JUDGE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE... please?

Question

I had to write a short story for school, and I wanted to know what you thought of the introduction. BTW, it's supposed to be a teen-ish story, not necessarily the school yr mentioned.

Well.... here it is:

The cafeteria buzzed with excitement and an occasional soda can found its way through the air and across to the other side of the room. It was the last day of school before Christmas break and, obviously, everyone was getting revved up. I looked around at my tight circle of friends and wondered how I ever would have gotten myself through this without them, and then I looked at Elizabeth, the brunette and hazel eyed girl I was proud to call my best friend. “Just ask her out!” Caitlin hissed. “Sure…” I answered but laughed it off. Don’t get me wrong, Elizabeth was great; she was President of the sophomore class and the most popular girl in the school, but we’re friends and I would never look at her romantically.

People were always bugging us about getting together, but we always knew it just wouldn’t work. She was the top of the social food chain, and I was the little minnow she would’ve devoured; instead, though, she took me in her circle and brought me up to the top. Now hear I am, sitting at the popular table in the middle of this chaos.

Answer 1

You need to break it down a little more with your character having some more introspective thoughts about the circle.  How did the other syncophants feel about the closeness between Elizabeth & the newest member?  You need to set the stage for future jealousies, vendettas, fights.  You may want her to show a little defensiveness by saying something like, "we're not a clique, just close friends.  We don't invite everyone to join because they don't think like we do".

Your rushing your story by trying to put too much detail in all @ once.

To be honest, as I read it I found myself thinking, "she said & then she said" & a third party chiming in "I heard..."  It sounds very amateurish.

Keep @ it.  At least you're trying & you seem to have passion for your story.  Interesting storyline, by the way.

Answer 2

Please continue!!!!