Just found out that my husband has a 9yr. Daughter?

Question

Me & my husband have been together for 13yrs. 10yrs ago we took a break for 5mths. During that period we were both dating other people. We just found out that the girl he was dating has a 9yr old, that is most likely his, we are waiting for the paternity test. I have been very supportive however this does not fit into our life plan. I think he should do the right thing I support that. The problem is that this women has said she doesn't want me around the kid!!!! My husband has said give her some time. I think he needs to set down the boundries and tell her that I will be involved period. There has not been any visits yet, they do live 5hrs away. My thinking is how is this going to work if I am not involved? The thought of this possibly being the end of us has crossed my mine. The thought that this women actually wants him for herself has crossed my mind as well. They have both said they would like to do this out of court. I am going to school full time as well as work & at the end of the month we barely have money for ourselves. The other biggie is that I actually think his mother knew or suspected it, she kept in contact with this lady!!! Do run or put my foot down and be involved?

Answer 1

No - you do not have a RIGHT to be involved... That's not your kid at all.

Your husband is right. You need to calm down and give this other lady some time to realize that you will be around because the father lives with you and you are his wife of course.

His mom probably did know. Talk to her about it if you want. It seems like maybe she was trying to keep a connection with her grandchild while also looking out for her son's relationship.

And - If this lady wanted your husband so badly do you really think you would be finding out 10 years later that she was pregnant and had his child? Thats ridiculous. You didn't say whether or not you had children but don't you think she knows she would have had a better chance keeping him if she had told him? Give her a break. Seems like a difficult situation. She got pregnant by a married man who went back to his wife...

The relationship that needs to be built betweeen this girl and her dad is more important than your life plan or your feelings. YOu have to realize that. And you need to figure out if you can continue the marriage. If not, step away.  

Answer 2

Wow - first I apologize on your husbands behalf for this mess.  He is responsible.  How the h**l can you get some one pregnant in just a 5 month break?  That's ridiculous if you ask me.  Doesn't seem like he thought too much about you in any of this.

Unfortunately, I can understand where the women is coming from to an extent.  She doesn't know you at all and has no idea as to what kind of person you are.  If you were in her shoes you would probably feel the same way.  

With that said - I don't think the situation is right.  Your husband can't possibly have visitation with his daughter and not have you involved in some way.  How is the girl supposed to visit at your home without you involved?

You may be right that this women has malicious thoughts - but at this point you can't prove them.  You can ask your husbands mother if she has been aware of this the whole time, but it will probably only make you more angry if she did know.

In the end - you have to step back and look at your relationship.  You need to decide if your marriage is strong enough to withstand something like this and how much you are willing to support him.  It may take a while before this settle's down.

For me, I would have a hard time dealing with the fact that my husband had no problem having unprotected s*x with a women he was only dating for 5 months - while we were taking a break.

Answer 3

I agree with Olivia's answer- this situation needs to be about the little girl, NOT you or your husband, or the girl's mother. I seriously doubt that the girl's mother wants your husband for herself now- it think it's much more likely that she wants him to pay the child support he is required to by law, and is willing to go to any lengths to make him do this. He probably makes far more money than she does, and since you and he do not have kids, he has fewer bills to pay. Someday, that little girl is going to want to go to college, and the time to start saving for it is NOW, not later- and her mother knows this. She is actually wise to make your husband live up to his legal responsibilities, which he has had since his daughter was concieved.  She doesn't even know you, so why would you assume she resents your presence in her ex's life? What needs to happen is that your husband needs to contact this woman, explain that he is married to you, and that while he would welcome a relationship with his daughter, it needs to be with the understanding that she will have contact with you, because you are his legal spouse at the moment. If the girl's mother can't live with that, then it might be wise for him to consider taking her to court and working out a settlement and visitation rights.  

As for the little girl's supposedly " not fitting in to your life plan", let me ask you, just what did you expect when you and your husband took your " holiday" from each other and saw other people? Were you expecting him to live like a monk or a priest, pal? Somehow, I hardly think so. If he wanted to date or sleep with other people during that time, it was his right to do so- after all, YOU weren't in his life then, so you are hardly in a position to complain about the result of that time, are you. You need to set aside your selfishness and think of your husband's child- a child who has EVERY RIGHT to know her father as she grows up, and who also is entitled to decent treatment and respect from you. Whether or not your mother in law knew about her granddaughter's birth is irrelevant right now. It happened, it's done with, and you need to get past that. Was she wrong to keep this a secret? Probably- but again, it's past history. What matters now is her son's relationship with his daughter- and more importantly, HER relationship with her granddaughter, whom she also has every right to know.

I know you feel left out here- and I can't blame you, but you need to realize that this whole situation isn't about you any more. There is another person involved here- one who has little or no say in what happens to her. No 9 year old is ever allowed to make decisions for him or herself- that is always done by the adults around him or her. If you want to be your stepdaughter's friend, reach out to her and welcome her- without strings attached.

Enough said.  

Answer 4

This little girl is the most important person in this situation. She's going to meet her father and try to have a relationship with him for the very first time in her life. She's always wondered about him, and this whole situation is going to be very strange for her. I can understand that her mother wants to make this as uncomplicated as possible. This woman presumably doesn't know you - so her feelings aren't personal. If your husband didn't know he even had this daughter, then this woman hasn't seen him in ten years.. so how could she want him for herself?

Things happen which don't fit into your life plans. Let your husband start to form a relationship with his daughter, and then introduce yourself to the situation. It's should be about this little girl, not anyone's marriages or ulterior motives.  

Answer 5

I think you should just step aside for a bit, as it is his daughter, not yours. Let them get to know each other first.  

Answer 6

why after 9 years is she surfacing.. did she run out of daddy prospects?  Honestly after not knowing this man for all her life the little girl may not want to see him and she has that right.  With them living 5 hours away and you both being strangers to this little girl I don't know if I would allow visitation for quite some time after supervised visitation ( nothing against you or your husband ) .. as far as support if it comes up that he is the father I do feel he is financially responsible for her but beware the courts can come after him for 9 years of back child support!

You both took a vow to one another and this is your test... you need to be there for him I know you are angry at what is going on BUT let the law handle it and take things one step at a time.. don't worry about next week today.

good luck

Answer 7

This woman is definately out of line - and you have every right to be suspicious.  If she wants to settle out of court, then she has to agree to your involvement with the child.  Your husband needs to put his foot down about this - and if he does not go to bat for you then you should run like the wind.  If she refuses to cooperate, then your husband can take her to court for visitation rights.  

There is more to the story.  Your mother-in-law harboring this secret is completely unacceptable.  I would wonder if your husband has known all along.  Get to the bottom of it.

Answer 8

your husband has rights hear unfortunately you don't but he should do the right thing by you too and that would mean that he needs to tell her that you are in his life and so you will be in the child's life too end of story.

Good luck