Legalized b*****d? How many of you are ok with this?

Question

Ok, I've learned a lot since I've been on this board. I realize that everyone can voice their opinion and my situation is VERY different than a lot of peoples.

However, I'm an adoptee, I happy non-reunited, adoptee...I've met my birth mother and all she wants is money. I'm not bitter, I'm luckier than the kids she kept (I understand she gave a least one more child up and kept 2).

Anyway, I just read a question in which an adoptee responded by calling us adoptees legalized b******s....and that people don't like adoptees because we are legalized b******s to help adoptive parents avoid the stigma of raising illegitmate children.

Imagine if another member of the triad said that! I am not ranting (although I am really hurt...I respected the person a lot), I really want to know who else is ok with this. Anyone else upset and shocked?

Answer 1

I am NOT a legalized b*****d!!! I'm just the regular type of b*****d tyvm. I was born illegitimate and that makes me a b*****d. Once again I will quote Randall in Clerks 2 "I'm takin it back!"

   bas·tard

Pronunciation:

    \ˈbas-tərd\

Function:

    noun

Etymology:

    Middle English, from Anglo-French, probably of Germanic origin; akin to OldFrisian bost marriage, Old English bindan to bind

Date:14th century

1: an illegitimate child

2: something that is spurious, irregular, inferior, or of questionable origin

3 a: an offensive or disagreeable person —used as a generalized term of abuse

Answer 2

Nope, not OK with it. People can call themselves whatever they want, but that title will not be used by or about me.

Answer 3

I think where I am (Australia) that word has lost its original meaning.  Remember when "g*y" meant you were happy, but now no one in their right mind would use that word for that purpose.  Well here the word "b*****d" is almost a term of endearment.  Blokey blokes (mens men) use it like "Oh, you lucky b*****d", or "How you doin, you b*****d".  They are actually saying that to people they like.  I personally do not use it, as it's not a word of choice for me and I'm not a Blokey bloke.

I don't think people here (where I am) would actually use it to insult people who are adopted or refer to people born out of wedlock by that word unless they are particularly mean or ignorant (and that is more their problem).  Actually, no one I know care if anyone was, as it happens so often here, no one even blinks when people have kids and they are not married.  If people do still care about it, then I don't know who they are (except maybe some die hard Christians, but even the ones I know wouldn't treat anyone differently)

In relation to adoption, no one I know cares about the fact a child is born a out wedlock, more so about where the kids are from and how they came to be adopted .

And please I'm just saying my own experience, I totally respect if some people are still hurt by this term.

Answer 4

Wow - what a great question.  Is this not the crux of adoption?  Who is more stigmatized?  Legalized b******s or real b******s?

I am not okay with the "b*****d" word applied to either the adopted child or the "kept" child who is further stigmatized by being kept in his/her family of origin.  The word is used to marginalize an innocent person in either case.

Yes, I am upset and shocked.  There are legalized and real b******s in my family.  I will happily go into the parking lot and throw punches with anyone who does not respect their membership in our family.

Answer 5

d**n...I just realized my oldest bio-child is a b*****d. I honestly did not even know people still used this word to describe a child that is born to parents that are not married.

Please don't take offense. Like Phil said, it is all about the adoptee owning the word.

Answer 6

No child should be called a "b*****d"  - there are no illegitimate children.  All children are special, and as an adoptee and also and adoptive parent it is very insulting to be called a b*****d of any kind- even legalized.  I was born to a birth mom that loved me so much that she chose to place me in the arms of a couple that desired to have a child- same with the birth moms of my 2 adopted children.  Whoever said that we are legalized b******s to help adoptive parents avoid "THE STIGMA" of raising illegitimate children, are cruel and do not understand that children are precious, and never illegitimate, even though some birth moms cannot raise them. Remember children never asked to be born, however they were created for a purpose.  This question sickens me- from both an adoptee and a adoptive parents viewpoint. Anyone who thinks this is right, needs some serious help.

