LADIES please help, she is 20, married and wants an abortion?

Question

My best friend is 20 yrs old. She is married with a 1 yr old son. At this moment she is pregnant again, she is 16 weeks . She is calling me asking if she should get an abortion. I told her no, I said if you dont want the child, consider adoption not abortion. I dont know what else to tell her. She is stressing heavily over this matter, and I want to help her out as much as possible. Like I said she is married and she has a child that is 1 yrs old.

What can I tell her about abortion vs adoption. How are they different ? How are they somewhat alike? What are the pros and cons of Abortion? What are the pros and cons of Adoption?

Thanks!

Answer 1

STOP! STOP EVERYTHING! ABORTION IS WRONG AND SICK! IT'S MURDERING LIFE! ADOPTION SI THE WAYY TO GO!

Answer 2

Being married she should probably talk to her husband and at least see how he feels about the options.  Probably not what she wants to hear at this time!  If there is anyway she could go through with the pregnancy then there are countless families looking for a child.  I was adopted and my bio mom was in her same situation.  Back then it was all closed adoptions, but a few years ago her husband(she is now deceased) and my half brothers(an older and younger) came to TX to visit and meet me.  I could only say Thank you, as I had a fabulous upbringing and only wished I could have told her that in person.  Your friend needs to think about what she can handle emotionally.  Abortion is a pretty final option, where with adoption she could have one as open as she wanted.  There are countless agencies if she really wanted to get involved or a simple, yet respected lawyer could do it all for her.  I have adopted myself a few years ago a daughter now 14, and while someday we will add on to our family, we also do a lot of respite care for kids and families.  So even if she waited until the last minute or wanted to be sure after having this child-there are countless options.  She needs to choose one that works for her and her family(and her peace of mind)

Feel free to email or call if you or she needs support or just someone to vent to.  Best of luck!  Sheri

Answer 3

Its her decision- but if she isnt ready, she isnt ready. the child has been conceived at this point, saying that she should have been more careful is insulting to your friend- but.... she should have thought about it first- i would urge her to give the baby up for adoption- maybe an open adoption where she could still have limited contact. good luck. no matter what, support your friend- even if you dont agree with her. she'll need her friends and lots of hugs over the next few months.

Answer 4

I've spoken with lots of women who regret having an abortion...I've not spoken with a single one who regrets making an adoption plan for the child.

She can choose the adoptive parents, she can choose how open or closed she wants the adoption to be.  I think she should contact an attorney or agency and find the one she's most comfortable with and locate an adoptive family she can see raising the child she gives birth to.

Watch & have her watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-qj3nWy7H...

See if you can get her to a Save A Life or Crisis Pregnancy Center.  They'll have great information on the physical and emotional effects abortion has on the mother.

Answer 5

You are an awful friend.  Let her decide what is best for her. I seriously doubt you never have and never will adopt.  So many pro-lifers are the biggest hypocrites.  They support the war, but protest abortion, and NEVER adopt.  If you are so concerned, why don't you adopt her child.  Or better yet adopt a special needs child addicted to crack and HIV +

Answer 6

Abortion is such a personal decision.  You really need to let her and her spouse make the best decision for them.  

Adoption isn't exactly an alternative to abortion (I am both Pro-Adoption and Pro-Choice) in most cases.  Again, both are very personal decisions and BOTH will be decisions that she herself will have to live with for the rest of her life.  

Personally, if she were to come to me as a friend, I would gently tell her that she has to make the decision, because you can't make the decision for her.  What if she does decide to place the baby for adoption?  Then will she blame you later when she regrets the decision?  What if she does have an abortion?  Will she place blame on you for not "talking her out of it"?

This is not any of your business, and she shouldn't be making it your business.  You also should mind your own business (to be blunt, I can't find a gentle way to state that) and realize that she is her own person, and if she has an abortion it isn't going to be the end of the world.  You will need to be a friend in either case and help her heal herself, mentally and physically.

Answer 7

Abortion is final, adoption is not.  Adoption means that possibly later in life that child can come and find you.  However if your friend makes a decision, you as her friend needs to stand by her, be with her through her decision.  You cannot tell her what to do.  It is her life. It is her pain and her lesson to learn, not yours.  I wish her all the love in the world, how hard can it be to have two young children? Very hard, especially if you don't have the constant support of your partner, if they are in the military, they are away often.  Big decision for a young mother.

