Judge my writing please? Give lots of comments!?

Question

I know my job. Win the medals, be happy. Make everyone proud that I'm not wasting my supposed talent.

So I think on that as I throw punches at the punchbag which swings around like some bizarre children's monster.

Just me in the gym- the school lets me work out on my own, so that I don't get distracted from the other boys who are eager and competent but have no talent.

Occasionally one of the PE teachers will come in and cheer encouragement or tactfully suggest improvement, but I asked them not to do that and they rarely come in now. Their nurturing sounds so ridiculous and highlights the fact that they mourn the sport successes of their childhood and as adults, wonder how they ended up here.

Focus. My punches were weak and inaccurate: I could feel that I was hitting the punchbag wrong. My knuckles felt weak and throbbed pathetically. Toughen up- don't let life get to you. Machine!

Answer 1

good character emotions. Some of the sentences are passive, so you could edit that so they're more full. Unless you're using your characters strength, and working out ability to control the sentences?

I think its good though, sounds interesting. :)

Answer 2

Uh, its ok. Work on it a little more. Re-write the beginning paragraph, not well written.

I like the idea though!

Answer 3

      I think it's very good.  I'm not quite sure about the machine part, though.  But the spelling's good and it's easy to read.  The only problem I can see is that you're tending to mix up your tenses.  .....'Occasionally, one of the PE instructors WILL come in.....'       Then.....'but I ASKED them not to.....'  One's the future, the other is the perfect tense.  The poor old readers become a bit confused!  But all this is something you can deal with on re-writes.  Try reading it into a tape recorder, then playing it back.  You can pick up a lot of mistakes this way.  But well done.  Keep at it.

Good luck

Mike B

Answer 4

That is really good! I love your hook 'I know my job. Win the medals, be happy. Make everyone proud that I'm not wasting my supposed talent.' That's awesome! And it all makes me want to know more! Great verbs! I can understand the character and her emotions, like I'm getting a peek into her life! 5 Stars! Let me know if you want me to judge more or give any advice, I'd love to!

Answer 5

Once again, good job! You have a real talent!!!

Keep writing

alison

Answer 6

I know my job. Win the medals, be happy. Make everyone proud that I'm not wasting my supposed talent.

So I think on that as I throw punches at the punchbag which swings around like some bizarre children's monster.

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I think you should re-phrase that.  Other wise it's pretty good. And the way you said 'so I don't get distracted from the other boys who are eager and competent but have no talent' I think that should be changed too. The way you said have no talent, it made me think that they do have talent they're just not recognized would be better. Good luck writing!

Answer 7

really good plz answer my question http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?...

Answer 8

I'm thirteen and I love it!

I'd buy the book!

Answer 9

Not bad but two big things that I noticed - make sure you use proper punctuation.  It's okay to have short choppy sentences like you have here, I know that is on purpose, and it's fine as long as you punctuate properly.

Also, Make sure you stick to one tense.  You start off in present tense and end off in past tense, all in the same scene.

Otherwise, not bad work - keep it up!

Answer 10

I think you should come up with a better way to say,

"as I throw punches at the punchbag which swings around like some bizarre children's monster."

It's really unclear.

Other than that it's good.

Answer 11

I find your tense very awkward. I like your idea, but I think you need some more work. It also seems that you're focusing a lot on a section of your story that does not really seem currently relevant or very dramatic. As great as short blunt sentences are when used sparingly, you're continual use of choppy sentences in short makes your piece choppy.

Answer 12

I really like it. I'm unsure about the Macine! bit at the end because i don't really understand why you put that word at the end but other than that i think it's really good.

Answer 13

The idea is good but I had to read it twice to really let it sink in. I think your punctuation needs a lot of work. You tend to allow run-on sentences.

You use a few words that are not correct like "distracted from" should be "distracted by"

you change tenses from the present to past.

You tell us how you want it to sound like it is smothering... but at the same time, the teachers give you the liberty to be alone and don't bother you anymore.

Good idea - you need to work on execution of it though.