Kindly adv how to handle this situation?

Question

my eldest son is 15yrs old, he is caught in the school for smoking, recently he have been doing badly in studies and in his behaviour towards me, my husband is a very strict person and i told him about the situation, how can someone advise me how to handly this and he is a big boy now bu hitting him its not going help,

Answer 1

Its natural changes and peer pressure. And you're right, hitting is just going to make him resentful. You can't make him open up to you and share what's on his mind, and let him know that, but tell him you are there if he needs you or needs to come to you. But I would punish him for smoking. If it's an abrupt change than I would pry a little to see what's wrong because it may be a little more serious.

I know I suck at that, because I'm just barely an adult myself.

Answer 2

Really, the only thing you can do is sit him down and tell him that his recent behavior is not OK.

Smoking is not OK. Frankly, if someone starts smoking these days, even with all the warnings and all of the people around us who are dying of lung cancer and emphysema, they're just plain stupid. You can quote me on that if you like!

He may be hanging out with the wrong crowd. You should talk to him about why he started smoking and why his studies are lacking so much.

The attitude is probably basic teenage angst but should be brought to a halt. He's still a child and you're still the adult and unless the strictness of your husband involves abusing your son, he shouldn't be back-talking or copping an attitude with either of you.

Ask him what's going on that could be drawing him towards smoking or towards the new friends. Guys are less likely to open up than girls are but he may. There could be something more serious than you know.

Tell him straight out that his recent behavior worries you, that you don't want to see him go down the same bad roads that a lot of other teenagers are and that he has to let you in on some things for you to help him.

Every teenager rebels a bit but your son may be doing it more because of your husband's rules. Talk to your husband and see if he can give any slack and then sit down as a family - everyone else too if you have other children - and make up some new rules that everyone has to follow or just remind everyone of the family rules. I remember in my family, rules were different for me and my older sister and while that's OK for some things (obviously I couldn't drive the car when I was 12 but she could because she was 17) it's not OK for general stuff like making sure your rooms are clean or being in the house at a certain time. Having sets of rules per child makes everyone angry.

Have a BBQ and have his friends and their families (parents especially) come over. It will be embaressing for the most part - what teenager wants their friends to see their parents being normal people? - but you and your husband will at least get to meet his new friends or see who his old friends have become and meet their parents.

Ground him if you have to. Make it to where your house is the only place for him to be. He'll be completely pissed off for probably a week but will eventually come around, as long as you don't act like he's a problem child or a nuisance and as long as your husband lays off the strictness a bit.  

Answer 3

Try to keep a positive relationship with him, so that you can talk about issues as they arise.  You can have a talk about the effect his behavior has on you, and that it is not OK for him to treat you badly.  Try not to sound weak (like saying "I don't know what to do"), and try not to be too negative (nagging, shouting) but let him know it is hurtful in a firm, honest way.  Hopefully he cares about you enough not to want to hurt you.  You can talk with him about your concerns about school and see if he will tell you anything about the reason he is not doing so well.  You may need to give consequences for negative behavior - remove privileges like being able to go out, watching TV, playing video games, and so on.  Perhaps you could offer some kind of reward for doing well in school.  Try to give him positive attention when his behavior improves.  The most important thing is having a positive, respectful relationship in general, though.