Just curious to those who have been adopted...?

Question

Did you ever have interest in meeting your biological parents? If so, have you met them?

I'm just curious because my boyfriend doesn't know his birth father, his mom got pregnant when she was very young. She then got married a couple years later and my boyfriend was adopted by the man she married. He is completly content not knowing his birth father, but I always wonder why he doesn't want to know. I would never push him or anything, I just wonder why he wouldn't want to at least meet him and let him know he technically has a granddaughter. We know his birth fathers name and that he still lives locally, but he just doesn't care to meet him. Like I said, I respect his decision but just would like some insight on why people feel that way.

Answer 1

Well I have never had the desire to meet my birthparents. I have always felt content and comfortable with my adoption. I really see no need to seek them out, they aren’t my family, and they aren’t my parents, when I have children they certainly aren’t going to be my children’s grandparents.

Clearly for now your boyfriend is content that could always change.   Why don’t you ask him why he has no desire to meet his birthfather?

Answer 2

well mabye because hes mad at him for not wanting him thats why i dont wana meet my real dad

Answer 3

i was curious , but just to see what my birth mother looked like really, i met her last year, but i have met her only 3 or four times, i dont really want much to do with her as i dont feel like she is part of my life! i have a great mum and dad who brought me up from a baby and two lovely brothers who are also adopted! i am glad i met her coz i have some questions answered and now know what she looks like, but thats really all i wanted from it, i understand how your boyfriend feels, as far as he is conserned the man who adopted him is his father and he does not feel the need to find his birth father for that reason!

Answer 4

I have found my birth family.  I was just more curious about the health aspects of my family because I didn't have any info.to give to my doc's when asked about my medical history.  

At first I chose not to wanting to never know, to wanting to know.  I seesawed on the whole idea for years.  Then finally I sent a letter out to what I was hoping was my birth family.  I had to take into account that a.) they probably never knew I existed, b.) if there were any issues, I could be the catalyst and bring them together.  Boy was I was wrong.  The uncle that I sent  the letter too, called his brother (my other uncle) who then forwarded my info to his sister (my birth mother).  

I have an incredible relationship with my uncle....I don't speak to the one I sent the letter to because he really has nothing to do with the family...and my birth mother...well let's put it this way, I wish I never contacted her.  I have never met a woman who was so proud to of finally speak to me and call me her daughter, and use me and my family for her gratification.  She would only call every two months or so and expect me to open up to this woman.  She was angered when I didn't call her on Mother's Day.  I told her that I didn't think I should of called her because she only housed me, not raise me.  She was mad.  I still can't call her mom and she wants me to acknowledge her on Mother's Day??  I have severed all ties with her and better for it and my family.  

So, I guess people are afraid of rejection when they older.  They may think that that person rejected me once, I am not going to give them the satisifaction of a second time.  Plus, if your boyfriend is completely content with call his step-father his dad, then why mess with a good thing.  And, if you boyfriend ever did meet his biological father, you need to consider how his mom would feel after all of these years, that he has contact with a man who decided to split when she was pregnant.  She might feel, and so would the step-father, betrayed.  

Maybe, one day, when and if he is ready, he will want some sort of contact.  Like, if you both get married and have children of your own, then you might want to include him.  But other than that, you are great for respecting his decision, and consider all of the feelings that would be involved in that.  It is heavy on the heart.

Answer 5

yes I was adopted.  My 3 siblings are also adopted from different backfgrounds as well.  I was the only one that wanted to find out about my background.  I was 18 when that info became available to me and I met my bio parents and bio family.  I was the result of a new years eve party back in 1971 between a 15 yr old girl and her best friends 19 year old older brother.  I learned all that I could health wise, and background wise.  We were friends for awile, but then my bio mother wanted to become my "mom" and I couldn't handle that.  I already have a mom.  I kept contact with my bio father for about 7 years.  Then he got all drunk and freaked out on cocaine one night that he hit on me.  How creepy is that?  I left immediately and never looked back.  I count my blessings everyday that I am adopted!!!!!!!!  I am glad I found out the information, but honestly wished I didn't open up Pandora's box.

Answer 6

you know, i have a neice who was adopted.  when she found out  that my sister had given her up.  when my sister wanted to get to know her. my neice refused. my neice told her she had no business wanting to know her, because she had no business giving her away in the first place.  even though my neice did not know the reason why my sister did what she did.  bu now my sister really regrets it cause her own daughter rejected her. so some things should be left untold. in my opinoin to prevent heartbreaks later in life.

Answer 7

Many times the pain of losing a parent is so much to bear, we can only cope by denying the desire to know. There is ofter a sense of rejection or anger, and it's easier to just pretend that there is no reason to ever allow that parent the chance to hurt us again.

Often men are less interested in reunion than females and maybe that has to do with how we process emotions differently.

You are right to not push the issue, but for your own understanding you may find Nancy Verriers book Primal Wound helpful in understanding what it feels like to lose a parent.

