Jokes please. anyone got some?

Question

anyone have any good jokes for me? best one gets 10 points. any jokes will be appreciated

Answer 1

say well i was at the doctors with my brother the other day getting his sports physical

and the doc told him u have to stop masterbating

my bro said well y doc

cause i still have to examin u

a 30 year old guy and a 7 year old boy are walking in to the forest

and the kid said "im scared"

the man said "ha u think ur scared i have to walk out of here by myself"

Answer 2

Q.What did one boob say to the other boob?

A.We better get some support around here or somebody might think we are nuts!!!

Answer 3

A ditzy blonde applied for a job at the Tickle-Me Elmo factory. Although she wasn't particularly qualified, the manager liked what he saw in her and decided to put her to work anyway. He started her out at the end of the assembly line where he figured she couldn't do much damage.

After giving her very specific instructions, he went back to his office to do some paperwork. He had just sat down to sign a few things when all of a sudden his secretary burst in to tell him that the whole assembly line had been shut down!

He raced out of his office to see what was the matter. With a growing sense of dread, he looked toward the end of the assembly line. Sure enough, there was the newly hired blonde surrounded by a huge pile of Elmos. As the manager watched, she took each little Elmo doll, slit open its crotch, and carefully inserted two large steel ball bearings before sewing the little Elmos up again.

The manager stormed up to the blonde and demanded to know what in the world was going on!

The blonde smiled and looked up at him. "I'm doing exactly what you told me to do," she said, handing him a piece of paper. "See, I even wrote it down."

The manager took one look at the paper and groaned. "Maybe I wasn't quite clear," he said. "What I meant for you to do was give each new Elmo two test tickles!"

Answer 4

i got one try this if it does the trick~~!!!!!!!!!

Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine "s*x". s*x is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took s*x for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I was looking for s*x."

My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for s*x. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for s*x. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said "But this is a dog," he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had s*x since I was two years old."

He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have s*x at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But s*x has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around s*x."

He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having s*x there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for s*x. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for s*x. Then I said, "You don't understand. s*x keeps me awake at night", and the clerk said,"Me too."

One day I told my friend that I had s*x on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had s*x before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too."

When I told him that after I was married s*x had left me, he said, "Me too."

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Well, s*x has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely."

The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that s*x isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"

Answer 5

This is an old joke that I made a movie off of. You might be intersted. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rS_Fg7H6l...

Answer 6

    Politically Correct Feminine Terminology

Have you ever wanted to talk about a girl but was afraid

that you would offend the person standing near you?...NOT. Well, if you are, then are some alternatives to some popular phrases.

I found them on a poster, but I don't remember which one.

She is not: An airhead

She is: Reality Impaired

She is not: A Bleached Blond

She is: Peroxide Dependant

She is not: A babe or chick

She is: A Breasted American

She does not have: Major league hooters

She is: Pectorally Superior

She does not have: A Great Tan

She is: Pigmentally Enhanced

You do not want to: Score or pick her up

You want to: Attempt a Horizontal Encounter

She is not: A perfect 10

She is: Numerically Superior

She does not have: A great butt

She has: A Superior Posterior

5 months ago

Answer 7

I was just thinking how many old people read bibles then I remember why? They are cramming for their finals