Ladies, How would you describe this woman?

Question

She is 27. She quit school for an easier life working for her brother in a coffee shop 48 hours a week while her friends have graduated and out in the real world. She's very pretty, but lazy and hoards everything. She broke up for the second time, her boy freind of 4 plus years, who just turned 24 about 6ft and weighs 330 pounds and is way below average in looks. The thing is, his family is rich! (I'm not kidding!) She recently invited me to come visit her 170 miles roundtrip to see her for a day. I stayed in a house where her brother is paying for her to stay in a rented house. Her living room is somewhat kept, but her room is the size of a queeens room, and it was full of make up, mirrors, cloths, clutter, and i mean...the room looked like a hurricane hit it. She smokes pot, and thinks alot about the past. Her bf used to control her, buy her, never wanted to do anything but smoke pot, eat, sleep and shop! She says she's dated a couple guys, but i'm not so sure. She has been sheltered all her life and is finding very difficult to get out into the real world on her own and make it without relying on a guy to take care of her. She mentioned that she would go back to school when she was married because the guy would support her. Her one girl friend she has, and confides in, told her she was lazy. I think she has some form of OCD or depression. She smokes that stuff too, and i think gets it still from this guy. The reason I'm asking, is, I dont do drugs. I don't even drink. I'm 34 years old and yes, i'm living at home, but graduating from college in may of 09 and already have a job making over 50 a year. No, it's not 100,000 year as an attorney that this kid she was seeing is going to be in two years, but I am also opening up my own little espresso drive thru in a year or two. I have been in love with her for several years and it's been two months since i seen her. I told her i was still in love with her. She knew it before i went over there but she still invited me. Now she makes excuses why she wont call me when i text her how she's doing or asking to visit her. she even forgot to wish me a happy birthday! She keeps telling me, I'm so so soo sorry everytime i ask her something. I asked her if, "she wanted me to leave her alone? I asked her that question twice with no answer, until i text her a coupe days later, and just told her, to text me if everything between us was ok. She texted me back with oh, i'm so sorry, busy, work, so so sorry. how are you. I have not heard from her the last 10 days. I think she's depressed. But i also think she's not right for me even though she told me i would be a good husband and i'm a giver. She hoards, and hoarders with OCD have a hard time with decisions or letting go because they fear they might need things or even people again like myself Or like her ex, who gives her pot. She seems to be in a rut. Does this make sense? I think i'm going crazy!!!! Ladies, would you all please help me with advice. She is sensitive, and i care about her, but i have a really in your face text that tells her exactly how it is. What should i do? Should i give her time?

Answer 1

I know you feel love for her but this girl will be nothing but years of grief. I'm not a psychiatrist but as an older woman with lots of experience, I would suggest cutting bait with this one and start over with some else. She doesn't love you. Sorry to be so blunt and this is just my opinion.

Good luck. ♥ ∞

Answer 2

Of course you would make a good husband to her which is why she wants to be with you.   But ask yourself, would she make a good wife to you?  What if she never changes are you willing to put up with all of this stuff.    One thing for sure don't marry someone and think they will change after you get married or you can fix them because it won't happen.  She has to want to change herself.  Tell her if she wants to be with you then she will have to make some changes in her life, on her own.  You cannot force her to do it.  She has to want to get better for herself first before she can get better for anyone else.

Ask yourself, if this woman never changed would you be able to live with her?  If think if you would then you wouldn't be asking about this.  There is someone out there for you that is a better fit for you.  It's ok to be friends just know where to set your boundaries so you do not get entangled in her web.   I'm a giver too but I have learned that you have to learn where to draw the line otherwise others will take complete and total advantage of you.    My suggestion:  limit your contact with her and keep at a distance.  Things could perhaps change in he life but for right now I think it is for the best.  And in the long run you don't want to have any regrets.

Answer 3

i'm a bit confused as to why you think working in a coffee shop isn't being in the 'real world'.  Who do you think should serve people coffee then?  Or do you think coffee shops shouldn't exist at all?

And how on earth can she be lazy if she works a 48 hour week?  that isn't my definition of lazy.  And why wouldn't her room be a mess?  How on earth has she got the time to clean it if she is working a 48 hiour week?  Who would?

she probably hasn't contacted you for 10 days because she is tired of your endless criticisms.  Why can't you just accept her as she is?

Answer 4

There are a few things that bother me about the situation you just described.

#1. You mention her drug use. A lot. Which tells me that you have a problem with that. Which is good, because it means you're sane. But you don't mention HER having a problem with it. Which is bad, because it means that she doesn't see it as a problem, and probably won't let it go. Do you want to spend your life with someone who is on drugs? How far will you go to give her her next fix?

#2. You mention that she hoards. A lot. Are you the type of person that hoards as well? Or do you prefer to give a little, and keep a little for yourself? When someone hoards, there's usually a reason behind it. What is hers? Can you handle having to live with someone who behaves like that?

#3. Marriage is a TWO-WAY relationship in which both parties give and take from each other. Who is going to be doing the giving and taking in this relationship? Are you involved in a one-way, unequal relationship that will burn you out, or are you involved in a two-way relationship, in which you give a lot, and also receive a lot? Option number 2 in this question sequence is the healthy option, and if you said option number 1, then you need to rethink what you're doing.

#4. You mention that she has never given you a straight answer. I hate to say it, buddy, but non-straight answers usually mean, "NO!". Take the hint. She does not want you in her life. So butt out already, and let her live the life she wants.

I could go on and on and on. There are so many things that are just WRONG about your relationship with this woman. You really need to reconsider WHY you feel the need to attach yourself to her. Do you feel guilty for some reason? Why do you think that you love someone who very clearly does not reciprocate your feelings? Are you seeing a pattern to your romantic relationships?

As someone who is not in your position and can comment objectively (or rather as objectively as I can), I would have to say that you're looking for something out of a relationship with this girl that will end up destroying you.

Break that pattern. The girl isn't interested in you. Get back to your life, and try to find out what it is that YOU need to do to get yourself in a mentally healthy frame of mind, and do that. Let her live the life she wants, without you.

You cannot have a healthy relationship when one person in the relationship is going to take it all, while the other gives it all.

Leave her alone. Break it off with her.

Answer 5

She's got issues...

I know this because your question about her is really long and detailed..

Move on and find a better chick to date

Answer 6

I can't read a question that consists of ONE HUGE PARAGRAPH.  My brain hurts just looking at it.  

Answer 7

detailed!