Just a question about the opinions of adoption...?

Question

when i asked the question about keeping my baby and gave a description of how poor i am people were telling me to put the baby up for adoption, it would be better for him. now, and not because of those answers, i am giving him up for adoption and people and telling me not to do it. i guess my question is do people believe in it or not? or do they still think i should and they are just warning me how hard its going to be?

confused...

ps not trying to be rude, i am grateful for all my answerers but im just feeling a little stuck in the middle

Answer 1

Well considering they dont know the direct situation you are in maybe you should try before you give up your own flesh and blood away. If it doesnt work out then maybe seek help from a financial aid or give up the baby.

Answer 2

The problem with these forums is that 90% of the answers are given by %10 of the participants.  So, the answers you get, especially in these emotionally charged topics, are not really representative of what most people think or believe, rather the feelings of people on the extremes because they are the most motivated to respond.

Adopting is a personal choice.  You should talk to people in person and not base a decision on what you see and read on this site.

Answer 3

I don't think this is the appropriate forum for you to find your answers.  Most people have their own agendas.  

Find yourself a counselor who can guide you through your options.  There are resources out there to help you.  There are religious organizations out there that can help such as Jewish Family & Children Services (www.jfcs.org) or Catholic Family Services.  

Whatever you decide - I wish you and your child all the best.

Answer 4

You cannot make this decision based on advice from Yahoo answers.  Talk to a counselor who is not connected with an adoption agency and sort through all the thoughts and feelings you are having and make an informed decision.  You can wait until after giving birth to make this decision.  Best wishes to you.

Answer 5

Dear Kala,

Once you've bonded with the baby, I'm with you, it would be much harder to place the child. Regardless whatever the anti-adoption group says, I say go with your heart, intuition/instincts. You know better than anyone about your situation and capabilities. I can imagine how torn you feel. Don't listen to any of us or you really will feel stuck in the middle. My heart goes out to you & I'll keep you in my prayers. Hang in there.

PS: Hannah M. : Your mother sounds like an angel. How fortunate you are! My last 2 statements include you.

Answer 6

Please, please, don't worry too much about what we semi-anonymous types on the internet think.  This is your decision.  Either way, you have to live with it for the rest of your life.  Nobody can make it for you.  (And I don't blame you for feeling stuck!)

I do believe, however, that you did a good thing in getting opinions on both sides of the issue even if it was by accident, because now you know more than you did before.

Do you know any adoptees IRL, or anyone who's given up her baby/child?  It might help to talk to them.  But don't let them or anyone else choose for you.

Answer 7

My story is more like Trish's, I was young (18) and still completely fogged about my adoption, I started to wake up after he was born, I was asked to make a list of what adoptive parents vs.myself could offer my child.  Some things never change...

Anyway, on my side I wrote only Love.  Which I know was supposed to make me think I was worthless but instead, it made me feel like, Oh this child must really need love because he came to me even though that is all I have to offer, I have a lot of love to offer.  It must be more important to him than all these other "things"  because that is all the adoptive parents had on their side was "things"  I knew they would never understand my child like I would as he was made from part of my body, MY egg.

Anyway, it is years later, I met my natural mother a few months after I had my baby, who is now a senior in h.s.  I have been through a lot of discovery with the impact of adoption on adopted children, and relinquishment on mothers.

From where I sit, poor motherhood, sinlge motherhood, is a walk in the park compared to adoption.

I cannot imagine now, giving up my child, how would it feel to have my child assume I didn't love him.

When I first was in contact with my mother she told me she wanted me to know I was always loved, I was like "wtf lady, you gave me away"  It has been very painful for both of us.

My son on the other hand, despite the hard times being a student and a mom, and broke, is a constant source of happiness.

If you haven't finished school you should visit your local university and see what programs they have there for moms.

No one can make this decision for you, but unfortunately the agencies and the lawyers do not present the realities of adoption truthfully, people don't want to see you and your baby get hurt.

