Lack of communication is the main cause of many divorces?

Question

I am the kind of person who likes to talk things through and like to understand how each other feels but it seems this isn't what my husband wants. He'd rather me not ask, not say and not explain. I am very upset as everytime when we talk about 'sensitive' issues, he just gets angry and i felt like it was all my fault. But is it wrong to talk about our future together? Think about solutions together and try to understand what each other would like to do in a long term? I don't bring these issues up all the time as I know men might be more 'sensitive'.

Answer 1

When a person refuses to discuss things, it basically tells the other person that they really don't care.  They are left to be bottled up and worried over.  It opens doors to dissatisfaction, annoyance and bitterness.  In my last marriage, my husband always said I was crazy in the head. He never wanted to discuss things.  It was always pushed under the rug.  I started to get very bitter and resentfull about all the things that we needed to discuss.  That went on for almost 20 years.  Finally it all blew up many times, each time never getting solved.  My husband now is totally different.  He likes to discuss things and get it out in the open so it can be difused.  After not talking it was hard for me to be able to tell him what was going on.  But it is getting easier.  Now when something comes up, we discuss it, no matter what it is.  And by discussing it, I don't feel like it is just my problem and he lets me know that he cares about us and our relationship enough to work on things.  

Answer 2

So people were raised differently, such as from a culture that does not discuss "sensitive issues". It could be something uncomfortable in his past that causes him to clamp up. However, how are you approaching him? Is it a manner that makes him feel attacked? Do you yell at him? If you pressure him to open it, it will make him clamp up even more.  

Answer 3

Yes, it is the main cause.  Usually it is just more that people are afraid of hurting their spouse and think that if they just let things slide they will get over it, or things will eventually change.  Instead it builds up to a point that suddenly they can't stand being married and it is too late to fix things.  It is better to talk things out.  The flip side is that you can over do it in terms of trying to hard to understand someone.  You can't turn everything into a subject that must be discussed and made a big deal of.  Some times it is really as simple as saying "Hey, just so you know, what you did or said, that hurt and I am not happy right now.".

Answer 4

Shouldn't you two have identified that personality difference before tying the knot???

Answer 5

It seems like there might be a deeper reason why he won't open up to you.  Guilty conscience comes to mind or maybe he feels it's his way or the highway and there is no room for discussion because he won't change.  

Answer 6

Lack of communication might be the cause of your divorce, but most other marriages end because a spouse cheats.

Answer 7

No marriage can survive, when one person refuses to talk over any problems that are going on in the relationship. This is your husband's way of controlling you and the marriage.

If your husband refuses to communicate with you like an adult and insist on being this control freak, then you are wasting precious years with this man and if you can't make him understand that either we talk things over and treat each other as equals in this marriage or I am leaving you, so you can have everything your way and I can be free to find someone who values my opinion and respects it.

Either that or stay married to this control freak and spend the rest of your life being the dumb wife, who does exactly what her husband tells her to do, even if that makes you miserable.

Even with a controlling husband, you are still free to make your own choices in life.

Answer 8

I'm not an expert but I feel that your husband has issues. "Baggage" from his growing up. This is a common behaviour pattern when someone has suffered hurt whilst they are growing up. A lot of love and quiet understanding is needed--- if you feel that you have the patience.

Maybe then some of the damage will unravel.  

Answer 9

Lack of communication certainly can be destructive to a relationship. My divorce was caused by this in the end. We could talk about bigger issues and we rarely really argued but the deeply personal stuff was more difficult.

Sometimes men find it difficult to talk about personal issues because of the way they were brought up or because of society's expectations of men....'big boys don't cry etc'

Most men just don't expose their inner feelings and this does hamper their ability to communicate effectively. They can be sensitive but be conditioned not to let this show.

In my case there was certainly an element of this in the relationship but I too found it difficult to talk about a trauma in my past which came back to haunt me many years later with devastating results.

The strange thing was that we now find it much easier to talk about this stuff now we are divorced and have talked to one another more since then when we lived together....maybe we just grew up?

It takes patience and understanding on both sides for a relationship to truly function and maybe you just need to give it time to develop to that point.

Answer 10

i totally agree that lack of communication is the main causes of divorce.  My marriage is the same way except it is me who don't like to talk things out. it feels like a personal attack when we do. not sure why and maybe should seek help

Answer 11

My husband is like this too.  I have learned to let the minor things go...most things are minor things.  If I do feel it is important I let him know  and then ask to talk about it when we are thinking more logically.

If you don't know what your future is with your husband...you probably do need to talk more.