Know any good jokes?

Question

I'm in a mood for a good laugh so please spare no jokes if you have one please share it :)

Here's one from me:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.

Answer 1

At the end of the funeral service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out. When they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking the husband cries out, "watch out for the wall!"

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"

The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

Answer 2

OK, these "OJ" jokes are about 13 years outdated, but I thought they were pretty funny:

Q: Why was OJ's quarterback fired?

A: He told OJ to "cut two and run".

Q: What did OJ say when Hertz offered to renew his contract?

A: "Let me get back to you on that, I have to axe my wife."

Q: What did Michael Jackson say to OJ?

A: "Can I watch your kids?"

Q: Why is OJ so popular at Thanksgiving?

A:  He really knows how to cut white meat.

Q: What is the "Simpson Special" at Hertz?

A: You get a police escort and a free Bronco.

Q: What does "OJ" stand for?

A: Orange Jumpsuit.

Q: What do Michael Jackson  and OJ Simpson have in common?

A: They're both missing a glove.

Q: Why did OJ show up for his court date in a Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts?

A: He thought his lawyer said he was going to Cancun, but what he really said was, "You're going to the can, c****!"

Answer 3

Little Johny Wants to Get Married?

One day Lil Jony says to his father:

I want to get married.

Father: Oh, so do you have someone special in your mind?

Johny: Yes , Gradma

Father: What? There is a problem now, you want to marry my Mother?

Johny: Why not? You married my mother.

Answer 4

Menapause jewelry

a man bought his wife a mood ring so he would know what kind of mood she was in....he said if she was in a good mood, it was a beautiful shade of green......and if she was in a bad mood it made a big red mark on his forehead

Answer 5

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Huch

Huch who

Bless you !!

Another one just for you  =D

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Spell

Spell who

W.....H.....O

Answer 6

a rich man and a poor man were talking on Valentines Day, the poor man asks "what did you get your wife for valentines day?" the rich man says "a golden bracelet and a convertable, if she doesnt like the bracelet she can take the convertable and go to the jewelry store and trade it for another" the rich man then asks the poor man "what did you get your wife?" the poor man replies "i got her a pair of slippers and a d***o, if she doesnt like the slippers, then she can go **** herself!"