Judge this please? Lots of comments!?

Question

The boys sat, languid in the shade of the oak tree. These were the popular boys, the sort who'd normally be running about and causing trouble but today they were lazily attempting to label a diagram of the human body. They called Hudgens, one of the academic 'geeks':

'Hudgens! You know where the spleen is?' Hudgens and his band of merry geeks ran over, pleased to be able to sit with the popular boys.

Then leaning against the benches were the artistic group, who were engrossed in sketching the school garden, a messy affair complete with unkempt foliage and muddy pond.

And, sitting in the school gym watching everyone else bask in the hazy lethargic sun, was myself, waiting for the coach to turn up so I could do press-ups.

Answer 1

That's very good. I know it was only setting the scene but it still makes me want to read more! x

Answer 2

There were a few run-ons.

"These were the popular boys, the sort who'd normally be running about and causing trouble but today they were lazily attempting to label a diagram of the human body."

"Then leaning against the benches were the artistic group, who were engrossed in sketching the school garden, a messy affair complete with unkempt foliage and muddy pond."

Possibly this one, although I'm not sure:

"And, sitting in the school gym watching everyone else bask in the hazy lethargic sun, was myself, waiting for the coach to turn up so I could do press-ups."

Break them up into slightly shorter sentences. Be creative, but make sure it still makes sense. Give the length of the sentences some variation...short, long, medium, short, long....

Also, there were a few errors. I'll correct them...

They called Hudgens, one of the academic "geeks".

^ Use " instead of '

Same goes for all the other sentences in quotation marks.

Then, leaning against the benches, was the artistic group. They were engrossed in sketching the school garden, a messy affair complete with unkempt foliage and muddy pond.

^ You can see where I put the commas. Also, I broke that other sentence into two because with the proper grammar, it was another run-on sentence. I used "was" instead of "were" because a group is a whole. If it was "groups", then you would use "were".

Good luck! :)

Answer 3

It's really good. I wanna read the rest :)

Answer 4

It's OK. I think you should read your work aloud- it's a great way of finding the parts that sound bad.

Incidentally, while it's important to fully understand punctuation and grammar, don't be afraid to break the rules. In prose that is meant to be read for pleasure, the most important thing is the cadence (flow) of the sentence. Something doesn't need to be well-written to be hugely entertaining, and before the grammar police come and haul me away, I would suggest that they look at some better writers than me. They could make a start with Dickens- now there was a guy who was unafraid to split infinitives and -shock- end a sentence with preposition. And, yes, I do know what I'm talking about- I'm a bad writer with a good publishing deal.

Answer 5

Just my own opinion but it seems like you're trying a little too hard and making it too wordy.  

Answer 6

The scene setting is very good and I can see where you're going; but the English grammar is poor (sorry about that).

This would be helped considerably by shortening the longer sentances a little and using better punctuation. For example, try using a semi-colon between "garden" and "a messy affair". Or, better still, end the sentance at "garden" and start the next one with "It was a messy affair..."

Also, remove the "Then" from "Then leaning...".  You should also finish the paragraph. As it is you have left the reader wondering "yeah, artistic group leaning... so what?"

Finally, never start a sentence with "And". This is something better left to the "right-on" authors (aka lazy ones who can't be bothered to use their language properly). If your plot line really needs an "And" then consider splitting the sentence by a semi-colon; and then using the "and" (in lower case). See what I mean? It's much more elegant.

I really recommend that you invest in a copy of the book Eats Shoots and Leaves by Lynne Truss. This wonderful short book is a very easy read and is the best expanation of correct punctuation, and why it's important, since I did my O Level English Language.

Answer 7

I liked this. Would like to read more.