Answer 7

I realize that what I said has offended you and I'm sorry you were offended. If you research the history of adoption, thats the truth. Yes its offensive, and yes it hurts, but thats the truth.

Denying the truth doesn't change it.

Have you researched the history to sealing records?

They were sealed because the stigma from being born "illegitimate" was SO powerful that the govt. took it upon themselves to "protect" the adoptive families and adoptees from being socially outcasted by society as well as protecting them from "birth" parents.

Did you know that the states used to stamp illegitimate across adoptees original birth certificates before they sealed them?

Do you know what another word for illegitimate is? b*****d.

Have you ever heard of b*****d Nation? They are the Adoptee Rights Advocacy group for the united states fighting for the restoration of the unconditional access to our original birth certificates.

Now you can be a "happy" adoptee, a "grumpy" adoptee, a "sleepy" adoptee, a "sneezy" adoptee, it doesn't change what history has done to US as a group of people who happen to be adopted.

Nothing I said was my opinion, it was history. If you are offended then stand up and voice that opinion against the STATE. Because THEY are the ones holding your records hostage with outmoded depression-era laws.

Its very interesting that people are choosing to point the finger to ME, as if I'M the insulting one for "acknowledging" the suppression being done to all adopted people who EVER have had their records sealed. If you are adopted, or have adopted and the adoptees records were SEALED(regardless if you got the birth certificate BEFORE it was sealed, or if you are even in an open adoption), then they are being stigmatized by the state. So take it up with the state. Its not like I "made it up" for attention. Its not like I'm trying to say things JUST to hurt people. Look into your history books ITS RIGHT THERE.

Records weren't originally sealed from the adoptees, they were first kept opened to the adoptee and adoptive family only. At this point they were sealed ONLY FROM THE PUBLIC due to the stigma of being a b*****d. It wasn't until Georgia Tann came along and began her black market adoption ring that records started sealing from the adoptees to cover up child trafficking because she was getting state affiliates little adopted children illegally and who has the power to seal and unseal records? the state.

Which is why I'll be protesting this July 22, 2008 at the Annual State legislatures Convention to change those laws, to free the STIGMA placed upon ME and every other adoptee of yesterday, today and tomorrow who has ever had their records sealed. If that sealing has happened then YOU TOO are being called an illegitimate worthy of having your records sealed to protect you from the SHAME of being born out of wedlock.

Ever wondered why so many people "pressure" unwed couples to get married BEFORE the unexpected baby is born? *gasp* nobody wants a "b*****d." Infact you are even insulted to find out you've been put into that group against your will by the state.

Why is it okay for the state to legally convict you and your identity for being born illegitimate, but its not okay for me to acknowledge what they're doing to you?

Angel, that was totally uncalled for.

Answer 8

i'm loud and proud!

i'm a b*****d.  it's a technical term.  why freak out about it????

Answer 9

Wow, I haven't read that post...but if anyone called my children a legalized b*****d, heads would roll!

Whether the term is dictionary precise or not, we know what the normal indication of the word "b*****d" means...it's like the N word for black people.  It's a NEGATIVE, defaming word.

My children share their adoption story with their friends, and their friends are completely happy and comfortable with them.

Perhaps that poster lives in some sort of podunk place that refuses to take on a progression of the new ways or something.

(((HUGS))) you are NOT a b*****d.  You are a person, a GOOD person!

Answer 10

although i am not adopted, i don't think it is right for someone who is an adoptee to be called a legalized basard... being an adoptive parent is something to be proud of, i would concider adopting if i could not have children of my own, and maybe even if i do!! children are not adopted because they are not wanted, they are adopted because someone wants them, and loves them, and there is no reason to be ashamed of raising a child that is not "blood family" as long as the parent/child believe they are a "heart family", a bond sometimes stronger than blood!! i think that if someone is an adoptive parent, they would be pround of that....

Answer 11

o boy i dont know what to say to this cant help

Answer 12

I'm a b*****d.  I own that word so that it cannot be used against me.  Blacks and women understand that one way to undermine the power of words is to take ownership of those words used to degrade.  I am a b*****d.  If another adoptee calls me a b*****d, I wear that with pride.  If a non-adoptee were to call me a b*****d, there would be h**l to pay.  

