Jokes ?

Question

are they good

Answer 1

yes

Answer 2

ok i got 2!

1. a man comes home just to be hit it the head with a frying pan by his wife. he asks her "what was that for?". she says she found a note with the name debby and a number on it. he says "i betted on a horse race horse." so the next day, he comes home just to get hit on the head again. he then again says "what was that for?" she says " your horse called."

2. a big overweight guy wants to lose some weight. so he sees an ad in the paper for a gym. they say that its gauranteed to lose at least 5 pounds a visit. so he goes and signs up for the gym membership. the manager tells him to take off all his clothes and go into a big gym area.

the mager tells him to put his clothes on the floor and wait a minute. a few minutes later a gorgeous blonde comes out with a sign saying " if you catch me im yours" so she starts running around through an obbstacle and he was an inch to catching her but then she disappears through a wall opening. and when he finished he lost exactly 5 pounds as gauranteed. as he is going home he thinks to himself " man i was so close to getting her" maybe i should go one more time. he goes back to the gym the next day and says to the manager " i want to lose 20 pounds this time" he tells him to take all his clothes off again and go in the same room. a few minutes later a gorilla comes out with a sign saying "if i catch you your mine"

Answer 3

what is green and red?

a cucomber holding its breath

tehheheh

Answer 4

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Dat is easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Italian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.

"Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question.

Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and c**p by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a t**d, dirty tree and a t**d, and dirty tree and a t**d, dat make one hundred. So, when I start?"

Answer 5

Once upon a time there were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they all lived together.

One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled.

The 94 year old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see." She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?"

The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sister’s shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure.

Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

… Because he felt crummy.

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

You're right," She said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his beautiful, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I've got mail!"

There are 10 cats in a basket and one cat jumps out. How many are left?

None. They are all copycats!

There are some.

Hope you like them! :  )