Just a guy who did the wrong thing a few times - or a rat unlikely to change?

Question

Hi all - have been struggling a little at home lately - my husband (who I love and he loves me) is kind of unhappy with work and I feel guilty as he moved jobs to be closer to my family. He just relaxes in front of his ps3 at home, but I need more communication from him. Have discussed it and we work on it - we have 2 under 2 and its hard but we work hard - we love each other and hope things will get better................

Having said that I have been struggling with something that a friend reminded me of a while ago. I posted this before and everyone was like, oh just move on, and I know I should but with 2 kids at home its a bit hard to shift my focus as I don't work anymore. A guy I was barely involved with (emotionally) years ago - before I met hubby. She mentioned how well things seem to be going for him and I am kind of struggling to stop dwelling on it (so ashamed of that but its true). Here is the story, pls tell me what you think......

I was out in WA with a friend when I was 22/23 in a club - yes looking for a decent boyfriend, but not s*x that night. A guy by himself keeps looking at us and eventually approaches. He's obviously looking to pick up but being young and dumb I think he is interested. Stupidly, I offer him a lift home - he makes a number of moves on the way and really pushes to get back to my place. I don't really like this idea so he starts kissing me etc etc in the car and I just feel so insecure and embarrassed(about being a virgin) and I should have stopped it but he keeps going and I go along with it, and its not good, so we stop. He gets blood on his jeans (yeah kinda graphic but part of the story) and I hope he doesn't notice! (later I found out he did).

So I am really thinking he is keen now - and I was looking for a boyfrined so I agree he can come back with me (yes another stupid move, I was so naive). So we have s*x. Hated it. But, hoping he was keen I did it (or should I say allowed him to). He got me to admit I was a virgin and he said he felt bad because you only get it once and that I mightn't have wanted to have s*x - well duh!!. (I know it was my fault, but oh that sucked!) I am embarrassed and feel looked down upon but for some crazy reason I am keen on him. Dropped him off at his friend's house the next day (he lived in another town and was on a few days off - worked in a mine earning mega $$$ - possibly a reason I was keen) and gave him my phone no. He didn't ask me for it, I offered it - he obviously thought it would be a one-nighter. 2 weeks go by - I am upset that he doesn't call and my lease runs out so I move house. I am sad I lost my virginity that way but accept it. Then I get a call on my mobile phone. It's him, he had tried my number but it was obviously cut off as I had moved, so he went to my house and got my mobile no from the neighbour. My dumb arsed brain thinks: 'Wow he must be soooooo keen on me!' - he went to my house!!

So we meet again, go to a club, more s*x. That's about it. I tell him I want more (than just s*x) and he says that if that was the case it would have been better to leave it at a one night thing. I don't think too much about this at the time. He then becomes sheepish and giggles to himself that he is a 'bad bad boy'. Wake up! - but I don't.

Third time we meet he wants to know if I am going out anyway - I am not. He sounds confused and eventually asks me to the cinema. He does not seem happy to be with me. I find her eyeliner in his car. He laughs and says its his Mom's. I don't believe him. I barely talk to him through the movie and afterwards. He makes light of it. I eventually get it out of him that he is already with someone. I am hurt but don't cry or scream at him. I just don't talk to him and he gets the message and walks off - turns around and says 'see you round', laughing. I am so hurt and embarrassed that I was used for s*x that I tell almost no-one and barely shed a tear as mentally I force the whole thing away. No s*x that time (obviously) and that is the end of his cheating with me.

What I am kind of stuck on now is that I comforted myself in the thought that if he is cheating on her, and he really did go out of his way to do it, then his relationship cannot be that happy. Then I find out he married her a few years after that all happened, and that they had a child together before he even cheated with me. That is all I really know now as I obviously haven't had contact with him and never will. Saw them out once and he looked 'into' her. Friends who I eventually told tried to tell me that he is 'scum' and that he will cheat again anyway so not to worry. Seems that he is not 'scum' in a lot of ways, though. I mean, if he married her they must be happy, right? Plus he seems to have great friends (who knew about the whole thing as well, even their wives knew and must have kept it secret from his gf). Living in a small town, now too, so unlikely he could cheat now anyway. He never seemed comfortable around me in public - probably worried about being caught - plus he didn't seem like a serial cheater.