Answer 8

well she isnt ready.its her choice.problems will arise if she adopts she will always be wondering about the child.then the child will look for her when its older.you say you are her friend so shouldnt you support HER feelings and what SHE decides.

sorry i just think you should support her she must be in turmoil she might need you to help her with what she is trying to decide instead of being against her.

Answer 9

If she didn't have a kid already I would understand, but she's had a kid already. She can give the kid a life with parents who really want kids and can't have them. Then can be there for her through the pregnancy and she can keep in touch with them if possible or she doesn't have to. She's doing a great service for them.

Answer 10

Is her husband okay with letting her abort? Maybe you can get to her through him. If he talks to her and tells her not to do it and makes her happy about the idea, then maybe she will reconsider. Now you have to convince him to do the right thing! Maybe they should research and see all the people who would love to adopt a baby.  I know women how cry because so many babies are being aborted and they have paid thousands and still can't get pregnant. Is there any other reason she doesn't want the baby besides she's not ready? If she was able to get ready for the last one, then she will be able to get ready for this one. Sometimes a women can't let the baby be born because of secrets like.... it doesn't belong to her man.... the baby is not the same race as the mother... or maybe even the relationaship isn't working and she doesn't want another child by her husband. IDk but it just seems weird to abort a child by your husband when you two already have one together. Most women don't want to go through the pregnancy and birth becuase then people will be asking her where her new baby is and she is ashamed to say she adopted it out. Let her know that is nothing to be ashamed of. It takes alot of love to go through pregancy and delivery for another couple, it is not the easy way out. Abortion is! Visit some of these websites, couples would love to adopt her baby.

http://www.parents.tk/cgi-bin/classified...

http://www.surrogacy.com/cgi-bin/classif...

http://www.opts.com/cgi-bin/classifieds/...

http://www.allaboutsurrogacy.com/cgi-bin...

http://classifieds.surromomsonline.com/c...

You might have to delete the end of these addresses to get to the website. You might have to start at the home page, click on classified ads, and then begin thee search. Also I think one of these websites want you to setup a user password and logon before allow you to see the classified ads. Good luck on your journey!

Answer 11

that is so cural having abortion at 16 weaks the child is nearly fully formed its murder is what is is a little life breathing away inside of her    would the child not be better to get addopet and have a happy lifw with a family my boyfriend is addopted  and he had a happy childhood

Answer 12

I know that you want to try to help your friend, but the added stress that you are putting on her with these pro/con arguments, only add greater pressure on her, and she just might lose the child on her own.  To much stress is not good for a baby.  That is one point that you can think about it.  I don't know if I would want to raise that point to her, as then she might be frantic over everything in hopes that her body will reject the child.  

Abortion is never the answer.  But to some people it is an easy way out, cowardly I would say.  After an abortion, of course you would be visibly upset, and probably a litte crazy at times, but the child will be gone.  Adoption, the parent will always wonder, have many questions, celebrate the child's birthday every year.  Just basically wonder why, where, when.

Also, this matter should probably be discussed with her husband since he is 50% of the reason why the child is here.  You are never ready for another child, but if you are blessed with another, you should always take advantage of the situation.  I was never ready, but someone of a higher power told me that to bad, I am getting another one anyways.  Just like that same power told me that I was not ready to have a child before, and my body rejected the child when I was four months.

Also, I was adopted.  Better to give someone life, but better off to have a life that a child deserves.  I am not saying the she doesn't deserve the child, but there will be a heck of alot of emotions.  You house a baby for nine months, but knowing that you have to give a perfectly healthy child for adoption instead of putting your own needs aside, is crazy.  The pros of adoption, that child will LIVE!  Go to a family who wants children and give it all of the love that that mother is to selfish to give her child.  The cons, she will never know what that child will be like.  Miss all the birthdays, graduations, first words, first steps, all of the child's firsts and then more.  

Have her talk to her husband though first and foremost.  He is the second most important part in this equation and needs to be filled in on what she is planning to do.

Good Luck!

Answer 13

I feel for your friend, and understand that having a child when you are not ready can be emotionally overwhelming. This is a decision that only your friend and her husband can make.  You can give her lists, but she will have to do what is in her heart. I for one do not agree with abortion, but it is not my body or child we are talking about. Abortion is the quick way out, but it will leave scars forever. Adoption will also not be an easy choice, as she will have to live with that decision forever as well.  

I am in my third year of trying to get pregnant, getting ready to start fertility treatments, and looking into adoption. We desperately want to have a child even though it is a large sacrifice and financial burden. It's very hard to hear of so many people who easily conceive and don't want the baby. We'll take it!!!