Answer 8

Please see a counselor who will help you weigh all of the information and make the decision that is best for you.  Every person and every adoption situation is different.

Those who say that you can avoid the pain of losing your child by surrendering immediately don't have a clue about bonding.  In most cases, the mother and child are already bonded in utero before the child is born.  The bonding process for mother and child intensifies very strongly as soon as the mother sees and hears and touches the child.  Saying that you will mourn losing your child less or that it will be any easier if you separate immediately is nonsense.

In the 50's, 60's, and 70's, unwed mothers were sometimes knocked out or had their faces covered when they gave birth.  They never saw their babies.  It was done to "prevent bonding".  And guess what?  It did not work because they were already bonded - pre-birth.  Those mothers mourned as deeply as those who cared for their babies before they were given away.  There is never a "better" time to lose a child.

You have gotten a lot of information on many aspects of relinquishment and loss - please discuss the issues with an unbiased counselor.  I think that you are so very wise to explore these issues now.  I am sending my sincerest wishes and hopes for you.

Tish - I hear you!  I know all about the "evil" 4th side too.  Thanks for speaking out.

Answer 9

True story:

Yesterday my natural mother, who gave me up for adoption at birth, and I were talking on the phone.  She is 66 and I am 43.  We have been reunited for 20 years.

Adoption came up (as it often does) and one thing led to another, and we were both crying.  She said, "Im so sorry that this happened to you and to me".  And so am I.

But we can NEVER turn the clocks back.  She will never mother me as a little girl.  I will never have her as my mommy.  It's too late.

We both would do just about ANYTHING to have that back.  Adoption is a permadent 'solution' (not really, of course) to a temporary problem.

You never get over it, and neither will your baby.  I assure you.

But there are lots of agencies and hungry potential adoptive parents who will LIE through their teeth to get their hands on your baby.

Listen to your GUT.

And visit:

origins-usa.org

and

adoptioncrossroads.com

Both can help.  Adoption Crossroads has nightly chat, too.

Good luck, love.

Answer 10

It is really your choice and a hard one to make.  I was adopted at a year and 3 months to a great family.  However, my birth mom kept me for 9 months trying to support herself and I.  I truely love her for the decision that she made.  I ended up with a great family.  I was malnourished when they got me from the hard time that I went through with  my birth mom.   I think that the hard choice that she made was well worth it and would love to thank her for making that decision for a better life.  

Just wanted to give you a perspective from an adoptee.

Answer 11

It's your choice and you need to speak to Proffesional help to determine which way you should go.

Everyone has an opinion & that doesn't mean it's right for you.

Answer 12

I believe that, in some cases, adoption is best for the child. That's my opinion, for all that it counts.

The question that you post is not one that anyone can honestly answer for you. The answer can only be found in yourself. Do you truly believe you are doing what's best for the child?

Answer 13

Do babies need a big house, a fancy SUV, lots of expensive toys?

Can you get signed up for social programs like WIC, medical assistance, food stamps?  

Can you get grant monies as a single parent to help you get an education (therefor creating a better future for you and your child)?  Subsidised daycare?  Subsidised rent?

Even if you have to rely on this for a couple of years, so what?

What is 2 or 3 years of getting assistance in the scope of an entire lifetime without your child?

Will your child even remember this time in your lives?

Do you have to even make this decision now?  Why not make an honest effort to be a parent, and if you really, truly do not feel you can do it, THEN make the decision to place?

Answer 14

You are in the hardest situation ever.... it is difficult.  I am going to make a suggestion and I hope it helps.

Sit down and write down the reasons why you feel you need to give your baby up for adoption....then write another list of reasons why you would keep him...

then I want you to write down the advantages he/she might have with another family....the advantages he would have with you....etc.  

I also want you to have a really good social worker to work with if you do decide to give him to another family.  Someone who will be there for YOU.....

