Just wondering if someone can help me with this one?

Question

when signing the adoption papers, we are all in agreement that it will be "open" and all the promises made. then clearly there is a relationship and contact with the child and then when she is almost 18 months old, i'm told i can't see her anymore.... why don't i and others like me have any legal recourse. or do i?

Answer 1

Most couples who adopt will tell you anything you want to hear just to get your child. Why would they want you to be in their child's life. This couple are wrong you and god gave them this gif and they should want their child to know you. This makes me sad when I read things like this the agancies and couple are just trying to make a family and your in the way. They know if you fight themit's going to cost a lot of money for lawyers and after years in court you might get visitation. For now write yout child letters and tell them what is happening and keep copys when your child gets old enought around teenage years to handle this sent them to her and let her see what has happened. Good luck with this but you need to understand most couples who can't have child will tell you what ever they want to get your child.

Answer 2

I am so so sorry, Red.  Although many of the people here on Y!A have tried to explain to mothers considering open adoption that these agreements are not honored 80% of the time, the message doesn't reach everyone.  

This is not to say that you don't have recourse.  Please do contact a lawyer and use the links below to help you.

Since I don't know where you live or the nature of your open agreement, all I can do is provide some links that may help you.  A lawyer will be familiar with the current law (or the law at the time of your agreement).

My heart goes out to you and your daughter.  I hope things will work out for the benefit of all - most especially for your daughter.

http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/l...

http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/l...

http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/l...

Answer 3

Because, you're giving the child up? I mean when you give your child to someone else, isn't that like you saying, "I don't want her, you can have her."??? And, I'm thinking, that maybe those folks think it'll be hard or weird to the child, (2 mommys)that is why they don't want you seeing her after she is 18 months. Why are you giving her away if you still want to be able to see her? They probably think you are a bad influence, seeing all you don't want her. I'm sure you have "certain circumstances" but, how does a person carry a baby for 9 months and then just, not want her? She is a part of you! If you didn't want her, you do know how babies are made, right? I'm sorry to sound so mean, but, I just don't understand women like you.

Answer 4

Did a lawyer draw up the agreement?  If so, contact that person.  I'm sure you probably do have recourse, but, not being a lawyer, I don't know exactly what it is.

Answer 5

i dont know without all the facts,open contract?promises made?

the age at time of adoption?,

everbody has a legal recourse, you will to look at papers closely

try and find a friend whe knows a little about law.

good luck and god bless.

Answer 6

If you have legal papers stating that you are to have some type of relationship with this child, you should see a lawyer unless you have done something that is in violation of the agreement.  Good luck.

Answer 7

Who told you that you are no longer able to see her?  Have you talked to the social workers that helped with her placement??  That doesn't sound right to me.

Answer 8

Unfortunatly there is no real legal recource.  I have had the same thing happen, except we agreed that I would wait 6 months before seeing him for the first time.  I agreed, thinking it would be best for me, to give me time to heal.  But she never let me see him.  I do get a picture or two once a year.  For me, that is enough.  I could nothing.  Be patient.  The parents will come around one day.  It just might not be as soon as we hope.  But rest assured, the amom is doing what she feels is best for the child.  She loves the child very much, and may be fearful that your getting to close and she may loose him.  Just give her time!

Good luck, and God Bless!!

Answer 9

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling, but I have to disagree with some things.  you cannot ask them to pay for your hotel room.  Most times the adopting parents will pay for your hospitl bill, but I don't think they have to.  It's usually their choice to do it and I believe most do just out of courtesy.  I considered adoption when I was pregnant and even talked to lawyers about all of my options.  We talked about open adoptions and I was WARNED about the outcomes of Open Adoptions.  That is why I didn't go through with it.  

However, you did dign a legal agreement so you need to go to the lawyer that wrote the agreement up.  When going through the adoption process, lawyers on both sides go through your rights and the adopting parents rights with a fine tooth comb just so everyone is in an understanding and they explain everything thouroghly.  You were told all of your rights as well as theirs for reasons just like what you are going through right now.  People take things to court saying they didn't understand what they were signing etc. to have the adoption reversed.  So believe me....it's all in the paperwork you signed.  You need to go back and check your paperwork to make sure you understand your rights.

Good Luck and I hope everything that happens is what is best for the child becaus ethat's the whole reason this all started, because you wanted what was best for her right?

Answer 10

You have whatever rights you secured when you signed the papers. You could have chosen not to sign or even to alter the agreement. Most people feel they have to accept the offer on the paper or not accept the offer on the paper but, you and the other parties to the agreement can change that agreement before signing it.