Your friend may just be stressed out about all of the changes and exploring her options. If she can, she may want to thank God that she is able to have a child and do her best to look at all of the positives of that blessing. Things have a way of working themselves out.

Answer 14

I volunteer at a Pregnancy Care Center in Texas and I think you should probably visit their website to get some great stuff on why not to get an abortion. It is a Christian organization so that will be in there but also some real facts. For instance, we've had grown women of forty come in with post-abortion depression. These are women who have had abortions at an earlier stage in life and are later in life experiencing depression due to it. It's sadly very common. There's a lot of facts like that that would be great for you to show her.

Answer 15

What does her husband say about all of this?  If this is what they both want, you probably can't stop it.  But, if your friend does decide to go the adoption route, I would be glad to refer her to some reputable agencies where she can find a homestudy approved family.  Best of luck.

Answer 16

i think the best thing to do is to keep the baby as a brother/sister to her other child. But i understand that in some circumstances that is not possible. She is old enough to make her own decision and she should do what she feels is the best. In time she will come to grips on things and she will make a decision whether she will regret it in the future is not the point. she is still young so regardless of what she does she should be able to conceive when she is ready. Why isn't her husband helping her being a support to her?

I hope that what she does is the best thing for herself and that she does not do anything that she doesn't want to just to please and make someone else happy.

Answer 17

i have given a child up for adoption cause i was on my own with an 18month old he now lives with his paternal gparents email me and i can help u to help your friend through this as i no wat i am talking no to abortion it is murder no matter whaat way you look at it

Answer 18

gross NO ABORTION=]

Answer 19

She is past the date where she can get an abortion...

You are going to get a lot of pro life people on here telling you it is murder.  Is her child special needs?  Does she think the child watching her pregnant and then being put up for adoption might affect him adversely?  Maybe her home situation isn't great with the hubby?  I don't know what her reasons are, and I don't want to, and won't, cast stones at someone when I'm not sure of her reasons so I can't guess as to what she is feeling.  Just be her friend regardless.  It sounds like she doesn't have much choice in having the child, though.  Isn't the cut off for abortions 13 weeks in most states?  It is in mine.

Good luck to her, and just be her friend regardless.  That will be the most help to her.

Answer 20

Well obviously with adoption the baby actual gets to live. There is no comparison, living or death.

Its crazy that this woman who is in a stable marriage, has good living conditions and health care. Would want to abort just because she’s not ready for another baby. Well I’m sorry she should have thought about that before hand. In the end it’s her choice but I hope you encourage her to keep the baby or place it for adoption.

Look at all the couples that struggle to get pregnant some never do. Your friend should consider herself blessed that she can even get pregnant.   From what you say this woman is not living in poverty, barley scrabbling by like some woman who have 4 or 5 kids. It’s just an inconvenience for her that’s what I’m getting. Well again she should have thought of the possibility of pregnancy and had a few  birth control methods in place, condom, diaphragm and DP shot or, pill or patch. Spermcide,  I know nothing is 100% but most of those are 99.9% effective and if one is using more then one your chances seem even less for an unwanted pregnancy.

Answer 21

Abortion and adoption are not similar except that they both do involve loss.  And both are totally the woman's choice.

Abortion obviously does not involve the best interest of the child, unless one is in such a horrible situation that they truly feel that the child will have no quality of life at all.  That is a mother's call.

A decision for adoption is usually made for the best interest of the child, and birthmothers make the decision for that reason.

As I said, both involve loss, and grief.  But with adoption, there is also a profound hope and joy that replaces that loss for some women.  

However, some women may feel hope and joy for their other children or their future with a decision for abortion as well -- That is totally a personal thing.

The best way to help or support your friend is to not judge her, and totally support her no matter which way she goes.  Because if she does choose abortion, what kind of support does she have from you, knowing you told her "no".  A true freind encourages a friend to make THEIR best choice, not ours.  It is her life.

Pros of abortion?  Other than the pregnancy ending, and some women being able to move forward, but some women can't.  The cons are that it is sometimes impersonal and can be medically dangerous (but less so than pregnancy).  

The pros of adoption?  Specifically, for the child, more than likely, a very good life.  The cons are that some birthmothers struggle with the grief and loss.

BOTH decisions should be made with counseling!  And all the education and information possible.  There are counselors at abortion clinics, and there are counselors at adoption agencies.  She should see both.

Support and love her no matter what.  She needs that kind of friendship now.

Answer 22

"What can I tell her about abortion vs adoption. How are they different?"

