Ladies and wives I NEED HELP?

Question

I am in the military and am currently serving in Iraq. This is my second tour. The other day I had what we call a bad day. Anyways I call my wife, and while I'm starting to relay some of what has been going on, my wife interrupts me and begins relating to me how she tired because the other night her and her sister were out at a club till 3am. Drinking with random other guys. She also mentions and laughs how they were hitting on her and making references to her "chest". But she told me she wasn't flirting with them "cause they weren't that cute", and not to worry. Needless to say I was angry, but I didn't say anything at first. Later I e-mailed her with a nice e-mail stating that I didn't approve, and that I didn't think it would be the best thing that ever happened if she did it again, but that I love her and miss her, and she a big girl. She thinks I'm over reacting, and she got really defensive, saying there's nothing wrong with what she did. Am I justified to be a little angry and hurt? And what do I do about it while I'm still thousands of miles away?

Answer 1

Being angry is putting it mildly. I don't know what to tell you.

Answer 2

how old is she? I'm just guessing she's young. She is dealing with this very immaturely. You do have a right to be upset. She would probably be upset with you if the roles were reversed. I'm not saying that she shouldn't go out with friends and have friendship while you are gone. It's lonely when your spouse is gone. But going to clubs and hanging out with guys is just asking for trouble. That is how my husband and I keep our marriage affair-proof. We never put ourselves in a position where anything could happen, our that would upset the other if they were there watching. I also know from experience that if some one becomes defensive when you confront them it is probably because they feel guilty. Just try to explain to her how you feel lonely too and that you want your relationship to stay strong and that you feel that kind of behavior just undermines your relationship.

Answer 3

Its ok to be angry but remember she is alone, Women need to hear they look good or they smell good every now and then. It makes us feel better about ourselves. As long as she keeps it playful and is honest with you I don't think you have anything to worry about. Don't get too mad. flirting is harmful but it makes us feel like we are still young and beautiful and just knowing we can still turn heads. what a feeling. as we get older we won't let ourselves go like some women and men will still want to be seen with us.

Answer 4

You have every right to be upset, you have put your trust and loyalty into a relationship and you deserve that in return as well.

First I would like to thank you for the service that you do for our country. And also I am sorry for this situation you are in.

The main thing is the next time you talk to her you really need to talk to her about it. It is not something that needs to be left unsaid but also you need to be cautious in how you say it too. You must realize also how hard it must be for her for her husband to be out of the country and on top of that his life is in danger and this can be very stressful on the spouse and you can even acknowledge that to her. But also tell her how much you love her and would like her not to go to clubs and how it made you feel when she told you what she did.

Don't forget women are emotional and if you tell her your feelings she will be able to connect with that easier than if you just tell her you don't want her doing what she did, that will just make her defensive. And end the conversation with how much you love her and more than likely if she really loves you it will not happen again.

Answer 5

nope. its a problem. ex-13 yr military wife, ive lived in housing and off base, if one is deployed/ on tour/ TAD/ cruising, and the other is going out to the clubs its gonna cause problems. i saw it even with the strongest couples.

another problem is that if this is something she likes to do and you ask her not to, she may just lie or not tell you. its a sucky place to be. maybe theres other things she can get herself involved in, im sure she's bored. i dunno, it sucks.

Answer 6

Sometimes woman feel the need to make the person their with jealous just for the reaction and She sounds like a real piece of work while your on the other side of the world protecting all of us

Answer 7

Your wife should have saved her story for a later time. Why did she feel the need to interruptt what you were saying to mention how much fun she was having? Have you asked her that? And Id also ask about the "not so cute" remark. If they were cute, would she have flirted? Now I think most of us do flirt, married or not. But we shouldnt tell our spouses about it,that'ss just mean.

Id say you are justified in being a lil angry and hurt. I wish I knew what to tell you to do about it. The only thing I would do, would be honest when you talk to her and tell her how it made you feewouldn'tuldnt tell her not to go out anymore, no one should tell anyone what to do. But if she cares about you, once you tell her your feelings onthe matter, she should do the right thing.

Thanks for being there for our country! I wih you the best in your marriage! God bless.

