Just 4 fun,can you write a comical story re:a GHOST TOUR,including as many of these lines as possible? ?

Question

1. A deviated septum, a swollen ankle, and get this..... A torso that has been severed in mid-thorax.

2. Yeah, about that, umm....... You see, the problem is..... the entrance has been blocked.

3. A creepy librarian,an alcoholic poet and a former member of the Russian equestrian team.

4. Please let go of my small intestines.

5. Cha,cha,cha!

6. Ooooooh,spine tingling...... Okay.....Who wants a hot dog?

7. This is a neurotics jackpot!

8. She screamed at the top of her lungs, causing my right foot to twitch uncontrollaby.

9. Thrown into chaos,the Italian nuns turned out to be great sprinters!

10. Your thoughts remind me of a toad....... though ugly and venomous, rather interesting and somewhat funny.

Answer 1

Our tour group were an odd bunch to say the least.  There was A CREEPY LIBRAIAN, AN ALCOHOLIC POET AND A FORMER MEMBER OF THE RUSSIAN EQUESTRIAN TEAM.  Oh yes, and four Italians Nuns from the Saint John's Wart Convent who called themselves "The Seekers of The Holy Basil".   I shook my head and thought  THIS IS A NEUROTIC JACKPOT!

Our group stood ready at the edge of the old western ghost town of Tumbleweed.  Tumbleweeds rolled down the rutted dirt street giving authenticity to it's name.  Swinging saloon doors swung to and fro on squeaky hinges.  Faded, frayed, and stained curtains flapped out of the broken windows that stared out at us like hollow threatening eyes.  I felt a tingle run up my spine and shivered in spite of myself.  "Heebie Jeebies, PLEASE LET GO OF MY SMALL INTESTINES," I asked my body as another tingle over took me.

Our tour guide noticed and chuckled.  "OOOOOOOH, SPINE TINGLING.......OKAY......WHO WANTS A HOT DOG before we really get started?," he asked.  We ambled across the street to The Red Dog Fresh Air Cafe.  (fancy name for a hot dog cart.)  I hoped the name didn't have anything to do with what was in them.

As we stood around munching our Red Dog hot dogs, our guide told us some of the stories attached to this old deserted ghost town.  "There used to be a saloon girl that worked over at the Wild Stallion Saloon," he started.  "All ears were tuned in.  "She had a twangy voice and walked kinda funny due to A DEVIATED SEPTUM, A SWOLLEN ANKLE, AND GET THIS..... They found her with A TORSO THAT HAD BEEN SEVERED IN MID THORAX!"  

The libraian paled noticably.  "They say," the guide went on.  "That at certain times you can see the bottom half of her walking around the saloon with the top half floating behind ."  

The nuns crossed themselves and kissed their rosarys.  "Rumor says she was very fond of cha cha music," the guide continued.  "So, if you hear fingers snapping and a female voice singing, 'CHA CHA CHA!', be prepared because 'The Rose of The Wild Stallion Saloon' walks among us again!"

I decided to show a little bravado to hide my goose flesh bumps and trembling insides.  "Although designed to put us in a certain frame of mind for this tour, I find that YOUR THOUGHTS REMIND ME OF A TOAD....THOUGH UGLY AND VENOMOUS, RATHER INTERESTING AND SOMEWHAT FUNNY."

He laughed out loud, his chest heaving with mirth.  "And....Guess where our tour begins," he grinned.  "The Wild Stallion Saloon!!  Now we'll see how brave you are."  His laughter bounched of the weathered boards of the town buildings.

We entered the saloon with bated breath and soft footsteps.  Not a sound nor whisper could be heard.  The mirror behind the bar was cracked making our reflection distorted.  Dusty whiskey bottle were lined up in front of it.  Poker cards littered one table in the corner.  You could almost see cigar smoke drifting throughout the room, almost smell it!  And loud boasterous voices!!  Piano music!!  Then....."snap.....snap....snap!!"  The librarian's eyes grew over large.  The nuns once more started crossing themselves.  I felt that old familiar tingle start as my knees grew weak.  

Then......"CHA, CHA, CHA!"  The librarian opened her mouth and SHE SCREAMED AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS, CAUSING MY RIGHT LEG TO TWITCH UNCONTROLABLY.   And, THROWN INTO THE CHAOS, THE ITALIAN NUNS TURNED OUT TO BE GREAT SPRINTERS!!

We all turned toward the door but the guide held up his hands to halt us.  "Wait!," he ordered.  "Everybody stay calm."

"We're leaving," I told him.  "One way or another!"

"YEAH," he started.  "ABOUT THAT, UMM......YOU SEE, THE PROBLEM IS.....THE ENTRANCE HAS BEEN BLOCKED."

We were a sight to behold, for sure.  We had that entrace cleared and were out that door before our guide could blink!