Basically abortion is killing the baby and adoption is giving the child to another family.

"How are they somewhat alike?"

I guess you could say that they are alike because in both situations she would not care for the child at all.

"What are the pros and cons of Abortion?"

I personally see no pros in abortion. There are huge cons though ... the biggest being the loss of a life and forever having to live with the fact of knowing that an innocent life was taken.

"What are the pros and cons of Adoption?"

Pros of adoption ... giving another loving family the chance to have and love a child that they might have otherwise not been able to do. There are a lot of infertile couples in the world who would love a chance to adopt a child. (Me for one!)

I personally can't thing of any cons. The only thing that *could* be a con is if you wanted to see the child or be in contact with the child in the future you wouldn't be able to. There is a way around that though because you can have an open adoption if the mother wanted to and the adoptive parents agreed. So it really isn't a con, it's a choice.

Answer 23

The fact that she is only 20, already married and has a one year old AND is pregnant again and wants an abortion is enough to know that she should NOT be raising children.

Answer 24

The psychological effects of abortion on the mother are never talked about at an abortion clinic. I have talked to many women who have NEVER gotten over this. Some tell of buying gifts for their unborn baby when they think it would be their birthday, etc. They tell of laying in bed and crying. When they see a child that would be about the age of their unborn baby they are effected emotionally. Some become suicidal. On the other hand, many women suffer emotionally from giving up their baby and not ever knowing what happened to it. I have good friends that adopted a baby two years ago. It is an open adoption where the birth mother knows the family. She is sent pictures of the little girl. The birth mother sends gifts on occassion. The adoptive family traveled out-of-state to visit the birth mother with the child last year. This so eases her mind to realize that she did what was best for this child. She is happy and secure in a loving family. I hope this information helps. I will be happy to make any suggestions about the help that could be available for her if she chooses to adopt. I am not part of any organization that has any dealings with adoption or abortion. I just have a love for these babies and know so many loving people that want so desperatey to adopt a baby.

Answer 25

With abortion there is always a great risk of guilt.  This would probably increase because she already has a son.  Since she is married, her husband's opinion may give her guilt as well.  If her husband doesn't even know about the pregnancy, she will eventually feel guilty about not telling him about his child.

Of course, with abortion, she would not have to go through childbirth, but an abortion procedure is not painless.  If it is a financial situation that is the reason to consider abortion, adoption would work just as well.  There are many couples that are willing to pay for all medical treatments and prenatal care.  Babies are most always able to find good homes.  If the cause for wanting an abortion is for phychological reasons-I don't think I can handle another child-My husband doesn't want another kid-Its too much work-I don't want my children that close together in age-Than she should have thought about that before having s*x.  Those are no reasons to have an abortion.  I am pro choice, but I think an abortion is really only needed when pregnancy causes risks for the mother, or great emotional distress as in the case of rape or incest.  At 16 weeks a fetus has already started to develop.  Inform your friend of the facts, and let her make her own decision.  Make sure that there is no pressure from one person or another.

Answer 26

maybe you could adopt it? that way she knows that she'll give it up to someone she knows and trusts, and she can visit it whenever she wants/can. (if your willing) and then since your taking in the child, ask for some help too like maybe have them pay for baby food or something.

Answer 27

With abortion, she is a killer.

If she adopts the baby out, she will make a family very happy.

If she is in the military they have a great support system.

We are retired military.

Good luck

Answer 28

You can't get an abortion after 3 months unless the mother is at risk. So it looks like adoption is her only option...but she is married and has a baby so she needs to just it.

Answer 29

a few years ago I found out I was preg with my 3rd, I already had a 4yr old and a 1yr old, I was being evicted from my apartment because the house was being sold. I got so stressed out wondering where I was going to live with 2 kids and a 3rd on the way, one day I couldn't take it anymore and I called my mom crying and told her I was going to go to the clinic and get it taken care of, I weighed the pros and cons of adoption and abortion, and I made the decision that I now know was the best one, that little baby is going to be 3 on a week, he's got a great personality and he makes us laugh. It wasn't easy under the circumstances and trying to keep my options open, but my son was giving to me for a reason just like my other 2 were, she may not feel ready now but she'll know she's ready when she looks into the eyes of her child when he/she is born.

Answer 30

Let her know that there are many families that would love to adopt her child because they can't have children.  Let her know that it would be a blessing for a family if they received this unborn child.

Answer 31

i would tell not to abort her baby cause it may be her last or she dont know what that baby may be