Letters to an adopted child..?

Question

I'm a birth mother of a 7 year old,

and also a perfectly good single mother to an almost 2 year old.

My first was taken against my will due to the social service's profitable child snatcing craze in britain at the moment.

They encourage me to write to my adoped son, I haven't yet,

and I get pictures and photos from him.

My big qustion is;

What on earth can a birth mother say?

I can only think; 'you should be with me'

It tears me up and they want me to act all happy slappy in letters, it wouldn't be sincere to smile at the situation whilst it kills me inside and it's just all so wrong it's unbarable,

but I want the best for him,

what can I do?

This situation is just f****ed eyond elief .

Please someone help, noone understands..

Answer 1

What a mess.

I'm so so sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

Know that you are not alone.

Here is a link to a great forum I know - where you can find many other first mothers -

http://adoptionthreads.com/forum/index.p...

Here are some more links that may be of use -

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/

http://www.originsnsw.com/

http://www.adoptingback.com/

Reach out to those that have also lost children to adoption.

As an adoptee - I would have loved to have received letters and photos from my first family - to know some things about them - to know that I was loved and thought about.

Heartbreakingly hard - I know.

Not much help - sorry.

I wish you all the best.

(hugz)

ETA: Please ignore those who are ignorant and arrogant.

They have there own agendas to procure more babies from unsespecting mothers.

Answer 2

Suzy: If you think she should be referring to her relinquished child as a "birth child", then what on EARTH are her other children? Womb-children?

:\

Answer 3

It is a mess.  Our child's bio parents were asked to write him letters on their last visit.  While I don't understand what it was like 7 years ago in Britain withe the child snatching craze...our situation is a little different...and I AM sorry for your loss!  Our little ones mother was very sincere in her letter and it talked about our situation...that it's better that he is with us at the moment...stuff like that.  But she also wrote how much she loves him and called him the special nick name she had for him and just repeatedly wrote how much she loved him.  I would start with this....but I also wouldn't say much about whatever happend and would talk bad about anyone including the bio father, even if he is not in the picture.  

Good luck to you and I hope that one day you can have a relationship with your child!  Just take your time as he doesn't understand much at this age...but be honest with him...it will be the best for the two of you!

Answer 4

What can you do?'

Well the most important thing for you to do is to focus on your child and give her your best.

Wallowing in excuses and a deluded sense of conspiracy is not going to help your child or your birth child.

Focus on making the most of yourself and continuing to be a wonderful parent to your child. She needs you to be well and focused on the her best interests.

Answer 5

I feel your pain. Your child is only 7 so you can't say much, he will not understand your pain. You can tell him how much you love him and how much you miss him. Tell him a little about his other family so that when and if he ever wants to meet you, he will know about you.

Start a scrapbook. I just finished one for my daughter who is now 36. It has pictures of every member of our family and stories too. She was thrilled to get it.  

I am so sorry that you have to live through pain. It's a living h**l at times.  

Answer 6

aaaack.  i'm so sorry.  i'm also sorry suzie has to be so mean.

anyway- as an adoptee, i would have killed to get letters from my mother!!!!  she could never have said anything wrong.  even if she had just written, "i think of you sometimes...." i would have been over the moon.

omg...,please write that letter as soon as you feel strong enough:)

Answer 7

Fubar is a perfect expression for what adoption has become today.

I would get an attorney and see what else can be done to get visitation.

I would write about how much you are waiting to see him and how much you love him and never stopped. Your child needs to feel he wasn't abandoned and that his nmother wants him in her life. When he gets older you can fill in the details of how he was stolen from you by his adoptive parents and the corrupt system.  I'm sorry they are doing this to you. I believe in Karma and it will come back to bite them in the a**.    If you suspect any abuse emotional or physical report it every chance you get. I'm not familiar with the UK's system but from what I've read  it appears just as bad as the US system.   Hang in there, your son needs you and I guarantee he longs to be with you as well as misses you.  

Answer 8

There is a list of 20 or so things that adoptees wish they knew on www.bastardnation.com   That would at least be a place to start.

My big question throughout life was:  WHY did you give me away?  

Answer 9

I'm so sorry.  My heart is aching for you so much!

I am an adopted person who was placed in a closed adoption as an infant.  I reunited with my natural mother about 4 years ago and my natural father a little after that. My natural parents have not been in contact with one another since just before I was 2 but my mom gave me every detail she could (most importantly, his name -- which I did not have) to help me find him.