Answer 8

when i was younger i sorta hated my parents if i had some. the thing is sometimes you dont' know if yu are with parents that split or if you were with young people that drifted apart never got married. but anyhow i found out many years later that i had parents and two sisters. they got rid of me when i was born nearly day and i went to be with my grandma. she tried to raise me but she had 4 kids and had cancer 2 times. it was hard on her and then she saw how the two other girls were treated by the step mom. she used to beat them and were mean to them she finally got her borther and wife to adopte me i was about 6 mos when i left and went witht hem. it was a good decision. i had a very good life. but they told me i was adopted from the start but i never dreamed i was relatied to one of them. so when i grew up and decided hey maybe its time to check this out of caorse i couldn't go to folks cause they were old setin their ways and then i fount out their life style my folks (adotped) thought of them being horrible the way they lived low lives etc. so anyhow when i foudn out nearly when my dad was dying of cancer i got to talke to him and i had picturesof him by then and got stuff from my oldest sister it was good. no didn't meet them mom died when she was 61 in 91 in banning calif. my dad died in 89 but i talked tohim several times and recieved letters from him till he died. i did write him big letter and told him how iw as raised and i was fine. i also knew by this time that my step mom was very mean and i told her i knew.  ilet her have it although it really didn't matter cause she does't care she now has 3 kids of her own and they are 10 years younger then me and they are drunks and treat her badly so shes getting hers but yes it was important i suggest to you if you get the chance even i fyou dont' want to meet them at least talk on phone its great its funny you dont' have any feelings for these people that brought you into this world its a weird feeling but normal. take care.

Answer 9

I was adopted and so was my brother and sister, from different birth parents. I always wanted to know who my birth parents were, but siblings still don't want to know. I have since been reunited with my birth mother and 2 half brothers and we are still in contact and growing our relationship.

For some, it is the fear of rejection (that's how alot of us feel) and the fear of the unknown. Our families as we know are what we know. Not all families are perfect, but it is safe because we know it.

It is possible that the father doesn't know about the son or the circumstances. My birth father didn't know about me until 2 years ago and I'm 41.

Even if all are reunited the relationships don't always work out. There may have been secrecy surrounding the birth or an unhealthy environment. The bond is not there so it's basically like befriending strangers and it takes alot of work from all parties.

If you are seeking medical info for future issues and children's sake, ask your boyfriend if he would mind if you contacted his father for that info and then leave it at that.

Answer 10

i searched for, found, know and love my first parents.

Answer 11

I was adopted at birth and Yes, I would like to know who my bio parents are.

It does not eat at me but I am very curious. Perhaps he truely is content not knowing but maybe someday he will want to know.

It is will within his right to know as well. Medically, he might reconsider his opinion as well.

Answer 12

being adopted myself I think you come to a peace that there is a reason for everything.  I looked for mine and by accident found my adoptive brother's birth mom and she is crazy and unhealthy and that's when I stopped looking for mine.  I love my adoptive parents and I'm content with who I am - they are the parents that loved me and took care of me and out of respect for them and myself I'm content.  One day that might change and I might go looking again.  Respect what he wants he is the one who has lived it and some day he might want to find him and then be supportive and help him.

Answer 13

I think it can be quite different for adoptees that actually stay with their mother's - and then are adopted by a step-parent later.

Your boyfriend already knows his history - where he comes from  etc - and probably even has pictures - so a lot of the curiosity would be taken out of the equation.

Also - many male adoptees don't do the whole search thing.

It's completely a personal thing - and what feels right to one person can feel wrong to another.

If he is young - he also may change his mind later in life.

Many many adoptees I know didn't start searching until their late 30's - or even later.

There are so many factors involved.

There is no right or wrong answer.

It's just how it feels to the individual.

Answer 14

I am adopted.  From the time I found out I was adopted, I had a burning desire to meet my birthmother (I knew my birthfather was dead).  It became an obsession with me and finally I did meet my birthmother. She and I have a good relationship, tho she will never be my mom. She is more like a good friend. I also have 2 little sisters and I do have a good relationship with them. I love having siblings!!

I have a friend who is also adopted who never had a desire to meet her biological family. She says she has a family and dosen't need another, but if her birth family ever looked her up she might meet them once just to be nice and so they could see she is ok.

Your boyfriend may just be content with the father who raised him and not feel a need for another, or he might be scared of rejection by his birth father.  

Mindi

Answer 15

hi i am adopted. he maybe doesnt want to talk about adoption bc it is a tough subject. he may not want to know his birth father because it is very scarry. you dont know how the father will react...will he be happy...angry...annoyed. sometimes it feels better to just imagine.

Answer 16

Well here's my situation...