I'm not shocked.  I'm not upset.  I'm not bitter.  But I am a b*****d.

ETA:  I assume the thumbs down on the answer that refers only to what I call myself is that someone disagrees that I'm a b*****d?  How odd.  But I forget, only angry adoptees give thumbs down.  Hmmm...

ETA2: The negative reactions in some of the answers here are precisely why we have to take the word back.  People use the term "b*****d" know what the "the normal indication" of the word is.  It lacks "grace, caring, dignity, respect for country/self/religion and more."  But I am a b*****d.  It is what society viewed me as when it demanded my mother relinquish me to another couple, to "spare" me the indignity of being a "b*****d."  Being rescued from that stigma is what caused the problem in the first place.  I don't need rescued a second time.

I'm a b*****d.  If you aren't, fine.  If you don't want to be called that, fine.  But you aren't going to make me feel small for it anymore.

Answer 13

Hi Maggie~

You wrote that you're a "happy non-reunited, adoptee", then say you've met our birth mother.  That IS reunited. Reunion doesn't necessarily mean that you have an ongoing relationship. It simply means that you've met or know your first mother/family.

I think Gershom did an excellent job explaining what "legalized b*****d" means...the history, use & meaning of the word, as well as it's role in adoption & sealed records.  Phil and many others explained the point of "owning the word" so that others can't use it to hurt (us).  

I'd just like to add my 2 cents, if I may.  

I have always believed that the term "b*****d" in reference to a child is ridiculous.  It's not the child's fault if the parents aren't married. So why the social stigma on a kid?  As some have pointed out, the term is pretty much outdated. No one really uses it to stigmatize children today (as much as was done in decades past).  

Amazingly, I discovered that MANY Catholic Popes were illegitimate!  Shocking, eh?  Who knew?  Not only that, but they FATHERED many illegitimate children.  Which kinda makes me wonder, what's the big deal then?

When I found my first mom, I learned that she was married when I was born.  So 'legally', I'm not a b*****d.  Darn it! Made me feel kinda left out.  I love the idea of "b*****d Nation".  I get the tongue in cheek humor in that. Thanks to my friends here, I'm an "honorary b*****d". Makes me kinda proud to be counted among this fine group!  

Now the irony in the fact that I'm "legally" not a b*****d, is that although my first mom was married when I was born, she was not married to my birth father.  It's a loop hole in the law.  I am "technically" a b*****d. Under the law in  Britain & Wales, I'm a b*****d. Confusing, eh?  And all a bit arbitrary, IMHO.

Hopefully the answers here will help take the sting out of the word for you.  And you'll come to embrace the word as so many adoptees have.  Loud & Proud! Absolutely!

PS I really love the Aussie use of the word.  "You lucky b*****d!"  : )  Now that's funny....

PSS Reminds me of a bumper sticker.  "I may be a [3itch, but I'm not YOUR [3itch!"  Oh, how I hated the word at one time. But that makes me laugh!

Answer 14

b*****d is simply a word that means a child born out of wedlock.  Well, lots of adopted persons were born out of wedlock, making us b******s.  I don't have a problem with it.  

Part of having legalized adoptions with sealed records was to keep the b*****d status of the adoptee a secret from the neighbors.  

In some states, having a father's name removed from the birth certificate is legally referred to as "bastardization."  It wasn't all that long ago that someone I know took a picture in Nevada at the Dept. of Vital Records.  It was of a sign that gave fees for their services.  One service offered was "bastardization."  It cost $15.00 at the time.

The fact that society took the word b*****d and turned it into a derogatory term is very telling of what society truly thinks of b******s.

Answer 15

I don't really think my opinion should count for much, because it isn't about me, but...

I don't have a problem with people taking back a formerly derogatory term used to describe them -- and reclaiming it as a postive term. Actually, I think it is very cool and applaud people for doing things like that. I do it myself. I'm q***r and I'm a witch. Ha!      

