Jealous child?

Question

Now before I go any further...I just want everyone to know I love my stepson and am not trying to out him. I posted a question a couple of days ago where my 5 year old stepson was giving my 10 month old son rocks so that he could put them in his mouth...He told me he wanted daddy all to himself and thats why he gave him the rocks...I got attacked for not loving my stepson when I posted this question and thats not the case. Now today when My husband and I had our backs turned the 5 year old bit my baby's fingers very hard. Hes always doing mean things to other children. He looks for the perfect time when were not looking to do something devious. Ive been trying to show him lots love and attention hoping this would stop but it hasnt. I want him to have love in his heart and to not want to hurt anyone especially my innocent baby. How do I inforce this...I need advice I dont want my son getting hurt really bad and I dont want my stepson ending up in a home for problem children one day.

Answer 1

If you do not feel the therapist is helping, you may need to change to another. You need to keep your older son in constant vision when the baby is around, but most of all, he should be starting school this year, which may help give him an outlet and to see that most of his new friends also have baby siblings. This may help him to adjust. If he shows the same type of actions in school, he will have difficulty, but it will also give you a place to get extra help. school counselors are usually very good about working with young kids, if that does not help, you will have outside documentation of his behavior for his therapist.

I understand that it is hard to think that a 5 year old would harm another child, but it does happen, for many reason, insecurity, jealousy, fear, anxiety, and mental issues. Maybe the school year will help you discover which it is and get him help. I would assume that being out of the house and in new surroundings may help him more than you think. I hope he has all day kindergarten, the programs for full day work on socialization, where as half day does not.

Answer 2

I agree with C J. Discipline is the answer, and it doesn't mean you don't love him, it means you do love him because it's your job as a parent to protect and love ALL of your kids. Make sure Dad is on board so you have a united front on discipline. My stepson pushed all of my buttons for years. Now at 17 we are closer than ever. From 5 -17 was all discipline and love.

Answer 3

It sounds like he wants Dad's attention. Try to set aside a half hour a day or so just for them to do something one on one- play a game, do some arts & crafts, ride bikes, go for a walk, etc.

He may also be upset with you because he thinks it's your fault his Mom isn't around. I went through this with my step-son at that very age. He actually came out and told me once that it's my fault she's not here. He also went through the phase where he felt like like she didn't like him and that's why she wasn't there. Anyhow, if he thinks it's you, this may help- try to involve him as much as possible. Ask him to help you cook, clean, and do misc chores. Praise him for the great job that he's doing and let him know how helpful he is! Kids love jobs and that will give him lots of positive attention and maybe that will lessen the need to go after the negative!

Also ask for his input on things that the four of you could do that might be fun for everyone. When you have family time, encourage him to play with little brother and praise how he's doing. Wow, thank you for helping him up, or handing him the toy, etc, you're such a wonderful big brother! Encourage positive play and if little brother is copying or following him- point it out- wow, he loves you so much he wants to do the things that you do, etc.

Play a questions game while you're cooking or cleaning and he's hanging around- What's your favorite thing about little brother, me, Dad, yourself? What's your least favorite? What's your favorite thing to do with little brother, me, Dad? In other words, ask key questions, but you can't make it sound like you're asking them. Make it fun. Respond with I bet you can't guess my favorite, least favorite, etc! Then tell him your answers. You also can't ask all of the key questions back to back- he'll catch on! Throw in some misc questions and do just a few a day- make it a daily thing.

You mentioned that it's worse every time he talks to his Mom- that shows that he may be mad at her. He may just need to learn how to deal with his anger- a skill that is developed as we get older. Talk to him about appropriate and inappropriate ways to handle anger. This is alot of what we worked with while my step-son was in therapy. Our doc asked what the violent act was and what happened immediately before- looking for a pattern.

You didn't mention whether or not he gets punished for the mean things that he does. You definitely want to give consequences because he needs to understand that this is unacceptable. You can use time out, priviledge removal, go to bed earlier, etc, but SOMETHING should be done. Be consistant about it and make sure that your husband is as well.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I'm hoping some of this will help. I totally understand what you're going through. My step-son was 2 when my husband and I got together, he's now 12. We've been through it all in the last ten years. Feel free to email me anytime if you want any further input or just need someone to talk to about it!

Answer 4

Its time to start using some discipline. Now that does not mean you have to stop that love and affection, on the contrary, disciple works best when well balanced with affection. When he does something to your son, insted of yelling or freaking out (this gives him the power to have an effect on you) insted respond by controlling the situation, i.e. caring for your son and speaking in a deep and direct tone directly into your step son's eyes. Be firm and stand your ground and punish. Punishments can be too harsh sometimes... especially when you let your anger build, so insted set up a system for yourself to punish him by. For my kids, since they were young, I set aside a chair in my office for them to sit in where they would have to be until I decided on what to do with them. The anxiety of that alone is discipline enough. Then you can calm down a bit.

Answer 5

HUH?????

Answer 6

think as if he were your son and he did something wrong , how would u handle it, do not over exert yourself trying to buy his affection or approval. if his mom is all the way in canada u have to step u and treat and discipline him as though he was ur very own, this is the only way he won't feel outed.

good luck

Answer 7

oh wow that boy is realy jelous you need to talk to him so he understands you love him and not just your son