Just a question about adoption and birthparents out of interest?

Question

l've heard it said by a couple of birthparents that placing a child for adoption is a very complex decision, involving many different emotions, which l'm sure it is. However, l've also heard it suggested that children should be informed of all these emotions, residues of guilt, etc, to help them truly understand their birthparents, rather than portray it in a more positive light. Now, l hope nobody takes offense at this, l'm thinking of the children when l write this, not either set of parents, but doesn't anyone else find that unfair? l feel that is quite an adult and unjust burden to place on a child or even an adult. After all, a child makes no decisions about their birth, their family, or their family of origin. Why should parents, with all due respect, ask their children to understand the range of emotions and problems that their birthparents may be suffering? Does anyone else agree with this, or have a different opinion? What l'm basically asking is.. (cont.)

Answer 1

l don't really know much about it, but yeah, you should put the kids first because it's not their fault that someone had to put them up for adoption, and even though the birthmoms are probably really sad about it, they shouldn't put that on the kids.  So, yes, kids should be told about their adoptions in a nice positive way, and you can maybe tell them that they were wanted by two sets of parents and even though their birthmoms are a bit sad they couldn't keep them they're happy that they have good parents and families and get looked after well, something like that.

Answer 2

I think you are fundamentally missing the actual issue.  You are right that a child should never be burdened with adult issues.  This issue is about respecting the complex feelings and nature of adoption.  Too often an adopted child is told a very simplistic and especially positive reason why they were placed for adoption.  Let's take my situation for example.  If you were to ask me why we placed our son for adoption just after we placed him, I wouldn't have allowed a full picture of the truth to be said.

I would have said that we were young and completely unprepared for parenting a child.  Life would have been really hard and none of us would have been happy or relaxed.  He deserved better than that.

And that is true.  But, it's not the whole truth.

What is missing from this explanation is the complexity of why this choice was made.

At the time of the adoption, we had to self-coerce ourselves to make the decision to place.  We didn't fully explore all our options and we made the complete decision to place before he was born.  We were not informed of the full consequences of placing a child for adoption, only the legal consequences.  While we were offered the information about parenting, it was a part of a 15 minute conversation leading into meeting the one set of potential adoptive parents.  He should know how society and those close to us failed us, as well as how we failed ourselves in the decision making process.  Placing a child for adoption is not a simple choice and isn't easily narrowed down to a one sentence explanation.

Was the decision to place him for adoption "the best" choice?  No one knows that.

Also, these conversations are over an entire childhood.  These aren't things discussed all at once and overwhelming.  It's okay to start small and state each time that while the explanation seems simple, "There are more reasons, but maybe you will understand more when you are bigger..."  Or, as they are processing what part they just figured out saying "Yes, exactly for that part, but there is more than meets the eye."

We aren't talking about dumping guilt or sorrow on the child.  I think it's making sure that the adopted person doesn't stay stuck with their ideas of their birthparents being forever in that place of crisis.  There are a lot of people who get hurt thinking about their families of origin continuing on after placement having more family.  I think we get presented as being in crisis and never having those circumstances change.

Editing to add:  I forgot to add that when a child is told *only* the positive like that their birthmother and birthfather really did love them, the one issue that is still there with a big flag is, "Well if they did, how could they have still left me behind?"  The only positive stories still have negative connotations that the adopted person still sees fully.  It's just now that only the positive is talked about, and none of the complexity, it becomes a life lesson that we just don't talk about that messy stuff and that in itself becomes a bigger struggle come later.  

"they placed you into loving arms, you weren't abandoned" doesn't address the concept of "well why did they leave me behind and wash their hands of me?"

"they loved you deeply" doesn't address the concept of "well why wasn't I enough"

"this was the best choice" can leave the concept of that the family of origin was and never will be decent people even given different circumstances.

Only putting an adoption story into positive light leaves a big huge elephant of an adopted person's identity completely unaddressed.

Answer 3

I think an adopted child should be made to feel comfortable asking questions about their adoption and based on the questions asked, their age and maturity at the time they should be answered accurately.  If that means they ask heavy questions then answer them.  If they want to know every little complex detail then tell them.

I don't think the information should be forced on them but freely shared if they want to know.

I believe it is terribly wrong to make an adopted child or adult feel guilty about wanting to know more about their adoption and talk about it.  It won't deflect their curiosity and needs.  Some need to talk about it, some don't.  Some need to know every complex detail, some don't.

It's not unfair to share this information with an adopted child or adopted adult if they want to know.

Answer 4

Our adopted daughter is now 4 1/2.  We've had her since she was one day old.  Her birth parents just plain didn't want her.  They'd broken up before she was born and neither wanted the "bother" of taking care of her.  They are both dope heads and that's the only thing important to them.  The reason she was removed from her mother and placed with us when she was born is because she tested postive for amphetamines when she was born.

There's no way on earth I'm going to tell my precious little girl that her birth parents didn't want her and chose dope over her!

Answer 5

Children will naturally want to know the "Why" question, "Why didn't my birthparents want to keep me?"  and they will know when something is being kept from them or they are lied to.  The best thing to do is talk about birthparents age appropriately.  It IS painful for for adoptees to have to process their relinquishment, but it is a fact of their life.  Understanding their birthparents as human beings helps them process it, which they need to do.  It makes them understand that it was about adult problems, not because they were an unlovable baby, or a bad baby, which kids can think.  If the reasos for relinquishment are never talked about or processed, adoptees can silently spend their lives feeling guilty, like they were bad or did something wrong for their birthparents to not want to keep them.

So, I guess what I'm saying is adoptive parents should talk about their child's birthparents honestly and respectfully as human beings not just out of respect for birthparents, but because it is what the adoptee needs.

Answer 6

I was adopted when I was about 2 days old and when my adoptive parents told me they layed everything out for me so I could understand it all as best I could. I think I was about 7 and was told something like they we're young and not married and wanted you to have a good life. As I got older I have asked about it alot more and have acually been searching for my birthparents for awhile now. My adoptive parents told me everything they knew about them good or not and I don't feel like I have been informed well. The bad thing where I was adopted and when it was done there's nothing that I can find out about them without going and getting a judge to open paperwork. I guess I wanted to give you my experience on the whole thing and let you know that I am glad that they told me everything and didn't leave out anything even if it was bad. Hope this helps......