I never had anything from/about her in my childhood except the one-page typed "non-identifying" information provided to my parents at the time of my placement (which I 'stole' from their file when I was 14).  Not one of my proudest moments, but my parents know about it and have forgiven me.  They just didn't understand how driven I would be for any teeny tiny bit of info I could get.  :-)  They understand now.

When my mom and I reunited, which was through email at first as we live over 2100 miles apart, she included in her letters some 'excerpts' from her journals over the years.  This gave me a glimpse of who she was at different times in her life.  I have been so grateful for those things.  When we reunited in person (about 10 months after 'first contact') she handed me a stack of her journals and just let me "go to town" learning as much as I care to about every aspect of herself she had recorded for many, many years.  :-)

With those things and the photos from her past (including even before I was born) I feel I've been given the gift of knowing her -- as much as is possible -- as a real person (she has always been VERY real to me) with good and bad feelings, happy and sad days, anger, frustration, joy, pain, confusion, embarrassment...the whole lot.

One thing she had a really hard time with, for the first few months, was letting me 'see' any of the negative stuff.  The sadness, hurt, anger, despair, loss, grief...etc.  She so deeply wanted our reunion to be joyful and to make sure I understood how happy she was to have me in her life in ANY manner and how willing she was to let me 'decide' the nature of our relationship.  **This was interesting to me for two reasons.  I kind of felt and did the same.  I wanted her to know I'd been treated well, had a good life, etc. so she wouldn't feel any guilt over the choice she made.  (She did relinquish me voluntarily and I understand that you didn't.  I'm so sorry for that.  It makes me want to punch the person/people, that violated you so hideously, right in the face.  I'm not violent.  :-)  I don't act on these feelings, but I find that the subject of adoption -- especially, involuntary on the part of the mother -- brings the feelings to the surface.)  *sigh*  Anyway, the other reason that her reticence to share her 'darker' feelings was interesting to me was because, in addition to wanting her to know that I was 'okay', I also wanted to let her know that I had missed her and mourned her -- and always loved her -- but I was conflicted about how to do that without hurting her.  I don't know if this even makes sense...I was afraid that letting her know I had sadness and grief over my adoption would (incorrectly) make her think that I 'blamed' her for that sadness.  I didn't -- ever.

Sorry.  Anyway, your question just touched me so much and the first reaction I had to the "what can I say/do?" parts of your question was this:  Keep a journal (or write letters and don't send them) just for him.  In them, be as honest -- pain, anger, and all -- as you can with the intention to let him read/have them as an adult.  I agree that at 7 he wouldn't be able to 'process' the darker side of the truth, but in my experience, it was so very precious to me to have a glimpse of what she was feeling *at the time* by the things she had written when they were still fresh in her heart.  There was a lot of pain, sadness, anger, etc. in her earlier (nearer to the time of my adoption) writings -- and they resurfaced from time to time as the years passed.  But they had the absolute air of truth and sincerity to them and that meant so much to me.

I don't know what to tell you about the "happy slappy" letters they want you to write.  I haven't been in your shoes, but I've been in a position where I felt at odds with how 'the establishment' dictated I should feel -- and that was pretty dang crappy.  I couldn't put on the "happy face" they wanted me to, either.  It just didn't ring true...because it wasn't.  Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.  And I agree, the situation is just f***ed up!  I'm torn on this one, too.  I worry for your son (having a 7 year old that I'm close to) that if he hears nothing from you, he might get the wrong idea about why.  My 7 year old niece is very clever and very sensitive.  I'm sure he's got at least a basic understanding of the situation (not the 'kidnapping' part of it, but the 'adopted' part) and I feel for him in that he's most likely wondering about you.

Are the letters that you receive written by your son, or by the parents?  What kind of 'mood' is there in his letters (if he writes them)?

Will the 'agency' be reading your letters before they are sent on? (If you do choose to write them.)  It would be reasonable to assume the parents will read them first, if not the agency also.

Again, this is why I think the journal/'kept' letter idea could be so important.  To give your son the complete picture when he is of age.

By the way, I don't necessarily think that 'adulthood' is the proper time.  I think some adoptees (as in my case) are ready for the whole truth at a much younger age.  That's where I was at 14.  Was I 'fully' mature? Of course not.  But I *was* ready.  I'm using the 'adulthood' standard because that is what many/most agencies and/or governments prescribe.  Except those in the US that think we are *never* adults...or ready.

I hope you can find what you are looking for out of this horrible experience.  I know the best-case-scenario (your son with YOU) has already been destroyed by the evil-hearted and money-driven.  I hope you can find peace and the best that you can under the current circumstances.

Bless you!  Take care!