Leaving abusive husband tomorrow, but i'm having second thoughts?

Question

I am 35, been married 14 years and we have a daughter who's 8 and a son who's 6. Very verbal/emotional/mental/economically abusive and has been physical in the past and threatening now when I stand up for myself.

I have finally got the nerve to leave again ( i've left 3 times over the years and came back out of fear and loneliness), this time I know it will be the end of our marriage. Actually it doesn't feel like a marriage, it feels like h**l sometimes and miserable most of the time but there are a few good moments. I've been calling shelters for months and they never had any room at all and I called earlier today and they have a room available for me and the kids to share with another family (women and kids only). They help to get abused women on our feet. But why am I so nervous?

I am feeling so sad and confused even though I feel it's the right thing. Tried counseling and he never went more than like 3 times and blames me for everything. Nothing is ever good enough, even if I do something special he'll throw it in my face later and say he didn't need me to do whatever it was that i did for him. All he seems to really care about is if i'm doing whatever he wants like housework, cooking, etc.

We've lost our home (in an apt. right now), he spends most of the money on ebay buying sports figurines and other things he don't need. I am just feeling so stupid because I am sitting here texting him asking him if he's sure this is what HE wants..and let's talk about this etc.. and he's at work just texting back that he's busy (yet he won't answer the question).

He already told me earlier that there's too many women out here for him to keep putting up with me not wanting to be a good wife to him. I did want to be a good wife, but no matter what i do, eventually he'll find something to get mad about. I am at my wits end, I am tired, I am unhappy, and my kids said they want to leave even though my daughter was sad earlier. I am just do d**n confused!! I know marriage is supposed to be forever but he just don't seem to really care and he never puts me first or our family. Why am I so confused and do you think i should just take this chance on faith and leave tomorrow?

Answer 1

The answer to your question is a mute point!! The obvious CORRECT answer would be YES get out walk away never look back!!! This is not rocket science you have kids right, save them and leave!!

Being scared, nervous, and having feelings of doubt are part of the process of leaving the abuser. Let me ask you are you not more scared when time rolls around that he be home from work...aren't you more scared that one of your kids sees or gets in the middle of you two when he is in the process of hitting you...aren't you more scared that one day he might kill you...and he be left to raise your children...No matter what you unknowingly face while leaving him your future and whatever out there that will be put there in place for you to use to help you adjust to a potentially wonderful life will without a doubt or stumble be far better for you than where you are now!! I would bet on my own life this statement, what I share with you in this is the absolute truth nothing more nothing less YOUR LIFE AND THE LIFE OF YOUR KIDS DEPEND ON YOU MAKING THE RIGHT DECISION

Answer 2

It's going to be hard after 14 years, that's inevitable. The good news is that you are making a healthy decision for both your children and yourself. Afraid to leave? Yeah, this is normal, you are making a major life change and it is confusing. Too many women for your husband? Well, lets look at reality. Once most women find out how he truly is, they'll run quickly in the opposite direction. The only reason you've stayed so long is because you've put so much time into this and have his children and possibly still love him despite his wrong doings. He'll be a lonely old fool for quite a while until he changes his ways. This was just another form of abuse to keep you there. Go find a better lifestyle for you and your kids. I commend you for making plans and having the gumption to leave before things possibly get worse. I'd stop asking what he wanted, it isn't about him, it's about you and the kids. Sadly, not all marriages make it, on the flip side there are just as many men for you to find that will treat you with the respect you and your kids deserve.Good luck, and I wish nothing but the best for you!

Answer 3

visit the website www.loveandrespect.com this website will explain why your having problems and what to do about it. please hold off on leaving your husband. also google dr gary chapman.

Answer 4

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I think you should take the chance and leave him. Of course I'm going only by what you have said so I don't know the 'good' side of your husband...if there is one. But physical abuse (in the past or present) is a deal breaker. You should never of had to put up with that. And him being verbally abusive and stuff that is just not good. Life is way to short to spend it with some jerk who is going to treat you like dirt. If you would like to chat sometime IM me  on Yahoo screen name  happilymarriedmrsc   or IM me or aol or aim   Julydiva727  

I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 5

oh yes, please leave with your kids. don't think about marriage is forever and all that, as much as that's what we want to think, if you are in such a relationship, there's no point staying. forget your vows. he has already forgotten anyway to be a good husband and good provider. do not think if its right anymore. you have the chance to leave, leave. i wonder if you're confused or scared? or both? i guess its just reality having to sink in. as you said, you've been married for 14 years, its gonna be a big change. and having your kids depending on you maybe makes you think twice about leaving. we all want our family to be together. you wouldn't want your kids to have to go through this but it will be worse if you stay. its a big step but once you make this first move, you'll realize maybe you should have left a long time ago.

you're young, 35? so much more to life.

i hope you find your happiness. take care.

