K. Somebody help me with this thing...how did this happent to me?

Question

okay..when i was five my parents told me i was adopted..Ten years later, i finally decided that i had a right to know. However, whenever i bring it up, my mom looks like she's gonna cry and goes into her room and closes the door. She lost 4 kids before she adopted me and i understand how she feels but i still think i have a right to know. What do I do to make her help me or is it even legal to find them? Please help me cause I really dunno.

Answer 1

First, you need to be clear about why you want to search.  Is it because you are having some conflict with you parents?  If so, that may be why your mom is upset.  If not, then you just need to make sure you are prepared to find out anything that is the truth.  Not just the fairy tale fantasy, but the truth.  Your mom is scared, and thinks this may change your relationship.  She may need reassurance.  And she may be protecting you from some very painful information.

Of course you have a right to know.  But everyone involved (including your mom and your birthmom) also has a responsibility to handle this with care, respect and gentleness.  It is much more complicated than you probably realize.  Go slowly, and don't disregard the need for respecting that the adults in your life -- your birthparents, and your adoptive parents -- each made decisions they felt like were and are in your best interest.  Each loves you in their own individual way.

Approach your mother in a good, close moment.  Reassure her that you will always love her, and she will always be your mom.  But explain that you have a need for more information, and that this is normal.  Ask for her help, in order for you to have medical and other information you need.  Tell her that if there is something very painful which is hard for her to tell you, you understand, but that you hope she can share it anyway (if that is what you decide).

Of course, this all depends on how old you are, how mature you are for your age, and how good your relationship and communication is with your mom.  There may be a reason she doesn't feel like she can share this information.  You may need to trust her on this.

Whatever happens, good luck to you.  I hope you find what you are looking for.

Answer 2

Are you trying to get info on your birth parents?

Assuming so, this could be traumatic for you mom. She could be afraid you are going to leave her. Try telling her that even if you do find your birth parents, they can never ever replace her. She is you mother, she is the one who changed your diapers, kissed your boo boos, and loved you unconditionally. Reassure her you just want to know. If you want, you could tell her why you want to know as well. Do you want a medical history,  a name and a face, or do you want a relationship? Keep in mind, she may also be trying to protect you. She may know something about your birth parents she does not think you should know. Maybe they are in jail, or maybe it was another family mamber you may already know. Also, and I am sorry to mention, but they could be dead. Remember, she loves you and is doing what she thinks is best. Be patient, and give it time. She will tell you eventually. Good Luck!

Answer 3

My state (Maryland) had laws that prevented me from gaining information about my biological parents until I was 21.  My mom and dad reacted the same way as yours, but ultimately they always supported me and my decision.  Maryland law allowed me to search at age 18 with parental consent, which my parents were hesitant to give.  I wouldn't have thought this then, but I'm really glad I waited.  I met my birthmother when I was 22, and my birthfather when I was 23.  It took me time to grow up and mature to the point that I could handle the process like an adult.  I noticed that a lot of the emotions I felt about the adoption when I was a teenager had blossomed into respect for my birthmother's courage and my adoptive parents' love.  The laws seem stupid, and you do have rights, but the laws are there to protect you.  I'm afraid of my birthfather, as I feel he is a criminal and is trying to extort money from me.  I have not given him any personal information about myself, and only visit with him in public with the supervision of his parents.

As for making your mom help you, you can't make her.  She loves you, she must... she chose you out of all the children in the world to be the one she loves.  She will support you, even though this decision breaks her heart.  Try talking to your dad... my dad was just as supportive, but he was less emotional about the idea of a reunion and was better able to help me.  

Additional advice:  accept what they give you in stages.  When I was your age, my parents gave me a letter from my birthmother, along with a little bit of information that they knew about her.  Years later, they gave me a little bit more information... maybe they thought I was better able to handle it.  When I was 21, they gave me everything they had about her, including all of the adoption paperwork.  They didn't have as much about my adoption as they did about my little brothers, as the laws in my state have changed in the last 20 years.

When you meet the age requirements for the laws in your state, contact the adoption agency and they will guide you in the right direction.  Mine offered mediation services, and sent a letter to my birthmother on my behalf to ask if she was interested in a reunion.  Everything happened in a very sensitive way, which was different than what I had imagined when I first got her letter as a teenager.  I love my birthmother, she is one of my best friends, but I am grateful that my parents insisted I wait until I was older to know her.  They gave me the opportunity to grow up well, and she was very proud of me.

Answer 4

First off stop being so selfish, yes you have a right to know who your bio parents are but at the cost of hurting the parents who love and care for you is wrong.  

Your mom's reaction is because she loves you so much that she feels as if she'll be losing you if you look for your parents ... maybe you need to give this some time or sit and think as to why you really want to look these people up?  

Adoption was a hard decision on everyones part ... especially the part for you bio parents.  You mom & dad love you and I think you have to have some respect when it comes to these matters.  

Technically I believe most states make you wait till you 18 and no your adoptive parents have no obligation to help you find your bio parents.

Answer 5

Help her understand your reasons.

