Jokes anyone I need a laugh!?

Question

I need a laugh!

Answer 1

A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to just go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, "HELLO!! You need to roll up the windows!"

Answer 2

people who ask yahoo answers for jokes.

Answer 3

a mountain man worked hard all his life and after he had built his house and got everything in order to live the rest of his life in peace and comfort decided that he would go down the mountain on his mule and find a wife. and find a wife he did and married her the same day and swept her off her feet and put her on his mule and commenced to walking back up the mountain and when he got to a steep part in the mountain the mule stopped and refused to take another step the man walked up to the mule smacked it up beside its head and said " that's once now move!" well the mule walked on a little farther and stopped and again would not move the man walked up to the mule and said "that's twice lets go!" the mule started walking again and after a short time stopped and absolutely refused to move, the man reached into his tux and whipped out a .357 magnum and shot that mule square between the eyes and his brand new wife started giving him what for" you are the most cruel mean uncaring and relentless man ive ever met i cant believed i married you!" the man turned around looked that woman straight in the eye and said "that's once!"

Answer 4

There were these two guys in an insane asylum, and one night they decide they don't like living there any more. They decide they’re going to escape!

So they get up on to the roof, and there, just across the narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in moon light... stretching away to freedom.

Now the first guy he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend is afraid of falling.  So then the first guy has an idea. He says "Hey! I have my flash light with me. I will shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk across the beam and join me." But, the second guy just shakes his head. He says, "What do you think I am, crazy? You would turn it off when I was half way across!"

Answer 5

A banker, confused with maths, asked his secretary:

If I give you $3 million less 5%, how much would you take-off?

Sec: Everything, sir !!!

----------------------------

Mr X: Doctor, could I be able to see after my glasses?

Doctor: Of course you will

Mr. X : That's great! I never could have seen before

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A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward four men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain".

"Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin.

After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"

The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good...but my thumb still hurts like h**l!

Answer 6

what did the fireman name his two sons?

hoseA and hoseB

Answer 7

Why are pirates so mean?

Because they just ARRRRRRR!!

Answer 8

hi

Answer 9

Why did Tigger from Winnie the Pooh (Sorry bout spelling cuz i don't watch that show) get dirty?...

He was trying to find Poo(PooH) XD

Answer 10

Knock Knock

Who's there?

______

______ who?

______________........~_~

Answer 11

ok people are on a plane but the plane is too heavy and its causing turbulence so the plane captain decides to drop the luggage to make the plane lighter, after he does that the plane is still having trouble with turbulence and since their is nothing he decides to throw people off the plane one by one until the turbulence stops. He decides to go in alphabetical order, he first says is there any africans on the plane? nobody steps up. Then he says .. is there any blacks on the plane? nobody steps up, then he says ... is there any colored people on the plane? and nobody steps up. While the captain is saying this a black boy asks his mother ..arent we african, black, and colored? and the mother replies ..nope to today were ****** lol .. then a little mexican boy is standing next to the black boy and the black boy tells the mexican .. haha your gonna get thrown out the plane 1st because m comes before n .. the mexican boy replies .. no your going 1st .. the black boy asks why and the mexican says.... because today we're wetbacks lol well yea this is my joke  

Answer 12

A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"

Later, the lion confronts a deer and bellows, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified deer stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla, steps on it, and ambled away.

The lion hollered after the elephant, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so annoyed."

Answer 13

That's easy, just listen to the president give a speech...

Answer 14

Q: What do you call a f*g in a wheelchair?

A: Roll-AIDS. :D

Answer 15

1. A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the counter. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks who are ahead of you in line first. I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He responded loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without missing a beat, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and said, "F*** you!"

Without so much as a flinch, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."

2. A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.

"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."

"Oh ****, not by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"

"Denise," the doctor replies.

Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "And what did he call the boy?"

The doctor answers, "Denephew

3.

Dear Husband,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been h**l. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.

You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, Whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

**********

....and the husband replied...

Dear Ex-Wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it.

I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.

But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the filling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla.

I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As h**l and Free!

4. Along time ago, there was this 34 year old man. He had a happy life but he wanted more. So one day when he was driving to work he saw a small child on the middle of the road. She didn't move or anything. He saw her and stopped. He got outside and picked up the little girl. He then put her in the front seat and went off to work. When he got out of his car when he came to the parking lot, his best bud asked him why a little girl was in his car. The man said "I found her on the road and will bring her home after work to make her happy." His friend understood immediately that his friend wanted to do to this poor girl. He then said "WHAT! YOU b*****d! SHE'S ONLY A LITTLE GIRL! WHAT THE h**l IS WRONG WITH YOU!" Then the 34 year old said " Is something wrong? I just want to make her happy by calling the police to call her parents?" Then his friend said "OMG! Sorry Jim! I thought you wanted to have s*x with her!" The 34 year old said "Oh I was going to do that, but you said it was wrong so I changed my mind."

I made up all of those. The 4th one is the newest.

Answer 16

A father and son snake are out for a nice afternoon slither.

The son asks, "Dad is we poisonous snakes?"

The father replies proudly, "Yes son, we are rattler snakes! Why do you ask son?"

"Because DAD, I just bit my tongue!!"

joke2

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then share with the class how they were successful.

Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a chocolate chip cookie stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.

They all said, “This tastes like p**p!" Then I replied, “It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?!!"

joke3

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (a 100-legged bug) that came in a little white box which served as the bug's house.

He took his purchase home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "HEY IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO CHURCH WITH ME AND LEARN ABOUT THE LORD?"

(YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!)

And a little voice came out of the box.........

"I heard you the first time.......I'm putting on my shoes!"