L would like to foster children, but my husband says no.?

Question

Hi, l have a problem, in that l would like to become a foster mum. My husband and l have been married for 2 years, and would both like children, when we spoke in the past about it, he said that he agreed with me on adoption/fostering. Now that we are ready to have children, he only wants to have children who are his biologically. l prefer to foster a child (since we don't have the money to adopt), but he is saying no. l'm really upset about this, how could l go about talking to him about it? Thanks, Shona

Answer 1

I'm sorry that that you are upset about this.

The best thing you can do is ask him if he's at least open to learning more about fostering a child.  If so, contact the department in your area to see if and when there will be an informational meeting held.  He may be unsure because he doesn't know much about fostering or he may be reluctant because of the fear of becoming attached and then having the child leave your home.

Don't force him, however.  I know you know this, but no one should be persuaded to have children in any way if they do not agree on conceiving/adopting/fostering a child.

I hope this article helps:

http://www.theadoptionguide.com/advice/a...

I wish you the best!

Answer 2

I know it is difficult when you really want to do something and your husband does not.  My husband and I went through the same thing before we decided to do foster parenting.  I wanted to adopt, he didn't even want to talk about it.  After about 3 years of talking about adoption, I met a special boy in foster care who made me want to adopt throught the foster care system.  We went through the process, just to adopt and finally decided to foster as well.  When I decided that I wanted to foster, instead of just adopt, I was afraid my husband would say no, like he originally did about adoption, but he said he was thinking the same thing!  It took a lot of discussion, but we are very happy with our decision now.  If he is at least open to talking about it, I would find a couple who are currently fostering and talk with them about their experiences.  You can learn a lot from them.  

Also, you have not been married very long so there is still time.  We started fostering about 5 years after being married.  There will always be children that need loving homes.  Your husband may come around and realize that in the future.  Best of luck to you!  Foster parenting is a tough job, but the rewards are great!  Hope you get to experience it.

Answer 3

My husband and I are experiencing this now as well, my heart as always been with international adoption (I started traveling at 16 around the world and haven't stopped), so when we got married we agreed that we would adopt as many as we had, for example we have one, and when it is old enough, we start the adoption process on another. Then when were ready, we start trying to conceive another. BUT now that I'm pregnant with our first, he is having "second thoughts" about adopting. It is difficult, but we have been keeping our communication open about it, and come to comprimises on both parts. Help him to understand your desire to do foster care, but also take into consideration his feelings and desires about wanting his own biological children as well. See if you guys can find a middle ground that you both can agree on. Keep the communication open, and make sure you both are listening to eachother and considering eachother's feelings too.

Good luck to you both, I hope you can work things out soon!!!

**HUGS**   Toni Lynne

Answer 4

It's normal for men to want to "spread their seed," so to speak.  Maybe you could ask him about having one child biologically, and another through adoption.

Answer 5

If he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to. Sorry.

Answer 6

Well, just keep the lines of communication open but do not try to push him.  This is an important decision, and not one that he should go into unwillingly.  You should have his complete support and cooperation.

On a sidenote, if you adopt from the foster care system there is usually little to no cost involved.

I wish you much luck.

Answer 7

Do not bring a child into a house divided.  Do not talk to a  man about this.  Leave him be.

Why don't you volunteer to be a Big Sister in your town.  Little investment in time and you could make a BIG difference in a chilld's life.

Remember, Sweetheart - Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.  He will never see it your way.  Give it up.

Foster kids are often very, very often troubled children.  I know as I worked with foster families for years.  It is heartbreaking to see what the world has done to them.

Anyway  - don't be upset with spouse.  He REALLY can't help it.  Best to YOU.