Answer 6

Well I look at it this way.  Better to get out at 35 than say at 45 or 55.  The longer you wait the older you get and the harder it will be to get into the dating scene again.  My husband just told me that he wanted a divorce from me because he was tired of me threatening him with divorce.  It was the only tool I could use to snap him into shape since he didn't want to go to marriage counseling. He still plans to go through with it.  Now do I have the fear of being alone?  You bet.  And I get to take over the mortgage.  Talk about fear.  But I'm a fighter and will keep looking ahead.  I'm thankful this is happening at age 38 for me and not at 48.  I still have my youthfulness to be able to look for someone new.  Not saying at age 48 I couldn't find someone but I still have my energy to start fresh and not feel drained.  I say do it now or ruin your life with this man.  You sound miserable. Honey please take care of you and find your way out of this marriage.  Know times might be tough at first but know that if you want someone to share your life with you will make yourself available to be with someone else.  Good luck to you sweetie.  We will both make it.

Answer 7

leave him before children get heart

Answer 8

Yes! It is important to remove yourself and your children from this situation! Surround yourself with positive people. Yes it will be hard and you know this but I believe that you can do it and that you should do it. You know when a situation is toxic and you obviously have realized it in this relationship. You have done a great job so far by identifying the problem and searching for ways to get out. This is an important step and I think that once out of the situation you will be happier and your children will be in a peaceful and safe environment. Please take the steps to emotional freedom. You can do this! Best of luck to you and your children.

Answer 9

yes marriage indeed is supposed to be forever but to me u're more being in h**l then in a marriage. see even ur kids are ready to leave him. isn't that a clear enough sign. look u're an adult. eventhough he treats u like ****, u still went back to him, not once but thrice, just cos of "some beautiful moments spent together". u see now in ur life ur children shud be most important to you. leave for thier sake. cos if u don't, it will greatly effect them. being married for 14 yrs is a very long time. but if ur partner is abusive, even 4 minutes are like h**l. u're not doin any wrong. pls gather all ur energy and courage and leave him. moreever there's even a room available after months of searching. don't lose it. i'm sure when u left him earlier and went back to him, u must have thought tat he wud change, rite. so if after 3 times coming back, he's still the same, why wud u think that he will change now. and he have the ball to tell u that there are many other women out there waiting for him. he doesn't value u or ur luv. so why wait? wat if one day, he did something really bad to you, or one of the kids, then wat. yes i agree sometimes we have to give someone a second chance to change, but when the person doesn't want to change when given many chances, wats the point. anyway tis is ur life. i can only offer advise. but do think of the children. if they can think of leaving thier dad, just imagine how much hatred or fear they must have for that man.

Answer 10

Hi,sorry for what ur going through but aim sure Honey you will realize u did the right thing when you leave,if you heart still feel u stay why dont u sit en talk if you really have to save you marriage try to there for him even though it can be hard ,but dear know that u deserve to be happy no matter what so try ur best en make the right decision u know what just listen to the honest person ,follow ur heart.

All da best God bless

Answer 11

Anyone giving you any piece of advice other than to leave him is just being intentionally crass.

This is a textbook case of abuse, and unless you want to become another textbook battered housewife, or want your kids to grow up in an abusive household (even if it's not to them, abuse like that still effects children deeply), you need to leave him and move on.

Yes, it may be hard financially and emotionally for a while, but you are able to do it.

Best of luck.

Answer 12

Honey, get the h**l out of there!  You are just feeling anxious.  Yes, marriage is supposed to be forever, if it is a healthy relationship.  You have every right to leave, not only for your safety but for the safety of your children.  By staying with him, what are you teaching your children about marriage and relationship?  You need to get out ASAP and don't look back!  God will provide you with whatever you need, just pray and ask him for help.

Answer 13

GET OUT!  You are only teaching your children to get involved in an abusive relationship when they begin to date...what children see in the home are the homes they create as adults.  Do it for you and the kids!

Answer 14

You remind me a lot of myself.

You're probably afraid of a few things. You don't want to appear to have failed your husband/marriage/children. You're afraid of being alone. You're afraid you won't be able to make it without him. You're afraid he IS right and he'll find total happiness without you (he won't, btw). You're afraid you won't be able to stay gone, and will have to come back to him.

Those are my fears anyway. What you need to do is just go. Get out of there for at least 6 months. Do AT LEAST 6 months totally on your own, with minimal contact with him. Don't text back and forth or talk to one another unless it's about your children. Trust me, it'll get easier. Right now you're emotionally raw and extremely insecure because of the way your marriage was. In a way you feel like he's your protector, but in actuality he's the one hurting you and you need to see that. If for nothing else, for the sake of your kids. Your son will grow up thinking this is ok, and your daughter will inevitably find a man who shows the same values her own father did when it comes to the way a man treats his wife. Be strong. Leave.