Jesus & Mohammad poem

Question

Today I saw Jesus & Mohammad

Both smiling in kin

under azure skies

Giving each other a grin

Drinking at a down town Soho bar

Playing pool

Having laughs

Eating chocolate biscuits from a jar

Mohammad took Jesus’ thorny crown

And said why do you wear that crown

With your despondent frown?

Why can’t you lighten up?

Just give it the shove

Out the door

Lively up yourself

As we are both painting the town red

So cheer up mate

Enough said

Lets both rewrite history

With a peaceful shake

All under the one world tent

Lets both get rid of this word called hate

Its not really good fighting

As it’s not our mate

Why leave it up to fate

When we could all live and eat off the same plate

We”d all go shopping smiling on a holiday

Answer 1

i kinda like it :) it's light and irreverent and i love that they're eating chocolate biscuits!

Answer 2

haha....was I wrong to find that funny??

It's well written!!

Answer 3

ooommmmm...........

Answer 4

You have a good concept for a poem...I'm not sure you have fully developed it, however.  For starters, Jesus was the peacemaker and Mohammand was the warrior, not the other way around, so it would be Jesus saying "let's change the world, not Mohammad.  Plus, although Jesus liked his wine, Mohammad was against alcohol...so if they were "drinking" in a bar, Mohammad might be having a smoothy, but not an alcoholic beverage.  It might sound picky, but image creation needs consistancy and recognition...so your images need to either comply with the public concept, or you need to present it in such a way as to make a new image appear logical.  One idea might have been to have "Jesus" and "Mohammad" just be the names of two guys, instead of the actual historical figures.

As far as poem itself, you have a few contrived lines...for example, "kin" isn't used correctly and "lively" is an adjective, not a verb.  Your use of the same rhyme word at the end is too much...you need to space out your rhymes so they seem accidental, otherwise they'll sound rhymy and more like Rapp than poetry.

Again, you have a good concept and some good images, but you probably need to work on the execution a bit more.  The poem had a good voice and it moved along, it just needs some editing.

...and keep writing

Answer 5

I'm not a religious person but that was very interesting and well written! I like the possitiveness in it and the peaceful message, well done!