Just feel lost... :(?

Question

are birthmothers not entilted to have that name...since they carried child for nine months.....and made a choice that will forever change eveyones life? So conflicted at this point...especially since all the post from adoptees about how bad adoption is...what is a person to feel who has given up their child...and yes they will always be mom...but the child also has the mother that loves,feeds,gives knowledge,sercurity etc to the child....how do you deal with the aftermath...when you think about the day the child may look for you....knowing that you felt you made the right choice in the end...or you had an agency "BULLY"you into signing papers that should have never been signed in the first place...pls....no smart answers...I just really want to know

Answer 1

A birthmother is just that the birthmother mother, the woman that gave birth to the child.  The Mom is the one raising the child and caring for the child.  I feel that for many birthmothers it is a very hard decision and they do always wonder about their baby but they just hope they made the right decision.  For some though they really didn't want the baby in the first place so it is easy decision for them.  I have many adopted cousins and most of them came from birthmothers who didn't care about them at all but some had birthmothers who for different reasons just couldn't care for the child themselves and they have open adoptions she they know their baby is ok.

Answer 2

thank GOD for adoption cause where would I be without my adoptive parents... OR my bio parents.....

Answer 3

You're a mom / mother. No one can take that away. I would think that most AP's would embrace the woman that gave them what they so desperatly wanted but could never have it if it weren't for us. The child has 2 sets of parents. They are both real. One isn't more important than the other, they have different roles. We don't feel guilty about multiple grandparents, siblings, aunts, and uncles, this shouldn't be so difficult.

There are alot of wonderful, enlightened AP's, PAP's, and adoptees. They are very caring and protective of us. Then their our some who are in a different place in their lives and they want to put us down, I think it's so they can feel better about themselves. They are angry and feel like they were abandoned. Some actually were. I can understand why they would lump us together and just hate us all, but when they've heard our stories, hopefully it will make them understand what we've been through and know that MOST women who relinquished didn't want to.

You are not alone. I know the hurt. It will always hurt, sometimes more times than others.

Best wishes.

Answer 4

if they bullied you into it you should take them to court no one has the right to do that, you went through the pain of having the child and a baby is more connected to the real mother than it will ever be to the adopted parents,there are also too many horror stories about adoption, and the adopting parents caring for them--if they actually do, and then kicking them out as soon as they turn 18 or younger.

Answer 5

I'm not sure if entitlement is the right word for it i would say more privileged because i am a said birth mother. The situation financially and lack of a father for her was something i did not want her to be put threw. My mom was a single parent and a great one at that but she has hardships and struggles and she always told me she wished i had a father. So when i first saw my beautiful little baby i saw myself in that child and of what she would have to go threw and she deserved better. There is not a day that goes by that i do not think about her look at her picture and wishing she knows just how much i love her. I have an open adoption and i see her on the weekends but even though she knows who i am its not the same. I will never be her mommy and my biggest fear is that she wont understand my reasons for making this decision and she'll hate me for it. I have to live each day with the loss of what I'm not and that's mommy but i really do think a birth mom is a woman who gave a child a life protected her/him for 9 months. I'm not able to raise her but i gave her life to a wonderful woman that could and in my heart that's good enough for me.

Answer 6

A mother is a mother is a mother, whether by blood or adoption.

You are a mother.

Answer 7

I don't know exactly what you are feeling.  And I don't know what another adoptee might be feeling...

As much as I struggle (and have struggled) with adoption, I was never upset with my first mom.  I'm not angry with her.  I know she did what she thought was right.  (And I have since come to find out that she was basically forced to give me up, and that she did regret giving me up nearly every day after she did it.)  She did the only thing she thought she could do.

Do I sometimes wish she hadn't?  Yes.  Do I hold that against her?  No.

(Incidentally, because some on this board are always looking for slights against APs...  I never held it against my adoptive parents, either.  I love them, and they did the best for me they knew how.)

When I went looking for her, I knew who my mom was.  It was my adoptive mom.  She wasn't always around.  She didn't have as much involvement in my growing-up as either she or I would have liked.  But I knew she loved me, and I loved her.  I wasn't looking for a mom.  I wasn't sure what I was looking for, but it wasn't a mom.

But for me, that's what I found.  I found my mom.  (My "other" mom, if you prefer.)  The day I met her, I knew I had a love for this woman that is the love between child and mother.  

It's not my fault I have two moms.  It's not my fault I love two moms.  But I won't deny that I have two moms just because some people believe you can only have one, or that there is a specific set of things someone has to do to count as a mom.  I know that both of them love me very much, and would do pretty much anything for me.  And I love them both.  

I don't like adoption.  I don't like what it is, and I don't like how it's viewed by society.  I think it creates problems, and often more than it solves.  But the problems it solves are big, glaring problems.  The problems it creates are often subtle, and deep.  I don't like adoption.  But I don't say that because I want adoptive parents or first parents to feel bad about it.  And I don't want people to feel sorry for me.  I just want a more honest view of what we're doing to people when use adoption.  But that's a different thing than wanting those involved to feel badly about that.  

Other adoptees that I love and respect feel differently about much (and maybe all) of what I've said here.  That's okay by me.  I don't need someone to agree with me.  And I'm not trying to make anyone feel badly about themselves or their choices.  I just want some honesty in what adoption really is.  (And that, for those who haven't heard me say it before, is that adoption is a complicated proposition that involves a significant loss for the child.)

Answer 8

Speaking as an adoptive mom,  my family would not be complete without our Birth mother.  She is now a part of our family and our bond is so close.  Providing a loving home to your baby and giving them an opportunity is great.  Completing the family of someone who really wants to be a parent but can't  makes you a saint.  You are brave and what you have done is the most loving selfless thing anyone could ever do.  I hope the adoption was open so that you can follow up with the adopted mom or agency for reassurance.