I have a 17 year old son that we adopted.  His birthmother is precious to us!  She was 19 with a baby girl (16 months old) and he has heard only great things about her and what she did for HIM..... the most important job in parenting is giving to your children what you CAN...if that means another family at this time in your life....than you have done the best that you can...  :)

It will be difficult whatever decision you make.... but you can be proud of your decision if you truly think it out...  

My best to you and to your son/daughter whatever you decide to do.

Answer 15

Well listen up. I was adopted when i was a day old. i even had two sisters. Now let me tellyou. if you yourself feel you cannot do justice by this baby by all means let the little person be adopted. there are loving peole out there dying to have a child and they willbe very good. very seldom is there some that are really bad. they are screened and its done very well. the thing is if you feel you are just having too much stress and poverty with this little one and no support to help you and you are alone and know it would be very tough then let someone else raise the baby. the thing is yes you will probably enver forget this little tyke if you use open adoption maybe you can at least know where the person is and they can keep telling him or her that they are adopted. it means they will have a  stable life and that is what i had. yes i was adopted by great uncle but i didnt' know this for 30 to 40 years. i never realized my parents were married like some aren't. there are so many things. i mean i had other siblings and ididnt' grow up with them but i got the better life. right now one of them (sisters0 is dying in flint michigan hosp cause she was so messed up with drugs growing up and couldn't be stable with men she had 4 kids she would on and off raise only to have them hate her cause she was not in it for them could care less of their well being but not smart enough to adopt them out therefore they suffered. my other sister is retired RN and so on. i mean i coudl go on and on. please don't reconsider unless you feel you could maybe give them good home if not let someone else do it. you can find them at 18 or leave them note in office somewhere when they get of age. i mean lets say it would be ok and it will be fine with you. take care and good luck

Answer 16

It is totally your decision.  You have to think could you provide this child with everything that it needs.  Would you love it? I personally think that people who give up their children for adoption arent selfish or bad, they are trying to do the best for their children, because they know that they couldnt do it.  It doesnt matter what anyone else thinks, at the end of the day it is you that has to live by the decision.  Have you thought about seeing a professional abpout it.  Maybe they could help you decide?  

It is one of the hardest decisions you will probably have to make which is why you should listen to all the advice(you dont have to do all of it) and then try and make the decision.

Could you live with knowing that someone else is bringing up your child?  What happens if in a few years you meet someone and want a child with him?  What would happen if that child wnated to find you when they were older?  There are so many things to think about.  At the end of the day could you provide the child with the appropriate life?  Dont let others bully you into making a decision either, its not them that have to live with it.  If you have really decided to give him up then well done for making the hard decision.  I think you are doing it because you love him and care for him want thwe best for him.

XXXX

Answer 17

Being poor is not a reason to lose your child. And it is not a reason for your child to lose you. I wish I could explain to you how hard life is after losing a child to adoption. I wish I could paint a clear picture of what it will be like for you but I can't. The words do not exist. It is a h**l beyond anything I ever imagined. I would not wish it on my worst enemy ( not even my adoption councelor)

I personally will help you find resources you need to parent you baby. Contact me and let me know where you are and I will find programs to help you. There is help out there, you just have to accept it.

Answer 18

I was in your shoes 2 1/2 yrs ago. Like you, I asked many people what they thought was right. I went to a few different places like planned parenthood and the like. They all had a  "script" that they followed. It was very inpersonable and didnt offer me much insight. I also sought out a psychologist for nothing more than to let me unravel all my thoughts to. She didn't sway me in one direction or the other, but having someone to talk it over aloud with was very helpful. If you are low income you should have these services available to you. Now unless you are completely heartless, and it doesnt sound like you are.. this will not be an easy decision. I went through an agency that promoted open adoption where I was able to choose who received my child. I put several couples through interviews and asked them many questions. I knew as soon as I met a couple that they were right to raise my son.  I know myself well enough to know that I could not have done this if the adoption was closed. Even as I signed those papers terminating my parental rights, I was still very uncertain and confused and lost. Now looking back two years later, I know it was right. He is happy and so are his wonderful parents. My heartache has faded and I have a great loving relationship with him.  

