Ladies please?Is flirting online a deal-breaker?

Question

I am madly in love with my gf. When we met, i was on crutches, and really overweight. Since then i have lost over 100lbs and had a total knee and a hip replacement. She has always said I was handsome. So when my self esteem was building, from getting compliments that i was never ever used to. I dabbled on the internet not directly one on one but answering personals and sending out one of my new pix. It was a total ego boost and huge step for my self esteem, i would never cheat on this woman EVER, She is my soul-mate When i close my eyes,its her that i see. I thought her opinion was jaded on my looks, I know it was stupid and vain, but in a way it kinda made me feel better for her, like she really had something, I had been overweight and ridiculed my entire life, it was one way to wrap my head around my new appearance, nothing more. But of course she found out and I have lost her trust, her ex husband got caught having multiple partners he met on-line behind her back, So in her eyes, i am him again.

Answer 1

I understand - not agree with - both sides to this story.  There are other ways to feed your new look and heighten your self esteem.  I don't blame her for feeling scared.  Just show her this Q&A - I really don't think you were up to something other than an ego boost, however if you aren't careful sometimes things escalate and before you know it you are hooked into a situation that is not good.  Be careful...be wise and remember...if you do everything in your day the way you would if others were looking, you will have nothing to worry about.

Answer 2

Although you explained the reasons for what you did, and many people could probably understand and empathize with it, it was still wrong. Ego boost or not, when you have a significant other, you don't go playing online or off as if you are single and flirting and commitment free.

She's got a right to be upset...and if you already knew of her ex's behavior, and played your ego-boost game anyway, that makes it more cruel for her.

Perhaps in time she'll be able to trust and forgive, but it's easy to see why she'd be upset.

If you wouldn't do something in front of your partner, don't do it at all.

If you wouldn't want your partner to do something, then you shouldn't either.

Follow those 2 above guidelines and you shouldn't have to worry about any behavior in the future being considered cheating or inappropriate.

Answer 3

Its great to feel noticed and get that little ego boost, but if she had a previous experience with a man who cheated on her through the internet, then it was probably a stupid idea of you to start getting into that. If I were you, I would do some major *** kissing, delete your dating accounts, stop all together what your doing, and focus on her. Try to make her believe that your not her ex husband. Focus on her and only her.  

Answer 4

Yes, it is a deal breaker.  I understand that you've had lifelong issues with your appearance.  It sounds as if you need to deal with the emotional aspect of your life changes now that you've addressed the physical end.  That would be best done through seeking therapy.  It sounds to me as if you've made the outward changes but haven't let go of your inward insecurity.  You shouldn't need validation from strangers to believe that you're worthy and desirable.  You definitely shouldn't have gone down the path you chose, knowing that it could cause problems with your relationship.  My recommendation is to remove all of your profiles from dating sites and get into counseling.  Strangers aren't going to make you like yourself and an ego boost from them shouldn't be worth risking losing the person you love.

Answer 5

stay off the computer,in her eyes its the same as when she was with her ex,she thought u were one way and imagine how it felt to her to have the love of her life do the same things as her ex did, it is a deal breaker.u will have to win back her trust, as shown by your future actions, stay off the computer and away from all others if u want to regain her trust.

Answer 6

You messed up bad!!!!

Let it go - she deserves someone she can trust.

Answer 7

If you would never cheat on her then why were you answering personal ads?

I dont blame her for losing trust in you i would have too.

If i was her i would not stay with you cause you cant be trust just like her ex husband.

Answer 8

News Flash---yes you DID cheat on her.

Cyber cheating is just as bad and devastating as physical cheating.  

You killed the bond.  The damage is done.  

I have been there and no, I would never even consider a reconciliation if it was me.  

Answer 9

You lied to her, did it behind her back, that is cheating. You don't actually have to have s*x with somebody so you can call it cheating. Don't justify it with your pathetic insecurities, there are other ways to boost your self-esteem without hooking up with women or what you call it 'answering personals'. Why people lie all the time, life would be so easier if everybody was just honest about stupid little things. She probably would have helped you and you could f**k around on internet together and have a laugh. I can only imagine how bad she feels, I hope she'll find somebody who'll be honest with her.