After the fact you do not have the leverage of the child with which to secure your desired position. However, it is usually in the best interests of the child not to have to deal with a pseudo-parent at a young age.

Answer 11

Please go to

origins-usa.org

and

adoptioncrossroads.org

They might offer some good advice.  I'm so sorry, Red.

Answer 12

My heart goes out to you.  I cannot imagine making an agreement such as this and not keeping it.  In fact, we were willing to keep our open adoption agreement, and it was the birth parents who chose not to participate.  It was difficult for us to accept - but not nearly what you are experiencing.  We are blessed to have our son's bio-grandparents involved in his life on a regular basis.

Unfortunately, your recourse is probably going to depend on the agency that processed the adoption or your state laws.  We were all told when we were signing the papers (birth parents included) that although we were committing to an open adoption, that most courts would not uphold the paperwork (something I still find ridiculous - even as an adoptive mother - to me it is a contract so why not uphold it unless the child is truly in danger).  Our agency said that failure to abide by the openness would result in the addresses being provided to the opposite party.   Well, our son's birth parents separated and both moved out of state - so there are no addresses.  

I agree that you should have some type of legal recourse.  You signed in essence a "contract".  I would contact a lawyer to see what they have to say if the agency is not able to help you.  If that doesn't work, start writing to your state legislature for help.  Until we all (bio & adoptive parents alike) start working in unison to change these laws, our children continue to suffer.

Good luck to you in your fight.  Stay strong.  And remember that not all adoptive parents are like these people.

Answer 13

I am so sorry.  That is so common.  I was in a few different email support groups and believe it or not, most of them are birthmothers who had the same thing happen.  I don't have an answer for you, but PLEASE continue to stand up for yourself.  Is the birth plan on a document that you have or that the agency has a copy of?  Don't give up. This is too important and I can imagine how heartwrenching it must be.  

Hang in there.

Answer 14

You do..........

Don't give up on this and let anyone tell you different.

This is wrong.

Contact someone ASAP about this.

Answer 15

was this put in writing when you signed the adoption papers? If not then im sorry but there is nothing you can do. If there is then you can take them to court  and make them let you see her.

Its a shame that are backing out of their promises now unless there is something you arent telling us?

best of luck

Answer 16

does she have siblings?

Answer 17

If you had a signed agreement that it will be open, i'm fairly sure you have the rights to see your child. Her adopted parents are probalby just scared that you will want her back or something. Its great you want to be a part of your daughters life, even if she doesnt know you are her mother (or maybe she does, you dont say.) Talk to the adopters, and if that fails, get a lawyer.

Answer 18

I adopted my son 3 years ago and I wish his BM would have wanted an open adoption. To me, I feel it is so important to keep everyone together. My son knows he's adopted but of course doesn't have a clue really what it means. I didn't want him to  grow up and find out later in life and wonder who he is. To me, it is important to both family's together for the sake of the child. I'm so sorry that this happened to you and hope that you go seek a lawyer and go over those papers. Good Luck!!!

Answer 19

Though I feel empathy with your desire to be involved with a child you have birthed, I think it is absolutely important to step back and let the adoptive parents PARENT the child.  That is ultimately the entire point of adopting out a child...letting someone else be the parent.  

The only reason they may have taken such a step would be that they felt as though you were involved to the point that the child would feel confused about who his/her Mommy is.  For an adoptive parent, I should think it would be horrible to feel as though you are competeing daily for the love and devotion of the child you have taken as your own.

I suppose it seems a little harsh the way I'm stating it, but just step back and let her parents have her, OK?  There will be plenty of time when the child is older to get to know each other.  A time when the child feels is right...

Again, I know it's a harsh way to put it.  I have a very firm belief that the family that has been created by an adoption needs to be able to bond and grow together.  Imagine someone stepping into YOUR home and claiming a right to YOUR child.  Anyone would balk at that.  This is THEIR child.  Let them be.  They are not trying to erase who you are, they are  Just trying to RAISE THEIR CHILD.  The child will know and love you.  Just give this family the time they need.

I'm reiterating, I suppose, so I'll stop now.

Give them the space and time to have their family.

OK...now I'll stop.

It's just that these parents are being painted as evil and I know there is a second side that no body has acknowleged.

That's it.  I swear.

Edit (response):  Everything you said points to the same conclusion I had before:  you are trying to be too involved in how they handle their lives.  They didn't adopt YOU, they adopted the baby.  How can you insist that they go to counseling?  How can you think that weekly visits are NOT invasive? Even non-custodial parents in a divorce generally see their child once every TWO weeks!  And your insistance that they put you up in a hotel for a week....  few hundred dollars?!?  If it so little money, YOU spend YOURS to stay in a hotel.  Didn't want to spend any money? On what? YOU?  How long do these people have to pay you off, in your opinion?  You didn't SELL your baby.  My opionin remains the same.  