I'm 32, but didn't find out I was adpoted until I was 25. And before you ask, no there was no way I could have known, I look exactly like the parents who adopted me. But I found out 3 days after I buried my grandmother, who was like my everything. I found the legal name change docs and adoption certificate. When I asked my mother she completely denied everything, until I showed her the paperwork. OMG!! She flipped out! She started crying and apologizing, she said that she and my father thought it would be best if I didn't know.

It took me a couple of years, but I finally got my real birth certificate and my bio-moms name, age and race. I was also told by one of my aunt's that she was once told by my father that my bio-parents were both students at the Univ. of AL in 1975. She was White and 18, he was Black and 19, and in a city and state where George Wallace stood at the front doors of the school and proclaimed "SEGREGATION FOREVER" an interracial child was not going to work. Finally through a series of events tracked down my bio-mother and called her up. We talked off and on for about 3 to 4 months, but she made it very clear that her current husband was "old school" and an ex-sherrif in AL. That pretty much meant that he hates Black people, and she never told him. I also have a half sister who is at the Univ. of AL that I'll never know. I haven't spoken with her since I told her that I was about to be a father, and that was more than a year ago. You have to understand that this is a major step for someone to take. In retrospect I almost wish I would have never contacted her. But support your boyfriend whatever he decides. I mean unless you are anadoptee, you couldn't understand how hard this is to deal with.

Answer 17

its possible that he might feel that the biological dad wasnt interested in meeting him since you say he lives locally.. maybe at this point he feels the man had enough chances to reach out as a father and it's not his job to go looking for him now.

It's also possible that he is completely secure in his relationship with his "real dad", the one who raised him.. so has no wish for anything else.

Answer 18

Yes, I was an adopted child. Some people cannot "handle" hearing something they think might upset them. I called the agency that I was adopted from after I got married and asked them to pull my files from storage. They called me when the file was retrieved and they asked me what and why I wanted to know certain things. I told them the truth...that my parents had lied to me about why I was adopted (facts I just figured out on my own) and that I mainly wanted to know if there were any really bad hereditary problems that could have been passed down to me. This information was important to me because it was going to affect whether or not I had a child with my husband. If cancer ran strongly in my family or a lot of other uncurable diseases, I might not have had a child. But almost everything they told me was relatively minor health conditions, so I was okay with that. Then they asked if I wanted to meet my birth mother. I said, "well, yes, that it would be nice to meet her, but only if she feels comfortable doing this." Strangely enough, she still lived in the same house, had the same phone number, and was overjoyed that she was finally going to meet me. So a meeting was arranged at the adoption center (even my grandmother came) and we sat and talked for a couple of hours. I continued to contact her for about five years or so, and then some things happened in their family that really upset my grandmother and because my grandmother was upset, she didn't realize just how blunt she sounded and when I asked to speak to my "Mother," she told me that she had just lost a grandson and that now was not the best time. I can't begin to tell you how that hurt me after having had regular visits for about two or three years because I, too, was at one time, her oldest grandchild. So, to protect my feelings, I don't call there anymore (I believe my grandmother has since passed away), but I don't want to subject myself to the possibility of anymore hurt. I understood that my Mother was furious when my grandmother wouldn't tell my Mother that I was on the phone because my Mother called me back and left a message on my answering machine, apologizing profusely for the actions of grandmother at that time. I really haven't gotten over that rejection from my grandmother and I felt that it might be in my best interest to cut-off all ties t that point. I know it is not what my birthmother wanted, but I had to protect my own feelings, plus I felt somewhat uncomfortable when I was asked to appear at a few family gatherings. I didn't belong there. I had a new family that loved me unconditionally (they are all deceased now) and I wanted to remember the good times I had with my family and not have to ever worry about any other "former family members" ever making me feel as if I were on display, all my actions were being judged and it was just easier to go own with the life I had always known. I was thankful that I was able to meet my birthmother and for the few years we together, but I just felt more comfortable in the privileged life I grew up in. But I don't regret ever having sought her out. My father was a rich, stuck-up young man that wasn't ready to settle down with a family and he was killed in an airplane crash when I was about two years old, so it was no big thing not having  had a chance to meet someone who never wanted me.

There are many reasons why your husband may not want to bring up the past. Many people are content with who they are now and what was a part of their past. It is kind of hard going back in life, I will say that much, although I don't really regret it. What I regret most is that I was treated like an "outsider" one time and that was just too much to endure. I only want to go forward with my life now. So after my only child was born, I sent my birthmother a few pictures of her only grandchild.

Answer 19

I always wanted to find my first parents, and did at 23.

I will forever be glad that I did, even though things may not be rosy between my first mom and me right now, I did find that I have a full brother, a half sister, a grandmother, and many aunts and cousins who have been wonderful.  I found not just my first parents, but my FAMILY.

Until you can look into another person's face and see yourself in it, you just don't know what feeling whole really is.  And knowing the truth, the truth about my conception, my birth, and my adoption, is priceless.

I would go through all the bad stuff over and over again because for me, it was just worth it.