Jealous of husband's ex wife?

Question

I'm a newlywed and im kinda jealous of my husbands ex... im not really jealous of her, but im more jealous of what they had...

He says that he loves me more, and that we're more compatible.... he thought he loved her but he was young and just settled and stuff like that, but im not so sure sometimes.

They did lots of things together... went to the mountains, hawaii for xmas, traveled to different places and did everything together. We dont do anything together.

He bought her roses and did romantic things for her and with her. He never buys me roses and doesnt do anything romantic with me or for me.

She divorced him. Said he was too old for her (when they married she was 18 and he was 26) and she didnt love him anymore. I know he loves me and that we are a better match. I love with all that i am, and i believe he loves me just the same. But here i am 20 yrs old married to a wonderful man (he is 29) and im worrying about this.

Im the 2nd wife, so i was automatically a bit intimidated by her and what they had because all of his 1st's were with her... and I cant help but think they had more than we do.

Is this completely normal or do i sound crazy? I dont want to compare myself and our marriage to her and theirs any longer... What can i do to make this situation better? Thanks.

Answer 1

I would drop some hints like how much you love flowers, that it's such a surprise to get them and really makes your day, that you love exotic vacations, and the outdoors, etc. etc.  

If you just sit around, maybe he's thinking that you enjoy that.  I'd offer subtle suggestions and see what happens.

Answer 2

I don't think you sound crazy or abnormal. I do think you need to sit down in a non-confrontational manner and share what you're feeling with your husband. He has to be aware of what's going on inside your head in order to work through it with you.  If you don't, the little feelings of jealousy will eventually grow into powerful feelings of resentment and will end up destroying your relationship. When I first got married, I was also jealous of my hubby's ex. My feelings weren't based on things they did together that we don't do, but more on the lengths he went to to try to save their relationship during their short but chaotic marriage and then afterwards when she'd left and moved to another state. To me, it felt like he really battled to keep their relationship going and I didn't feel that he was willing to do that for OUR relationship. For instance, they were together 9 years, but married only 6 months of that time. During that 9 years, she left him over a dozen times. Each time, he begged her to return, they went to counseling, he took her to numerous doctors and therapists to deal with her depression and manic disorders, made sure no one upset her or caused anything to go on that would make her flip out, etc. She couldn't hold a job due to her issues, so he employed her at his business and paid her a hefty salary.  It upset me that he did all these things for her, but he didn't seem interested in paying me a salary for working with him and he certainly doesn't kiss my butt the way he did her. It festered in me for over a year before one day I finally blew up about it and asked what SHE did for his company that was of so much more value than what I do that she deserved to make $30.00 and hour salary and I make nada.  The rest came out, too. He was absolutely shocked that I felt that way and sat me down and explained...she had so many issues that she had to be treated as a child would be. If he didn't do that, the entire family paid for it with her tantrums and screaming and suicide attempts, etc. I am not a crazy person and therefore he didn't feel it was necessary to baby me that way. He knows I am a strong, capable woman and that what I contribute, I do out of love for him and shared ideals and goals for our relationship and for our business. He felt that he could be his real self with me and not have to act and cater to me in order to keep life comfortable for all involved. Once he explained to me that the reasons he did all he did with her wasn't for HER, but to keep things as mellow as possible for his kids and his employees, I better understood. Our talk also helped him understand that although I am not a nut case that he has to handle with kid gloves, I am a woman who needs a little reassurance from him now and then and that I longed for those little shows of love and affection that he wasn't showing for me by buying me flowers, etc. He just hadn't realized the importance of those little things. After our talk, he became much better about doing little things to show me he appreciates me and thinks of me during the day, etc. You have to remember that for a lot of men, they feel they are showing their love for us by taking care of us. To them, taking out the trash so we don't have to is a show of affection and concern. He explained that to me and then I better understood. Communication is key in any marriage and it's so important to sit down and share what you're feeling. Nine times out of ten, those little things can be resolved and understood before they turn into big things!  Best of luck to you!

Answer 3

let that go, they are divorced for a reason. who gives a hoot about what THEY did together, they divorced didnt they? dont worry about it and just be happy

Answer 4

What is happening is normal. What I want you to remember is that he tried once before and the woman broke his heart. For most men this inhibits them. Just keep in mind that you are in a marathon and not a sprint. Conserve your passions so you don't burn out quickly. Remember that even after the marriage you still must work to keep the marriage in good shape.

