Last minute, uninvited guests

Question

My SIL just called and left a message that she wants to bring her family to come and stay at our house for the weekend (arriving tomorrow-Friday-morning), because they are visiting friends and other family a couple of hours from us and we are on their way home (it's not to even "see" us, it is just to stay here to make their traveling easier).

We actually have plans this weekend that will not happen if they are here, lounging, as they usually do. But, even if we didn't have plans, I just don't appreciate the last minute thing, not even letting us know that they were in the area or that they might just "like to see us" (is it that hard to be nice and at least let us THINK you like us??.). In general, there is already a lot of tension between our family and the IL's on this side of the family (my husband and I are well-educated with advanced degrees, have worked SO hard for all we have, and have done "well"...and there is always this expectation that we will pay for everything when they visit, etc, etc, and that we never need any help ourselves. Neither SIL or BIL work and they live with BIL's mother with their kids. Their entire existence is like modern day gypsies expecting everyone around them to provide for them).

Being together this weekend is NOT going to contribute well to the stress levels and resentment at this point. We just do better doing our "own thing" (and prefer it, frankly). I am not interested in the "get over it and let them come...", etc. recommendations.

I really need to know how to let them know they can't come this weekend, I need a good reason they can't come (because our planned activity will not be considered "important" enough to justify that they can't come-they'd expect us to cancel our plans for them). Also, that we wish they would have given us more notice, and that we're not a hotel/restaurant pit stop when they want to travel. We'd like to be treated with a little more respect in that area overall and want to convey that in our response. We just need some tact in our response, because that is how I was raised.

We need a succint way to convey they can't come with a good, tactful reason to turn them away. Please help.

Answer 1

You don't have to explain, you don't have to justify -- just tell them "Sorry, we have already made plans for the weekend.  If you had called further in advance we may have been able to make other arrangements, but at this late date it is impossible."  Period.  That's short, sweet and tactful.  

Answer 2

You don't have to give them any reason.

you had plans this weekend simple as that.

as long as its not going to start more tension between you and your husband just tell them they cant stay, and if they need a reason, just tell them y'all are going out of town, they didn't care enough to give you notice so you shouldn't be bothered enough to tell the truth. lol

Answer 3

Your "needing a good reason" is the problem. If you raise some specific objection, they will overcome that objection. Then you must escalate to a more dire objection which they will again overcome. Simply tell them "I'm sorry but it's impossible." If pressed for details, say "It just doesn't work for us" and "We absolutely cannot do this." Finally, end with "I'm sorry, but I'll have to say good-bye now."

The principle is that your home is your "castle" and don't owe anybody an explanation for not allowing them to simply drop in and partake of your hospitatlity at will.

If they have the nerve to show up anyhow, don't open the door. Shout from a window or call their cell phone and tell them "I'm sorry you misunderstood our conversation this morning. We're not able to invite you in." If necessary, theaten to call the police to have them removed from the area.

Yes, you are going to catch a lot of flak over this. Only you can decide whether is worth the flak to establish that YOU are in control of your home and these people are allowed to be your guest ONLY with your express permission.  

Answer 4

If you and your spouse are in agreement that you don't like them, then tell them it's inconvenient for them to stay with you and recommend a cheap hotel/motel that they can stay in. Not giving any explanations is the best way to go. Be  prepared that they get offended. You shouldn't care anyway. If you do care that they get offended, then you have to give in and please them. It's either you or them. You have to make a choice. Love yourself first.

Answer 5

Ok as hard as it will be, I would be blunt and to the point....sorry but we have plans that we are not willing to break. We'd love for you to visit another time when we will be available. You don't owe them explanations. I have a sil like this. She thinks the world revolves around her and is always being snotty to me and I finally grew a backbone and give it right back. We don't always get along but I'm not being walked allover anymore. I know it's hard but for your sake JUST say NO! :) Good Luck and I feel for you.

Bethany

Answer 6

Only you can decide if you're going to be taken advantage of.

Answer 7

you have plans...pre-planned things come before the unplanned...unless it's like a medical emergency or something...just let 'em know that you will be unable to take any guests because you have plans! :)  

Answer 8

You had no notice, you have made other plans and you cannot change them now. See how easy that was? And it's all true. So get the message to her and perhaps next time she won't be so thoughtless and inconsiderate. She is rude careless and unbelievably thoughtless. She doesn't even deserve that much of an explanation. And that's all you need to give her, period. As you said they are not even coming to see you you are just a convenient stop on their way somewhere else.

Answer 9

Ugh, I feel for you. What I would do is call her and in my most genuinely sorry-sounding voice, say "I'm so sorry but (husband's name) and I have already made plans this weekend. If I'd had more notice I would've been able to accommodate you guys". And if she asked me what our plans were I would say "Sorry, but it's personal".

Don't get too attached to how she feels about your response. All you can do is protect yourself and your space in the most polite manner possible and let go.