Ive stopped my 2 childrens dad from seeing them..?

Question

he was supposed to come this weekend, but ive just found out hes taking heroin, ive told him i will get the police if he comes anywhere near my house, i told him he can see them when he gets himself straight,, now i feel like a failure, that this is what my 2 young boys have for a farther, i feel so guilty and so upset for them.

Answer 1

You were correct in denying him access to the kids,due to his drug addiction, You are not a failure to your kids by picking this man . He is the failure to his kids. It is not your fault that this guy has gone off the rails........

Answer 2

Please be careful that you don't do anything to give him ammunition by denying court ordered visitation. Courts have done really stupid stuff when visitation has been denied, even when drugs are suspected.

If he has court ordered visitation, make it so it's HIS idea not to show up, not you denying him visitation. Gently tell him about how dangerous it is for your children for him to drive while under the influence and you're sure he doesn't want to do anything to hurt his kids. Seem understanding that his problem is a disease. Tell him that to protect your children you will need to call the police if he seems like he's been using when he comes to pick up the kids. If he's at all on drugs, he's likely paranoid about cops and will stay away.

If you feel OK about it, offer him to visit at your home, he could play with them out in the yard. Or maybe a friend or relative of yours can take the boys to meet him at a park or McDonalds, and of course stay with them. Tell him of course, he wouldn't want to expose the kids to drugs, so calling the cops if he seemed to be using would go for visitation time too. Tell him you're not denying him visitation, just warning him of what you'd need to do. Tell him you're hoping that he can clean up his act soon because his boys need him and love him. Have them talk to their dad on the phone so they don't think he abandoned them.

I can tell you know from your post that your boys can be seriously affected by not seeing their father, they may think there is something wrong with them which is why he doesn't love them (in their minds) and abandoned them. So sad, but true. Which is why I suggested "supervised" visitation or phone calls. Even if their dad is a serious s***w-up and not good for them to be around, boys really tend to turn it back on themselves, and it can affect later relationships.

Unfortunately, you are going to have to make their dad seem better than he is to your sons, at least until they're old enough to really understand. (Unless he's strung out in front of him, then you can explain he's sick or whatever is appropriate for their age.) If he's "bad" and he's half of them, than what does that make them? It seems boys are especially affected and they keep it in. : (  

Good luck.

Answer 3

Hello,

According to religion you should always let you children see their father. Even if he is a crack head. I was very shocked to hear this and make these changes myself. It's like how ever he chooses for his children to know him as a father, is his choice and between him and God. You cant like say he haves to have these certain ways or habits to be this perfect father. Thats not your responsibility. At the same time you do not suppost to make things easy for him by making him be their father. So like if he asks to barrow money to take them out or if you can pick him up to see his kids, then no of course you dont.

I just went through this same thing. My daughter had a great time with her father but came back a new child. More aware of really how life him. See in my home we live in the sububan area with a huge house and anything she wants at a drop of a dime. He father had to stand in line at churchs to get food, lives in a 1 bedroom where she had to sleep in the living room floor with her other 3 siblings at his girlfriends home, he is never home and would drop her off with girl friends and so on. So see your children learn and appriciate you more but by all means if you children dont want to see him then you protect your children.

Answer 4

You have no reason to feel like a failure, you shouldn't blame yourself for your ex's behavior. You did the right thing and I hope for you, for the kids and for him that he gets himself straight. Of course the kids must be disapointed, but try not to blame him in front of them --they need to love their father, no matter what (unless he shows signs of agression towards them)

Good luck

x*x

Answer 5

you've done the right thing the worst possible thing you could have done is let him near your children. Because then he might have an iccident and the children would be there to witness it.

Answer 6

Good job.

Never let that man near your kids again.

Until he gets over the addiction.

Kudos!

Answer 7

I was in the same situation with my two daughters dad. I was made by the courts (I live in Oklahoma and the laws are crazy) to let him have them for a week. During that time he got so strung out he would forget to feed them and would have all kinds of people around them. When I got them back all they would do was cry if I so much as left the room. I don't know what all happened to them while they were in his care but I do know the effects it has had on my children. Do not let him have them. In the end you might met a great guy that will make a great dad to them. They don't need to be around the drugs.

Answer 8

I would like to know how young / old those 2 boys are? You are right &

you could be wrong that is why I say could be wrong, because if they are old enough to understand what is going on then you should let them see him & make up there own mine because may be & just may be, one of them or the 2 of them would be able to have him straightened out even if they are young since they are not a baby

so do not keep them away especially if they are a leader & NOT A FOLLOWERA you may be

surprised what could happened true those tow boys.

The other thing is those two boys I would like to tell you that you cannot raised them to maturity, all that you can do for them is FEED, CLOSED, & SHELTERED THEM and those are not good enough to keep them out of jail and trouble.

They need the positive influence of a MALE in there life, not necessarily a Father but a Male, could be the Male man,milk man, the

next door man, his Teacher, but some male who he can communicate with and ask him how is he getting on in School, & in his life and those boys can say to that adult that he would may be shy to say to you or ask you so you will have to know how you are raising your two

son.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL.

Answer 9

There is no failing when you are protecting your children.

Your children will miss their dad to begin with but they are certainly not going to miss out on very much because he wouldn't be able to provide a stable environment for them to thrive in when they are with him.

In the long run if he gets himself clean he will thank you that you didn't even let the boys see him like that.  Children don't tend to forget and he should be thank full that they have such a loving caring mum who takes care of them.

Well done.  

Answer 10

you are right to do this dont feel guilty at all - if he cares enough about the boys he will try to get clean

Answer 11

You are right, unless, you can supervise every minute they are together!

Answer 12

you've done the right thing, just tell your boys that there dad is to busy to see them at the moment, away on business or something, but if there has ben any court involvement with visitation rights then you must tell the courts of his addiction.  

Answer 13

i dont mean to sound rude, but if a child grows up without a father then they have a high chance of becoming g*y.

Answer 14

You have to do what you have to do to protect the kids.

Answer 15

Mrs McCormick ABOVE....what the h**l are you on about???

You did the right thing, DO NOT let this crack head anywhere near your children, he is a danger to them and its your job to protect them!

Answer 16

You would be more of a failure if you let him see them.  You're right.  Don't let him near them and get a court order if you can.

Answer 17

You've done a great job doing that. Don't feel guilty for what your husband has done. You are not a failure, and you've done what you think is right. He's taking drugs, and you don't want your children to get hurt. If your children are angry, try explaining. And never feel guilty for something you haven't done.  

Answer 18

dont feel quilty. id do the same thing!

Answer 19

I know how hard a decision that is to make. I had to do it because of the exact same circumstances. My ex was violent with me but was great with the kids but heroin took over as did other drugs that he was taking. My 2 daughters were very small and I was pregnant. I went to court and got supervised access at a contact centre which went well at first but then he began to turn up late or drugged up which was then noted and reports sent back to the court welfare officer . I hated having to make that decision as I didn't want my kids growing up without a dad like I did but I didn't want them seeing him drugged up and out of his face either. You will feel guilty and upset for them but if he is on heroin that is the best thing you can do for your sons .