It doesnt matter if people agree with adoption or not. What matters is whats in your heart. It takes a very brave and strong woman to even question her ability to raise her child. Even stronger one to go through with it. It also takes a mothers unwavering love for thier child to look past their own "greed" and pain to do what is best for that baby. I use greed loosely for lack of better words what I mean is... I was the one who suffered, it was my pain not my sons, and I didn't keep him just so I wouldnt have to feel that pain of letting go.

If you need anyone to discuss this with you can IM me anytime.

Tish makes very excellent points on the flip side.

Answer 19

My birth mother was 19 years old when she got pregnant with me.  She wanted to go to college, but knew she couldn't do that and provide for me.  Her parents made it clear to her that they were not going to help her out with me.  She knew she couldn't give me the kind of home I deserved, so she gave me up for adoption.

When I was 2 months old, I was adopted by my mom and dad (the ones that raised me).  I have an older brother and a younger sister and my life was a good one.  No parent is perfect, but I had a happy childhood and am a productive adult now.

Although I am sure it must be hard to decide to give your baby up for adoption, please do what you think is in the baby's best interest.  There are so many people in the world who want children and maybe cannot have any due to childhood illnesses or accidents or even because of complications from earlier pregnancies.  If you give your baby up for adoption, you are giving him/her a precious gift of a better life and are also giving a loving couple or family the best gift any human could give to another....the gift of a precious child.

God bless you.

Answer 20

hi kala...

two questions asked to me when i thought about placing:

"if you won the lottery today, would you put together an adoption plan?"  

"if you won the lottery a day after placement, would you regret your decision?"

although these are totally hypotethical questions, answering "yes" might help you make your decision.

a couple of question i have for you:

are you considering placing because you are poor? is your poverty temporary?  do you know what resources are out there to help you?  if not, i'd advise you to do some research prior to making your decision.

are you considering placing because you genuinely feel unprepared or have no desire to parent?  if so, then an adoption plan might work best for you.

although i think that adoption is a good option if circumstances warrant it, i do think that the financial part is mostly temporary and can be overcome.  i was a young, poor mom, who changed my mind and decided to parent. sure, it wasn't a cakewalk, but i eventually finished college and graduate school, and now have my own consulting firm. oh, and a flippant, smart-mouthed, self-absorbed 16 year old...whom I could not even begin to imaging my life without!

what i'm saying is that you have to place poverty into persective.  if you are unable to afford the basic needs (clothing and food) then there are services out there to help you. if you are homeless, then a temporary guardianship might be a good solution.  if you consider yourself poor because you don't have a car or can't afford new clothes, then i think you might want to rethink it.  when my son was born, the best gifts i received were a donated stroller and gift cards to the local grocery store.  i also decided to nurse him which saved me TONS of money on formula... in other words, there are ways to do it...

i just take a bit of offense when people immediately suggest relinquishing due to poverty.  there are many websites that give suggestions on how to be a "frugal mom"- from shopping at second-hand stores and "splitting childcare" with another mom...

in other words, don't let the fact that you are not "rolling in the dough" stop you from parenting if you want to.

however, if you are ambivelant about the idea of being a mother, then an adoption plan might be something to consider.

it's a tough choice, that can be made by nobody but you (and the child's father).

good luck...

ps.. i think magicpointeshoes makes an excellent point. many people who are so gung-ho about adoption have NEVER been faced with making the decision.  although i cancelled my adoption plan and decided to parent, i became a silent member of the 4th side of the adoption game...the mean, evil, non-relinquishing birthmother who shattered the dreams of a childless couple...

ok..i think i just made myself puke :-/

Answer 21

Might I suggest that you connect with other women who have given up children for adoption?  Read some first mother blogs, find a local CUB (Concerned United Birthparents) group in your area, and get some feedback from women who have been in your predicament.  I think they might be the most qualified to give you advice, having been right where you are.

