I’m in a bind, please help…?

Question

My best friend and roommate is my dream girl. We started “dating” a few months ago and everything has been beyond great - we’ve even exchanged “I Love You’s.” Thanks to her last boyfriend, she has commitment fears and trust issues, so she wants to “take a couple steps back.” I have never done anything to raise doubts and I never would do anything to hurt her. She says that there’s no one else, that she still loves me, and that when we re-start dating, that it will be something serious (she tells me that I “have to marry her” and that she’s never been happier than when she is with me). We still act sort of like we’re together, which makes me even more confused. It’s like we’re not dating, but there’s still this understanding that we’re not going to see anyone else and the physical aspects are still there too. I have never cared about anyone as much as I care about her, so this is very difficult for me. I know she needs a little time, but I’m worried about losing her in the process. What do I do? Will she ever be able to trust me like she should? If we both have never been happier, what is there to worry about, right?

Answer 1

you are dating, but just slowing it down.  There is nothing to worry about, it's her own issue that she's building back up for you and her.  Give her time, give it space, she will come around.  Sounds like she really does love you and wants to be with you, but needs to take a step back to really understand it.  

Answer 2

Ok, I don't think she has trust issues.  If she had trust issues they would have come *before* the relationship got into full swing, not *after*.

Women in particular will almost always choose their hearts over their heads in any case.  That's why she jumped right in with both feet and even said I love you.  She did not just suddenly decide to do the smart thing and take it slow, because it is too late for that.  Not to mention you said she really hasn't changed much in the way you two are together.  You still pretty much do the same things and act like you are still a couple.  So what changed?  Boundaries.

She has put up boundaries.  It sounds to me like she likes you, but she is not in love with you.  The dilemma is, she lives with you!  She does not want to throw her life into upheaval just to dump you because she probably genuinely likes or even loves you as a friend.

She's just not *in love* with you.  That is not how women in love behave.  Trust me.  She is killing time with you until she:

A) Figures out how to make a smooth transition out of the current living situation

B) Someone better comes along, at which point, she will have no problem throwing her life into upheaval to get away from you.

I am really sorry this sounds so harsh.  I am trying to help you by giving you the honest truth as I see it.

Answer 3

sounds like shes gonna be ready to marry you after this and she just needs time for herself

in order to love someone one must love oneself first

and if the previous relationship brought her down she just needs time

no

i doubt youll lose her

u sound like somethin ive been waiting for my whole life but i too would have to step back after the i love yous and the marriage talk

dont worry

good luck

and keep me posted

i love happy endings

Answer 4

Well if she's scared, then give her, her space. But if she does start dating another guy and wants you to wait for her still, then that's a problem. If you both are still acting like you are together, just give her time and don't be too pushy in gaining her trust. Just keep on promising her that you won't break her heart and keep reassuring her your not like her ex.  

Answer 5

Good question. You are right, if you “both have never been happier”, then there is nothing to worry about. The thing that needs to be crystal clear is the “seeing other people” part. It must be understood you both are not going to see anyone else, period. So have this discussion with her one more time so it is very clear and out in the open.

She needs time to get over trust issues. So give her that time. You live together so you are seeing her everyday anyway. So give her a couple months to let go of her issues and just be her friend. Your friendship will be the most important part of your relationship if you stay together for the long run anyway.

If this issue does not go away, and becomes something she keeps dragging on and on for a long time it might be best to seek counseling. It is OK for a couple of months for you to be patient and understanding but you cannot sit and wait on the fence forever.

Give her a couple months and let her know you will be there as her friend. If this time passes and it seems like more of the same you need to have a talk with her and let her know it isn’t fair for you to be stuck waiting and feeling uncertain. You can’t go on living like that or you will go crazy.