Okay so I was thinking he mustn't be a great guy to be with etc etc, but then I learnt about men's psych and how they can totally just cheat even if they are really happy in their relationship and love her etc. It means nothing to them. So he could be in a good relationship etc

So what do you think it was about? Was I a 'last hurrah' prior to settling down (in your opinion)? Do you think I actually made him realise how much the gf meant to him? He was obviously selfish - would this spill over to other areas in his relationship?

I guess I sound bitter. Well yeah, now that I know he like, totally got away with it I feel even more ripped off. I don't want him and never loved him (Ijust wanted to be treated well), but I still feel hurt. Weird thing is I didn't have any sort of attraction until I slept with him. But even after that all I expected of him was that he was single and not 'duping' me.

I just wonder if there could be a down side in this for him as I can't see it! (and it would make me feel better

For the record I learnt a lot and never did anything like that again...

Answer 1

The guy is a rat. It sucks that he cheated on his wife, and some guys do that. Some women do it too. But trust me, even though it does not look like it bothers him deep down it does. It does not bother him, because he is trying to suppress it. He is probably a guy who truly cannot control himself. It is hard for men and women to stay committed to one another, but if they truly work at it it will be the most rewarding experience of their lives. Even if that guy still cheats he still feels like a dirtbag after. The reason he carries on with his life is that he forgets about it as quick as possible. People who are in love that cheat really really do regret it. All I can say is to not dwell on it. You gave yourself to him first and thats why you may still think about him. Trust me, it is better to move on, and surprise your hubby with a week of greatness. Basically, have a fun packed week of things you used to do before you got married. Just let loose! That guy is a true jerk. Based off the way he treated you he is a rat. You are way better than him!  

Answer 2

Your last sentence says it all.  You learned a lot.  That's what matters.  Don't mind what he is doing, how happy he is, why he cheated on you.  Don't ask these questions.  It's not worth it.  Maybe he is still cheating (on his wife), maybe he already got his payback for using you while taking your virginity.  Ever think that?  God works behind the scenes and things happen that you aren't even aware of.  Just know that everything is the way it should be and it's all in the past.  

Answer 3

I tried to read this to answer, but i really couldn't make it past the 4th paragraph, shorten it up, ask again, then we'll try to help you.  

Answer 4

This is why we tell people not to have s*x outside of a commited relationship. Women get attached. Men get bored.  It happens that fast. You need to be thankful for your husband tonight and go tell him you love him. He married you. The other guy used you and dumped you cold.  

Answer 5

Nobody knows what his exact motivation was, besides him.  That doesn't change what he did.

He's going to get his either in this life or the next.  Already, a *lot* of people that could have otherwise been real friends for him know he is a scumbag.  So he missed out.

If you don't think he's suffered enough, go ahead, call up the wife, tell her everything -- you better have good evidence or good witnesses ready -- see where it gets you.  I'd ummm talk this one over with your husband first, though, so he knows what's coming.

I'm more worried that you are still dwelling on this years, and one marriage, later.  I think you have some issues, and I'm trying to say that in a helpful, not derogatory, way.

Answer 6

seriously tooooooooooooo long

Answer 7

i hate to be harsh and it is easier said then done but you shouldn't waste your energy on this guy! i think your mind gets focused on him because you lost you virginity to him and also because you said although you love your hubby you guys have had some problems. sometimes when our reality isn't the way we want it to be we try to escape it by making everything else seem more desierable than it really is.  just the fact that the other guy had a child with that woman and then went out of his way to cheat with you shows he has a huge lack of respect for the people he's involved with. also the way you said he responed to you when you saw the eyeliner... he just laughed like a cocky a*****e... that is so rude. im sorry to hear you had to go thru all that. but dont be too hard on yourself we all do things without thinking them thru. just try to remember what your worth, dont you think its more than the way he treated you?  never settle.