Just because someone is family are you supposed to...?

Question

"deal" with them? My family is full of extremely judgmental and critical women and I don't like being around people like that. I don't deal with people like that outside of family, why should I tolerate it because it's family? They are just people after all. People who are judgmental and full of criticism about every little thing.

When I was going through depression, they did not support me and basically told me I was making excuses for my life being the way it was. I had a nervous breakdown, was suicidal and I was in the hospital and everything. I feel like, just because they are my blood shouldn't mean that I should have to deal with them or feel guilty about it (although I do for some reason). I have had strangers show me more support. I basically treat everyone the same now. If you are respectful and kind to me, I'm kind to you, and vice-versa. Whether you're family or not. My mother likes to say that I'm mean, but she hasn't experienced things the way I have experienced them. Does this make me a bad person, you think?

Answer 1

Omg. My parents are critical as well, I am not thin enough, my skin is too dark, my hair is ugly, I have bad vision, ugly feet etc I even went through a period where I was sad, and I just kept getting yelled at, and being called a wuss by my brother. :/ You arent a bad person. Go see a counsellor so you at least have sometone there to talk to, confide in your friends at least, or write about it. that may help :/

Answer 2

here's a basic rule of thumb I use:

if they are annoying then I limit my time with them and otherwise ignore the parts about them that I don't like (this is assuming they have some redeeming or positive enrichment to my life).

if they are toxic, unhealthy for me to be around or otherwise downright evil then I severely limit my exposure to them right on up to cutting them out of my life.

So, NO...you don't have to tolerate icky people because they are family.  But because they are family, you do your weeding a little differently than you would with people you aren't related to.  Only because you will most likely spend the rest of your or their life running into each other at family events and you don't want everytime you come into contact with them to be WW3--that's really unpleasant for everyone and results in you not being invited to family events that you may want to go to.

step 1:

you know what buttons of yours they push.  Change how you respond to them by accepting for who and what they are, flaws and all.  

Once you can do this, you will experience a type of freedom that I'm not sure I can describe.  It felt like a physical shift in perception,  weird.  It was like, a rush of oxygen hit my body, everything looked clearer, suddenly  I could understand the entire world and how everything fit together where my family was concerned and I found I didn't care what any of them thought about me and I could state my opinions without fearing how they would react.  Yeah, we disagree on a lot of stuff, but I state my opinions, they state thiers and if it looks like it's getting too heated we change the subject.

step 2:

decide if they have anything positive to contribute to your life.  Is there anything at all about them that you like and that makes up even a little bit for the things that you don't like about them.  Enjoy what you like about them, ignore what you don't like, but still allow enough room to be able to tell them when they are wrong or out of line with you.(this part is a balancing/juggling act)

step 3:

decide how much of their negativity you can take.  limit your time with them.  Change the subject, don't get drawn into any arguements with them.  If someone is unhealthy for you to be around it's alright to severly limit or eliminate that person from you life.

Answer 3

Humans are somewhat of an oddity in the animal world in that we maintain filial relationships for many years after the age we would normally be considered self-reliant.  

  This, coupled with our sentience and free will, can cause many problems.  

  I would say that you are your own person and you don't 'have' to deal with them but also that they are your family, they may be worth a little more work.  

  If the women in your family are very critical and overbearing, they may see it as being strong.  The strong often respond better to strength - you can assert yourself rationally and without aggression - keep eye contact and tell the truth.  

  If you feel that your path leads away from them there is no shame in that, you must gauge your potential loss against your potential gains in any situation such as this.

I hope your situation improves whether through your actions or not.

Pax,

Ape.

Answer 4

No you should tell them how you feel

Answer 5

you don't have to include them in your life. Make it for yourself, and one day they'll wish they were part of it. i know someone too well who has a situation that parallels yours to the last detail. shes a model now and she always talks about how bad it is to be judgemental. i mean she LECTURES me lol... but i feel her on dat tho