Lazy, inconsiderate fiancee- what to do?

Question

We've been together 3.5 years, so you would think that we were used to each other's habits and tendencies by now. I used to be much more high maintenance, but because he is so laid back I have loosened up a lot. He, however, remains very lazy and inconsiderate. He almost NEVER thinks of how to make me feel special, or do nice things for me just because. Basically, he does the bare minimum to make me not angry-- but he is very loyal and honest. He becomes sleepy easily, and when that happens he just forgets about everything like previous commitments or dates- and just heads for bed. When confronted about the missed appointments, he doesn't apologize- just says that "we can do that now if you like". He's just a very bare minimum, extremely low maintenance guy who is thoughtless (not on purpose but just as a matter of personality) and stubbornly one-track minded. I am trying very hard to accept him the way he is, but I always try very hard to demonstrate love for him through thoughtful things and being responsible for commitments. He doesn't appreciate or notice most of them, and certainly doesn't learn from them. I'm trying to also remember that love is not about repayment or what you get back, but after a while of all giving and no receiving, I'm exhausted. What can I do?

Answer 1

You see what you do as being considerate of his feelings.  Is that what he wants as well?  You have to both be on the same page and work to give each other what your significant other wants, not what you think is being considerate.  For example, if he feels that you making him dinner is something that makes him feel special but you feel that giving him a massage is what should make him feel special, then your not making him dinner is going to make him feel like you don't care about him.  

I'm not saying that you don't make him dinner--I'm just giving you an example.  I wonder if you were both to sit down and list the Top Five things that make you both feel special, you might be surprised at what's on his list, just as he would be surprised by what's on yours.  Like you said, I don't think he's doing this inconsiderate thing on purpose--it's just the way that his brain works.  If he forgets dates and you know he forgets them, would writing them on a Family Calendar help?  Or if he heads off to bed and then you remind him, go with it when he says, "We can do it now if you want," instead of being upset that he didnt' remember in the first place.

There's probably nothing you can really do to change his normal actions.  He has to be willing to change and you have to tell him what being considerate of your feelings looks like.  You just can't expect him to know.

Answer 2

Doesn't sound like you are 100% sure he is the one (and I don't blame you for thinking that).  Take a weekend to YOURSELF and do some soul searching.  I think you will find the answer that you are looking for.

Good luck!

Answer 3

You can't do anything to change him because that's who he is.  What you can do is decide if you want to marry him or not.    

Answer 4

That cake is already baked if ya want a different flavor get a different cake

Answer 5

Dump him... hurry. Why would you marry him? think it's going to get better?

Answer 6

wow, i think we're with the same man, seriously, he sounds just like my husband. i will come back and read the answers because my husband is the same way. I go out of my way to make him feel loved and remembered and he lazily doesn't make an effort to please me or romance me. He did in the beginning of the relationship but not anymore.  It gets tiring. Now, I find myself posting questions about us, because I just don't know what to do with him. He's a nice guy and means well, but what the h**l, buy me some d**n flowers, right?! Well, good luck.

Answer 7

There is nothing you can do. My husband is the same way. When we were ready to get married (not even a month before the wedding) I simply told him that things needed to change or it was off. Well, they changed... for a week and went right back to normal... and like an idiot I always thought things would get better or if I did enough for the both of us it would work out HOWEVER I learned quickly that doing enough for the both of us, and me being the 'take care of it all' person I just got tired and sick of it FAST. So my best suggestion is that if you don't like this you seriously need to re-think the idea of getting married. You have to think long and hard about whether or not you can live like this for the rest of your life. I know you may love him but love can only go so far and tolerate so much. Especially if you ever want to have kids... his actions will only be more apparent and aggravating (believe me!) So that is what you should do.. think about if THIS is what you REALLY want forever and if you think you can handle then do it.. if you don't think you can handle don't do it ... but either way he will NEVER change (maybe for a little while) but a zebra can't change it's stripes.

Answer 8

You've been together 3.5 years?  Surely you know him by now.  The guy is just himself.  If you feel you need to try to change him then it's not worth being together.  Seems he does love you in his own way and if that isn't good enough then you should be thinking about moving on.  It's dishonest to stay in a relationship that doesn't meet your expectations.  You are entitled to expect, you are not entitled to try to change someone.

We all are different.  If you don't like it .... just go.

Answer 9

The only thing you can do is ask yourself if you are willing to live the rest of your life like this? He is not going to change, that will never happen.  So either you can accept him the way he is....or decide that you want more out of a relationship and move on.  

Answer 10

Honestly....you need to get a new fiance!! Its not gonna get any better once you are married, he will probably get worse. So dump him before it is too late and find someone that can put some effort into the relationship. He can go live his half-a**  life on his own.

Answer 11

ok so labels like lazy and inconsiderate are unhelpful here.  what you have is a mismatch of needs.  he needs rest, spontaneity, freedom.  you need consideration, dependability, equality.  obviously they are not matching.  i see you've tried to understand his needs.  he is doing the bare minimum to keep you, so he's keeping you.  if the bare minimum to keep you goes up (in terms of committment, consideration etc.) to keep pace with your needs, we don't know if he will continue doing it or not.  basically it's your needs that are not getting met.  sounds like you are having trouble living with that.  talk to him, tell him your needs are not getting met.  listen to his needs; in the end you will have to decide whether to continue accepting the relationship or not.

Answer 12

Well just keep going and get married because I AM SURE he will change into the prince you have been waiting for these past years.

I am kidding, by the way.

If you don't know what to do, you really have issues with self esteem.

Answer 13

Okay you're still with someone who is very lazy and inconsiderate... why? Because you've invested 3.5 years and don't feel like you deserve a decent man?

End it and move on. You're not obligated to waste your life with this loser. Love is about being responsible and mature-- he's neither.

Answer 14

consider the fact hes not for you. nice guy or not, intentional or not, these things add up, grate over time and ruin a relationship.

as the old saying goes, it takes two...