Just how does a child cope with so well after being put up for adoption?

Question

This just might sound strange. But my grandson that was put up for adoption without my son's consent is spending the month of July with his father and the rest of the family. My son stopped the adoption and is still fighting to bring his son home to be with his sister and my son. My son went to pick him up 3 states away and the child has adjusted perfect. He's 3 and never crys for the couple in fact when my son calls the couple so they can talk to the little boy. the child calls them by their first names and never crys to go home or anything. This is so strange to us because all of our other grandchildren would have been upset if kept away from their parents for over a week. I know I shouldn't be complaining for this is weird. It's going to kill my son to have to return him at the end of July. My son is just waiting for the court of appeals to over turn the custody to him since the jury couldn't find him unfit. The baby calls my son dad and get's along with his sister perfit.

Answer 1

Dear Sam,

I am so GLAD that your son his getting to spend this time with his child. I hope with all my heart that your family restored fully.

Children are not stupid nor are they trained seals. I am quite sure the bond you see is au natural and very genuine. Biology is stronger than many people give it credit for.

Hopefully the APs have been preparing for the possibility that your son will regain custody and have made some attempt to prepare your grandson as well as themselves. This may be where the 1st name thing comes from. IDK.

I would suggest that you document this behavior - FREQUENTLY while he is with your son this month. It may be beneficial in the future.

Answer 2

Small children are adaptable. It becomes harder for them the older they get. It may be that he has never had the chance to bond with anyone.....therefore he can't miss what he has never had.

Answer 3

That's wonderful that your son seems to be suceeding in getting his child back.  I really can't tell you exactly what's going on with your grandson emotionally.  I do know that, although there are permanant consequences to being separated from biological parents and I'm sure your grandson does sense his deep connection to your son, children DO usually attach to other caretakers.  It could be that something unusual happened in this other family to prevent that attachment with them.  Or, maybe you just aren't seeing the full reaction yet to what this little boy has been through.  He may be in a "honeymooning" phase and not grieving for them yet.  It may yet be a long road in this transition, even though you know it's the best thing long term.  I hope everything is settled soon and that your family can move on with life with this little boy with you where he belongs.

Answer 4

Children adapt as a matter of survival.  It doesn't make it healthy or right but adoptees are some of the strongest people I know - they withstand losses that many others would never cope with, and the usually do it alone without recognition or validation of their loss.

Your grandbaby will forget all about the adopters - just as Baby Jessica did.  So happy baby is with his family :)

Answer 5

I don't think I ever attached to my adopters either.

I always wished my friends' mothers could be my mother.

Answer 6

A dear friend of mine was pregnant, her husband left her, and she was on disability from the Army.  When her son was born she lived with her parents and soon after moved but left her son with her parents.  They raised him for almost 4 years then a court battle came.  She wanted her son back but the grandparents raised him.  When they realized she would get her son back they started "prepping" him, like your mommy loves you, be good to your mommy, don't worry you will be back soon to visit, etc. etc.  

The first few weeks were fine, she had remarried and had two other little boys so they all played together.  But then she realized he was withdrawn and she realized he missed his grandparents.  He did not cry for them, did not ask to go home, she would just sit back and watch him and could see it.  She now lives only about 5 miles from them and they share custody.  

Maybe in your joy of having your grandson you are missing the sadness also.  Kids love playing with other kids, maybe his AP have told him that his daddy loves him, that they love him, that he is going for a visit but will come home.  The truth is if he does not seem that sad then they have raised a very secure little boy.  You never know what what said on either side.  

I do hope the whole issue is resolved and that you son is able to get his little boy back since he never wanted to let him go, but please do not severe the commitment that this family gave your grandson and please keep communication open after you little one comes back.

Answer 7

You are right this is not normal behavior, and there is a good chance your grandson has attachment difficulties if he is not missing anyone and appears quite ambivalent. If your son is successful in regaining full custody, I suggest you get help / advice / support. There are a lot of very simple day to day strategies, but he needs to learn to get in touch with his emotions and express them. Good luck!

Answer 8

I'm glad to hear that your son is getting visitation and that his child will be with his natural family.   The only thing that will be confusing to the child is the AP's only looking out for their best interest and not the child's and try to drag it out in court. Fortunately, he's young enough where they will only be a blip in his memory if even that.  I'm glad to hear one less child will not be traumatized by being adopted. Good work grandma. Your grandson has adjusted because he feels and knows he's at "home".

The adoption society doesn't give children enough credit. They do have "instincts".

Edit: Your grandson doesn't need therapy at this point. The love he'll receive from you and his father will correct any issue caused by this ordeal. Watch how fast he bonds when he's home for good.    Also, if the Ap's try to drag it out, I would see if your attorney is willing to sue them for attorney's fee's and missed work.

Answer 9

I am so sorry that your son and grandson have had to go through this.  Father's rights are so ignored and abused.  Hopefully it will all work out for the best.

As far as the child calling the aparents by their first names though, they had to have learned that from someone one.  They may have started doing this prior to leaving the home, because most kids around that age do that, even biological kids.  For them to keep that up while staying with your son, it's probably because they are not being corrected when they do that.  I don't blame you for not correcting them though.  

Good luck to you all, especially that little boy.

ETA:  You are speaking of a couple who has been fighting your son, this child's natural father, who had his rights completely ignored.  Not to be rude, but is it really all that difficult to understand why there may be problems with the child and the aparents?  If they are as cold to this child, as they are to your son, it's no wonder the child isn't screaming to go 'home'.

OR, maybe the aparents have done a good job with teaching him that he has room in his heart for more people.

Does this mean that all adopted kids would feel this way if removed from the home after 3 years?  Not a chance.

Answer 10

You and I are in the same situation.  My son lost his son to an adoption that he was unaware of and did not consent to.  I feel so  bad for these men.  They are treated as if they don't exist and then treated badly if they  try to  be a father to their own children.

To answer the second part of your question.  My son and I were able to meet with the adoptive parents and my son's son under the supervision of the adoption agency.  We spent approximately 2 hrs with the little boy.  The little boy and my son had a connection the moment that they met.  When everyone was leaving the little boy went to my son to be picked up as if he expected to leave with him.   I think that there is definitely some kind of biological connection that I can not explain.  

It sounds to me that your grandson should be with his daddy for good.  What is wrong with the courts?