Like medically it is a good idea.  My cousin is still alive because she found her birth parents.  She found her breast cancer because her B.mother had breast cancer.

Remind her that you only have one mother and one father and your bio parents are not them!  Tell her you are just curious and you want to see who you look like.

I would write your mom a letter and use some of the responses below to help you formulate your reasons and confirm your mother's love and security!  Also give her some time to think about it.

Maybe she is not getting upset by you asking but because she is afraid that meeting them will hurt you.  She might know something negative and is afraid to tell you.  Like that they were on drugs or something!

Answer 6

Tell her you love  her and need her beside you in this , make sure she knows you will always love & be there for her, and that this will not replace her, good luck.

Answer 7

I'm sorry your mom feels threatened by your wish to find your birth parents.

Since you were 5 before they told you you were adopted, I'm guessing this is a difficult subject within your family.

Since you're a teenager now, I'm also guessing that you and your mom have a few fights. So she's probably at an especially vulnerable time.

It's not fair. And you do have rights.

Unfortunately, parents are human, too.

If your mom can't talk about it, she's not likely to help you search.

If your dad is in the picture, you could talk with him.

Otherwise, you'll have to wait until you're 18. At that point, you can do all the searching on your own, without parental help.

I'm an adoptive mom.

Answer 8

hi there sweetheart youre mum is frightened that she is going to lose you ......sit down with her and tell her why you want to find out about youre biological parents and see where you fit in thisa world that way she might even help you find them ,give that option adleast ,all mums be it through adoption or there own kids go through a stage where we think that we are losing our kids and it is worrying ,as for all these years we have been needed by our children and then a time comes when they grow up and they want to find things out for them selfs , give youre mum a cuddle and talk is the best thing to do ......good luck and take care xx

Answer 9

Wait until you are 18 to start searching.  Go thru the adoption agencies in your area then.

Answer 10

tell ur parents that u love them and its alright........

i mean dont worry be happy. right?

Answer 11

You are being very sensitive to your parents feelings, but you do have the right to know about YOUR life.  Just reassure your mom that your curiosity is not a reflection on her, that you love her and she's a great mom, it just has to do with you and needing to know your history.  Suggest to your mom perhaps that if it is too upsetting for her to go through this and she can't buck up and it is important to you to do this that you need to family counseling.

Answer 12

Be gentle with her.  My child is 5 months old and we have had him from day one.  I do want him to know he was adopted when I feel like he is old enough to understand.  I know he may question his birth parents oneday and I dreed that but simply let her know that she will always be your mother and know one else could ever feel that spot in you heart.  She may also know things about the birth parents that she feels like could hurt you or make you wish you had never went looking.

Answer 13

you might not be able to find your birth parents...some have the paperwork like that. As far as your mom goes sit down with her and tell her that nobody is going to take her place she is always going to be your mother, but you just want to find out about yourself as a person. It willbe hard because she will be feeling like you are trying to replace her with a "better" mother. if you can find out who your birth parents were thanyou have a right to know, but just let your mom know that nobody can take her place in your life..

Answer 14

Talk to your dad about see how he reacts.  They knew when they adopted you that you would want to know who your birth mom and dad are.  I hope you find them and you get a extended family.  Tell your mom that you love her and that you just want to know.

Answer 15

well wen you ask her she probably remembers the other children she lost but other wise idk what you should do

Answer 16

I don't think you can look on the adoption registry until you are 18 years old.  I think the more you talk to your parents about this the better.  They had to know this would come up eventually.   Your mom is just scared that your relationship with her will change.  Let her know that whether or not you find your birth mother will not change how much you love her.   And it will never change the fact that she is your mother!  Good luck.

Answer 17

Take a look at this site.

adoption.com

It has links to all aspects of adoption.  It contains first hand stories, reasons people search, and it may be a good place for you to start to be able to address this with her.  It is your right to learn about your past but as her daughter you need to reassure her that nothing can change the family bond.  Open the lines of communication and ask her if you both can look at the site to have a better understanding of each side of the triads story.  Adoptee, adoptive parents and birth parents.  I have heard of many stories where there is an open line of communication between the families.  

Good luck!

Answer 18

You do have a right to know. I don't understand why any adoptive parent would keep birth information from their child. Everyone deserves to know where they came from.

I can understand her feelings though. It could be that your mom doesn't know much information. But I also think that all adoptive parents should prepare themselves for this moment.

Reassure her that she will always be your mom and your curiosity is normal. Suggest the two of you going through counseling. Be prepared that not all adoption stories are  happy ones. Perhaps she is afraid of breaking YOUR heart.

Answer 19

What might help is to see if you can get another adult (youth pastor, regular pastor, counselor, trusted teacher, aunt, uncle or someone like that) to help you talk to your mom about why this is important to you.

I understand why it's important to you to know about your birth family.  It sounds like your mom has some grief issues she's still working through and that she's in a lot of pain.  Try to be understanding of her while still communicating that you have a need to know about your biological parents.  Again, see if you can get a trusted adult to help you out in talking to your mom.