Answer 5

You're insecure & possibly too immature to be married. You are going to need counseling.

Answer 6

He "loves you more and that you are more compatible"?  Sounds to me like he still loves his ex....I think you are insecure with his ex...because deep down you know he still has unresolved feelings for her....I think there is going to be trouble in your marriage....Your husband needs to deal with his feelings for his ex...because ultimately it will affect his marriage with you.....

Answer 7

get over it. He is wiser now, and knows money doesn't grow on trees. Apparently the 1st wife had to have ALL things given to her. Don't be like that. He comes home to you, he sleeps with you so be happy. I have been married to my husband for 34 years. I too was his second wife. First one didn't make it.

So relax, enjoy your lives together, and quit worrying. I hated getting things that she got, and no I don't do flowers.

Good Luck.

Answer 8

You have to share this feelings with him and know that you deserve the fair treatment ( if this is the thing you like and wanted). But other than this does he done anything especially for you and not for her? think about it and you should know the answer together the answer of the first question.

Answer 9

Girl please!! If their marriage was all that it would still be. Now remember..., yours will be different than theirs so don't compare the two.

You need to get the ball rolling by surprising him with a romantic getaway or a special dinner somewhere, just because you love him so much. Tell him what you need and ask him what he needs, I'm sure you will find that you both want to please each other.

She is history.., so don't be bringing her into the relationship. Don't be jealous of what they had, it's over, time for the two of you to make your own number 1's, just like your number 1 in his life now.

Best wishes my friend

Answer 10

I think that is somewhat normal, to an extent.  I also think that you need to have more confidence in yourself as his wife.  

There are firsts in your marriage that I am sure if you looked, you will find.  You are the first "second wife" he has.  You are not second in his life, now you are first in his life.

You can never compare to her and you are your own person with your own gifts and talents and different than she is.

Pray about it.  Give yourself credit where you aren't.  He chose you now.  You are the one in his life.  You have so much to offer that she didn't.  

Have you talked to him about liking little surprises now and then.  It is good to be open and honest in your relationship, even about the tough stuff.  It will bring you closer.  Communicate.  Plan on surprises that you know he will like.   A lot of times, this will be reciprocated.  

Tell him how you appreciate him when he does those special things for you.  Know you are special and one of a kind.  Love who you are.  God Bless.

Answer 11

don't tell your husband how you are feeling, he married you, if you want the romantic things go buy the flowers you want fill it out and say it is from him, this might  spark up things, light candles in the bedroom, set the mood fruit, wine,etc.. naturally you wearing something s**y do this it may help, if all else fails seek counsel

Answer 12

It is very normal to feel the way you do. You will find in time that feeling will subside. I felt the same way when i first met my honey. form experience, the more you ask him to size up your relationship as a couple the more you seem unsure about ur relationship to him. When he talks to you about his past, listen with an open heart. Use it as a learning tool. The best way to learn of someone is listening to their past. When he talks about the age issue with his ex he is really trying to say he is worried u will at some point feel the same way. Sometimes when people talk, we often do not say what we really mean. Listen openly and reflect on it later to yourself. He sounds like he really does love you.

Answer 13

might be he doesnt have the money he had the first time she may have spent it or he did on her

Answer 14

Seek professional help before you destroy your marriage.

Answer 15

i'm making your guess that your husband is afraid to open up.

cos he loved so freely when he was with the other woman and he was hurt by her so deeply.

you should assure him of more happy memories to come.

Answer 16

it is normal if you ask me. that feeling should subside as you and your husband spend time together. just remember that they got a divorce, he married you. i come from a similar situation in the fat that i was divorced and now i have remarried, but we are happy, a little stressed because of financial situations, but never the less. we are happy. dont give up and talk to each other.  

Answer 17

I don't blame you.

I tried living with a guy ( this first relationship in 13 years). It only lasted 5 months.   I just couldn't stand to hear what he did for the ex wife and the ex gf's.  We couldn't do things ont eh weekends, because we were to broke, cause his money was still paying credit cards they'd wracked up and c**p!  I got so tired of hearing him keep talking about what he did for them.   I"m weak I suppose, because I left.

Just put extra work into your marriage, and make things romantic for the 2 of you.  May be he's afraid of being hurt again, so doesn't do for you what he did for her.............yet!!