And YES...empathy DOES apply.  I wish I could have time with the daughter I adopted out.  BUT IT'S NOT MY PLACE.  She HAS parents.  I sympathize with what THEY are going through to parent this child.  You shouldn't be making it more difficult.  It's not about YOU.

Answer 20

Do you live in a state where the agreement is legally binding?  If not then there is nothing that you can do, legally.  You can however have a mediator and have a sit down with everyone and talk about things and why they are stepping back and not honoring the agreement made.

I have had to do this because I live in a state where they are not legally binding and her parents have stepped back.

If I have to honor the agreement and then, well, they should to.  Since, what kind of message does that send to your child?  That promises don't need to be kept and that they are worthless and made to be broken.

Answer 21

DEPENDING UPON THE STATE YOU ARE LIVING IN AND DOING THE ADOPTION IN ARE THE SAME?

MOST STATES HAVE CHANGED THEIR ADOPTION LAWS AND ALLOW FOR THE CHILD UPON EMANCIPATION TO SEEK REAL PARENTS.

LEGAL RECOURSE IS AGAIN UP TO THE STATE YOUR RESIDING IN. THE COURT RECORDS ARE SEALED AND THERE ARE ADOPTION REGISTRIES.

RATIONAL IS THAT AN ADOPTEE HAS TWO MOTHERS, THE ONE WHO BROUGHT S/HE INTO THE WORLD AND THE ONE WHO RAISED HIM INTO THE WORLD.

I KNOW I WAS ADOPTED AND MY HOME STATE DOES NOT ALLOW ME TO REACH BACK TO MY ROOTS.

Answer 22

I am so sorry this happened to you and your daughter. It's a shame the adoptive parents can't see that the best thing for the child is to have contact with you. Studies have shown that closed adoptions are not in the best interests of the child. Seems they only serve the needs of the adoptive parent. Shame they can't open their hearts and allow their daughter to love two mothers.

I hope you can find someone to help you and that you and your daughter can soon have contact. Best of luck to you!

Answer 23

I think your best bet is to consult a lawyer on this one.  A lawyer will be more seasoned in adoption and family laws for your state and will be able to tell you whether your open adoption is enforceable.  Unfortunately there are very few states that legally honor open adoption agreements.  I hope that your state is one of them.  Good luck.

Answer 24

well my son was adopted 23 yrs ago and l still have no idea as to where my son is but l wouldn`t trust them whoever is handling the adoption. being that you already signed the papers they can do whatever they want to cause they did lt to me

Answer 25

I'm so sorry this happened to you, I can't comprehend why so many adoptive parents make promises they don't intend to keep

You are right, there should be some recourse for you.  I'm sure your child thinks of you, especially on her birthday and I hope you are able to re-connect

There are lots of amazing adoptive families who treat the child's mother as part of their extended families.  Unfortunately there are just as many who treat people badly.  And I'm so sorry.

I don't think there  is legal recourse.  But there is surely a moral code of ethics that should count for something . . .

Answer 26

I agree with Washington. She wasn't being unsympathetic, but maybe you were ignoring the parts where she was. Just because someone says something you don't want to hear doesn't make them wrong. I believe it is very hard for both sides,  them knowing that they aren't the biological parents, but they have adopted this baby and now it is theirs, and it would hurt to have someone else trying to rule over what they do with the child. When you decided to give up your baby for adoption, you were giving up the right to raise him/her, and giving it to someone else.

It also sounds like you were making some pretty unreasonable demands. I think you should back off and let them enjoy this time that is supposed to be wonderful with their new baby.

There is nothing wrong with caring about the baby you adopted out, but you should not interfere with her family and make everyone's life into a soap opera.

Like Washington said, let the child come to you when she is older, on her own time, by her own wishes. And then you can get to know her. Until then, back off and let the parents care for her.

If you wanted to take care of a baby so bad, then maybe you shouldn't have adopted her out. That's a harsh thing to say I know, but it's true.

(Open adoption means that the parents will meet you and you know where your baby is going to. It doesn't mean that you get to micromanage their lives and how they raise their kid.)

Answer 27

I am so sorry this happened to you.  I hope it will spur you to become a voice for first mothers' rights, because as it stands they have no rights at all.  

I repeat:  They have no rights at all.  There is no legal right to an open adoption in this country, and that needs to change.  NOW.