are still working out our issues, which have gotten so much better compared to when we were into our relationship for 4 months. SO much better! I would want to marry him when we've resolved most of our past issues, so that I know we won't carry extra baggage when married.

You should already know, most guys are stubborn. So he's going to say no for somethign that he believes in. I don't think it's right to force someone to do something they don't feel ready to do. Like having a baby. If you were in high school and someone forced you to having a baby by saying you don'tl ove them if you don't, isn't that kind of messed up? You both might be head over heels with each other, but you're not ready, right? So he'll be ready when feels the need to be. Unless you both have been together for like 5 or 6 years and your biological clock is ticking, then is the time to -really- get down on him for it. But for now, you both are young, he still wants to enjoy things that he might not be able to when he gets married. For example, my boyfriend loves to go rock climbing on the weekends and will be gone for 6-7 hours. He told me that if we ever got married, he'd have to take rock climbing inside and possibly make his own climbing wall if we ever had kids.

I just think that this guy isn't ready yet. And that's practically normal. THe idea of "forever" is pretty scary, in which I've thought about nwo and then, and I've gotten so much jitters over it! And there are just those other people who can get married in 2 days and somehow work. It is different for everyone. I think as long as you both are still together and love each other, it is all a matter of time. If you want to find that long-lasting partner and he won't do it, then it is your decision to move on, as you have every right to do so.

Good luck with everything! :)

Answer 3

He's not ready to marry somebody. Sorry!

Answer 4

so let me get this straight.... you need a paper and a ring as  a prove of his love for you.... that's just sad.

Ive been in a relationship for 4 years and i am not thinking about marriage, some of the times good things do come to those who wait. do you want a marriage witch would last or one that is a showoff?

Giving ultimatum to men is never a good strategy, unless you have a real weak partner, man are like little kids the more you tell them not to do something the more they want to. No doctor can tell you what means what those are just guidelines.

All in all i don't see why marriage is such a big thing, is you love him and you like spending time with him a ring and a piece of paper shouldn't stand in the way of that.

marriage usually gets thing worse because it gives you the sense of ownership and you start taking things for granted, that's from my limited experience.

Answer 5

maybe he just needs time, 3 years is a long time to be together so he obviously is really into you.

dont issue ultimatums, talk sensibly about it.

being a leap year and all, why dont you propose to him?

if he says no then you'll know for definite to move on :)

Answer 6

Right, you made a number of mistakes, and sorry, I am going to deconstruct them:

1.  You put too much faith in Dr Phil!  I mean, why would you choose to listen to him rather than talk to your man?  His advice is populist bollocks!  He is dodgy!

2.  You are not patient, and you cannot hurry him along.  Marriage is HUGE, and you are treating him as essentially valuless unless he marries you very soon.  You question his commitment in a way that you would never let him question yours, but are you committed to him, or marriage?  He has shown committment by sticking around...don't devalue the time you have had so far!

3.  He is communicating with you by changing the subject.  He does not want to be bullied, guilted, pressured or coerced into marriage, abd that is right.  You are giving him reasons NOT to want marriage.

4.  Your language, even here on this site, is entitled and self-centred: it is all about  you, what you want, and condemnatory of him.  Sorry, this os wrong on many levels.

5.  You issued an ultimatum!  That is a grievous breach of trust and a bully tactic!  You would hate for him to do it to you, but you have many justifications for why you did it: and they are all about you again.

6.  You can't imagine being with anyone else?  Well you can't imagine being with him either by the sounds of it: you love a vision of him, and he feels disposessed.  If you want to move on, be honest and end it, but accept your share of the blame for this: you have treated him with abandon!

7.  He is stubborn.  Bloody good on him!  His steadfastness and certainty should be something you can partner with him on to build your relationship.  He is entitled to have his views, and he does no appear to be going out of his way to change you: he is resisting being changed by you.

Sorry if this seems harsh and so on, but you need to wake up!  I am giving you a possible idea of why things are not working out, and I have only covered a small number of points.

I hope it works out for the two of you, whatever you decide, but be honest and open.  Do not nag or condemn when you try and talk to him.  If you try again, then do not make it an aim of hat conversation to get any committments from him.  Use the opportunity to rebuild the link between you.

Answer 7

The research says that people who live together, then marry, have higher probability of breaking up.   You need to express yourself for a valid relationship,that is true.  But the key is that marriage is a social contract, and in reality people stay together because they want to, ie. have some needs being met from it.  If you try to force him, then you have to decide if a guy who will do what he is told, is the guy you want to live with.   To develop relationship in which it feels like you are united *( married) by how you relate to each other, how you share and care, that is great.  To be with someone who feels trapped and resents being manipulated into being 'married', will end up with discomfort.  You are free to push him or accept him, that is not the issue.  There are implications for each strategy, and you can feel out what suits you.  If you push him away, then that is ok, you then wait to find someone who has similar ideas on marriage.  There is not a right answer, you get to explore your heart.  good luck.