Don't feel like you have to make any decisions now.  Give parenting a try.  Would it really be so bad to at least give yourself - and your child - a fighting chance at being together?

Answer 22

People who suggest that you can just place the baby for adoption usually have *never* had to seriously consider that as an option for themselves.  For the most part, those who are not very knowledgeable about adoption except on a surface level of knowing it exists or knows of someone who was adopted can easily suggest adoption as being an easy way to resolve the turmoil of a worried expectant mother.

The second question you asked specifically to birthmothers about placing your child for adoption, isn't the same answer pool.  Now you are getting answers from someone who specifically has knowledge of the impact of adoption.  People who have really had to struggle with what it means to consider leaving your own child with someone else.  It shouldn't be an easy answer and regardless of whether you place or parent, your life will change from what you knew before.  If I could tell myself that 11 years ago, I would have risen to the challenge of parenting instead of placing.

Answer 23

im 17 and a couple months ago when i went to a check up they told me i was pregnant. they immediately had a social worker come in and talk to me. the only thing they gave me was numbers for adoption agencies. i was scared and didnt know what to do. i knew i couldnt afford a baby, even with my boyfriends help. i called the agencies and the next day they all sent me paperwork and family profiles to look at. we signed the paperwork and sent it back. my boyfriend was so sad and upset that i was going to give his baby away. i was looking on the internet and read all these stories about how emotionally distressed the mothers and the babies ended up. i got really depressed but i thought it was the only option we had.

my mom found out when she went into my room one day and saw adoption papers. she found me in the living room and told me she knew i was pregnant. she reasured me that adoption wasnt my only option and that she didnt want me or the baby to go through it. she told me about all the resourses i could get and all the programs i could get in to hlp me. she gave me all the numbers and told me it was my decision and that she would support me no matter what decision i made. she said if i wanted to keep her she would help me and reassured me my family would too.

i was still scared and still thought it was better if i gave her up, even though i was getting more and more attached to her. i told this to my boyfriend and he was happy to hear this. we were still worried but we decided she was worth keeping even though it would be hard.

we are due in 5 weeks. we are keeping the baby. i didnt want th baby at first but i do now and i feel as if i would die if i had to give her away.

i think it depends on how attached the mother is. lots of mommys dont have the money and arent "ready" but they are attached to the baby and thats all it takes to make it work.

if you arent attached to this baby then adoption is the best option for you. and the baby.

if you keep her get on all the mom programs like wic and childaction, welfare, medical, whatever you need. also join a moms group. they can  help you with stuff for the baby and are a huge support system.

good luck whichever you choose

Answer 24

i think that you should have the baby and try to raise the baby if you then feel as if you cant handle it or you simply dont want the baby you will always have the opportunity to give the child up for adoption. Either way the decision will be hard but thats the reality that you have to face when you decide to have s*x.

Answer 25

I suspect each question brought out those who felt strongly for the other option.  (Or luck of the draw, different people were on at that time.)

I think, if you can keep your child, it would be better for both of you in the long run.  My adoptive parents loved me and took good care of me.  But did the really provide me with a better home than my birth mother could have?  I don't think so.  They got divorced, and I was raised, with three other (adoptive) siblings in a one-parent home anyway.  Money was tight, and family support was minimal.  And the separation from my birth mother has caused me (and her) pain.  The love of my adoptive parents, as great as it was, doesn't make up for that loss.

Having said that, you need to do what you think is best.  I won't judge you.  What is most important, for your own peace of mind, is that you make up your own mind.  Don't let me, or anyone else on here, or anyone in real life make this decision for you.  If you give up your child because you feel others are making you, you'll regret it for the rest of your life.  If you keep your child because others are making you, you'll resent the child.  

Do you have a support system?  Family or friends that might be able to help you?  Or perhaps a relative that would be willing take the child in so that it is not completely separated from its family?  

Good luck.  I know it's a difficult situation.  But remember, above all else, it's YOUR decision.  No one else's.