Answer 8

She must be young. Not that there is any excuse for her tacky behavior. There is nothing wrong with going out, and if your attractive and not there with a man, chances are you will get attention. BUT, to relay that info to you and even go into detail about her 'chest' and all that is beyond necessary. I think she is intentionally trying to make you jealous for some reason. Which is incredibly insensitive given where you are and what life is like for you. Hopefully she isnt cheating, but I wouldnt discount it. good luck!

Answer 9

I don't see what is wrong with it. You act like she said.. Honey, I slept with the pool man?  Your just stressed and because you can't be there you want to emotionally beat the h**l out of each other. Your both need to stop buggin' and calm down. This is one of those stupid arguements that cause 10,000 in court cost when you two really have nothing to argue about. Try sending her flowers instead and remind her how wonderful she is before you wack her with a stick!

Answer 10

Sick. You're in Iraq and she justifies her immature and inappropriate behavior. Not only did she act this way, she was so thoughtless as to let you have this image in your head when it's hard to feel reassured 1000's of miles away. Ok, now, I didn't mean to get you more fired up b/c lashing out is probably not going to make her come to her senses. She's a woman, you have to appeal to her emotions. Show vulnerability, express that you're hurt (not so much that you're angry or that you disapprove). Are there any guys with wives involved in support groups back home that you could ask to befriend your wife? Not to defend her in any way, but she does need some company while you're away, it just needs to be appropriate company.

Answer 11

You are in a bind here.. Not sure what to do.. but I do not believe you acted out. When you marry and leave for fighting freedom for us, it's never a good thing to know that your wife is out " partying '.. she can still party but may need to tone it down and maybe find another friend whom she should be going out with.. if she must...

It is not fair to you... and it's heartbreaking to know that you can't seem to trust her... in her mind maybe she's thinking that you won't find out.. but that's such a lack of trust on her part.

I feel for you... I am retired military who fortunatly, my husband never had to serve in Iraq. But he did serve elsewhere , where he was gone for months at a time.  I know what you are going thru to be seperated from the one you love... It's hard.

Do you have any family members who live close to where your wife lives ?? It's not technically spying on her but they may need to check on her once in a while.  

Unless you want to continue to trust her in that maybe nothing did happen ( this can be taken out of context tho as to how she defines Trust and the length of it ).  to her, ' nothing happened ' could extend to nothing sexually... but in your mind ( and mine as well ), nothing happened should have included ' drinking with guys, ' flirting ' with guys, references to her chest.  Her statement " not to worry because they weren't cute ?? " is stupid.  What if they Were Cute ?? would she have proceeded ??  

You have a major trust issue if you ask me and that is something that will need to be dealt with once you get back..  

I wish you luck !!  

Answer 12

Yes you have a right to be angry and hurt.

She is a married woman and shouldn't be out until 3 am drinking with other men.

Answer 13

Your are justified...What she did and said was wrong...I was in the military myself and severed during wartime.  You know how you feel being away from home and whatnot...Now put the shoe on the other foot, she may have the same being separated anxiety.  It takes a really special type of person to be married to someone in the military, your wife probably isn't in that category.  What she did was insensitive, what she was doing was baiting you to make you angry, she is angry herself.  You two have a lot to talk about and this is a better face to face conversation.  

Answer 14

She's an insensitive cow. There's nothing you can do but ask her not to talk about her little adventures.

Answer 15

i dont think your overreacting at all you should be able to trust her while your gone and she should be smarter then to tell you things like that when she knows that you cant do anything about it and how did she honestly expect you to be ok with it. you should explain to her that your not trying to make her defensive but your trying to understand why she would say something like that to you then ask her how she would feel if you  said something like that to her and she was in your shoes and she thought it was a laughing joke and if she dosent understand then your better off finding another partnerr who does

Answer 16

when my husband was in the navy and away for 6 monthes some of the wives would go out with other guys and lie about it. i didn't because i just didn't want to. i didn't socialize with the women but word got to him that i was, it was a lie, they were. anyway, she is an insensitive twit for saying you should n't be mad. she made you feel unimportant and blew you off. you have to trust that she isn't messing around because there isn't anything you can do where you are. maybe you could email friends or family that you trust to keep an eye on her.

Thank you for all you do and i hope you come home soon.