(Okay, okay, semi-q***r and pagan-lite, but still...)

Now for someone outside of the group to use it can be a different thing. Some terms, like "g*y" have become so widespread that they are used by everyone. Some, like the n-word, probably can't ever be reclaimed. In between there are a bunch of terms I am personally totally cool with someone using to describe themself, but would not use myself to describe someone else, and would be very uncomfortable with someone else outside of the group using.

For me, b*****d is one of these terms. I think it is great that so many on here are reclaiming the word and proudly calling themselves b******s. But I still would never call them that, unless maybe they personally begged me to. And even then I'd be uncomfortable.

If you don't want to be described that way, then of course you should not use the term. I haven't seen any of those using the term to describe someone else, just themself or a group that includes them. It is hard, though, when terms are in transition and are not yet fully reclaimed. I can see why you might feel included in the group, as an adoptee, and might even feel offended, but I'm sure the term wasn't used to offend or hurt you -- probably quite the opposite, actually.

Answer 16

Hi Maggie,

No, I'm not upset or shocked at that word.  Adoptees are taking the word back so it cannot hurt & shame us any longer.  Gershom gave a very thorough & accurate answer.    

I'm proud to stand united with my b*****d friends as we work for equality.  Thanks for asking.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 17

There is an entire adoptee run organization which is called...

...b*****d Nation.

Their description:

"Uses humor and outrage in equal measure to advocate for the civil and human rights of adult citizens who were adopted as children."

Don't be offended they are a great group! Check 'em out here:

www.b******s.org

I love them. They have been a resource for me many times.

And it goes without saying that people should be called what they are comfortable with.

Gershom - I was writing my answer when you posted yours and didn't see it 'til just now. Personally, I think you rock!

Answer 18

See the mindset? How degrading to refer to thyself in such a derogatory manner. It is a rather sad and pathetic attempt at drawing attention to oneself. Does anyone have any respect for themselves anymore? And these are the people who want to advocate for today's younger adoptees? This is just another piece of propaganda for the adoption-haters.

Answer 19

I have no problem with adoptees referring to themselves that way.  It's a bit like an African American person referring to themselves as a 'n@gg*r" - that's entirely up to them and the context in which it's used; usually to define one's own experience.

I don't find people here nitpicking about people on this board frequently referring to "Unwed Mothers" -  talk about stigmatizing and perpetuating the shame of yesteryear!

Answer 20

I'm a b*****d - and I'm fine with it.

Each to their own.

ETA: Love how people get their knickers in a twist!!!

The question asked - 'who is ok with the term?'

I said I'm fine with it.

Get a grip people.

ETA2: Interesting that it's mostly the adoptive parents that are in a spin about the term!!!

And it's not even about them.

Ha.

Oh - but wait - they think it is - right?!

Answer 21

Disgusted, yes, shocked, no.  Today's society seems to have lost touch with grace, caring, dignity, respect for country/self/religion and more.  

My son is an adoptee and if anyone ever called him that, I'd probably whoop their behind, which is what the childish person who said it needed (NOT a beating, but a spanking, if they are so immature to do c**p like that!)

Ironically, both my son's first parents signed the papers, and he was "legitimate" (I hate that term).   My first son, age 19 now, is considered illegitimate because the marriage to his father was annulled.  Does this mean I've legally unlegimatized my adopted son????  I'm a single mom!

Answer 22

I hate being adopted, but I'm proud to call myself a b*****d.

Answer 23

This is an out dated term. No one should be called a b*****d adopted or not. Grant it if someone wants to refer themselves as something that is their business. If a black person wants to call themselves the N word or if a woman wants to refer to herself as the B word, white person wants to call themselve the c word. Again their business. That said I don’t think someone should imply that others are this [any] word or are ok with being called or referred to in a derogatory term.   Instead the person should have said “I am a legalized bastard” that implies they are just speaking about themselves and not put this term on to others who are not ok with this word.

Many people are born out of wedlock probably more then those who are born of  a married couple.