Letting Niece Move In.....?

Question

I am 25 and have a 1 yr. old and a husband. Very recently, my 14 yr. old niece's parents(my sister and brother-in-law)died in a car crash. I feel so bad for my niece, that I am letting her move in and she is happy as well as my husband.

My niece and I are very good friends, but now I can't just be her friend, I have to be her gaurdian too(getting papers for that). Right now she's with my brother(he can't care for her for long, only until next week because he is moving), so now I have sometime to get cracking.

Although I only have gotten out of teenhood seven years ago(I consider after 18, your an adult, not a teen), I don't really know what I should do?

I have some pretty fair rules(10 o'clock curfew, bed at 10:30 on school nights, etc.), but I feel I need some help.

She's very responsible and gets good grades and will help with my daughter. I love her and hope she will contunie this positive attitude.

But still, I'm new at rasing teenagers. Any advice? Thanks!

Answer 1

I think what you are doing is great.  Your niece needs family now.  I think you need to sit her down before she moves in and let her know what the rules are going to be, and what kind of consequences there will be for breaking them.  Also, what kind of household chores she will be expected to do, and what sort of rewards (like allowance) you are willing to give her in return.  Talk to her like a grown up though, not a child. She has to understand that you aren't trying to take the place of her parents, but that you love her just as much.  

Also, I think that being out till 10 is too late for a 14 year old.  Make it 9:30, except maybe on special occassions.  Another rule you should think about:  Make sure she knows she will not be allowed to go out with anyone, or to anyone else's house without having met them and/or talked to their parents.  I also don't think a kid her age needs a bed time, specifically one as responsible as she is.  Let her stay up if she wants; get her an alarm clock and let her know she WILL get up and to school on time regardless of how late she stays up.  She has to learn to take care of her own body, she only has a few years until college.

Basically, make sure she understands that although you are going to protect her and look after her, you'll be her friend though this hard time.

Answer 2

Along with the other two answers, I would talk to her about what rules her parents had and see if you can comprise on some of those.  It might help the adjustment in your household easier for everyone.

Added:

If her curfew was 10 before and she is a good kid, I wouldn't change it.  If she gives you a reason to later on, then maybe.  She has to deal with a lot right now, you don't want her to think you are trying to take her mom's place.  That could cause problems between you two.

Answer 3

Well, try to remember how you and your friends were at that age. It sounds like she's a good kid, so that will help alot. I'd keep close tabs on her and who she likes. I'd make sure she knows about s*x and your families take on it (wait till married, diseases, boys only want s*x, that sort of things). You might also see if she wants councelling about her loss or wants to talk to someone at school. Otherwise I'd just let her know that she can come to you about anything (she needs to hear that) and try to do your best. Hope it goes ok for all of you!

Answer 4

you are doing a great thing. Your going to be fine. You basically have to assume that your her mom and I would do the same thing i would want to do when my daughter gets that age. your going to be fine but you get an A for being prepared.....

Answer 5

I am also a 25 year old and my fiance and I took in our 16 year old niece, when she was 15 for similar circumstances. Her mother passed away, dad was good for nothing; still is. A year later we are having BIG problems. LEt me fore warn you....not discourage you. What you are doing will be great for you adn her, just some advice....

DO NOT try to make up for her loss, or past disappointments. You can't! and then it will be taken advantage of and expected!

DON'T give in. Once you've said something, mean it. Don't let tears, pouting, temper tantrums, or other behavior sway your decision. (they learn to perform this all the time)

But don't be too hard. Trust your gut! Don't be fooled! GOOD LUCK!!! If you need a friend, email me!

Answer 6

tell her everything you have told us. be open with her and tell her that you will expect her to be open with you. Tell her that it is going to be a strange transition from friends to gaurdian but that you aren't going to be her parents because that is a relationship you can't replace.

You have to remember what it was like. Be ready for tears over nothing, for boyfriends, for peer pressure, for attitude.

Don't expect too much from her. I mean, expect good grades and a decent amount of help around the house, but do not expect a live in babysitter.

Do not give into everything. Chances are, she'll be expecting stuff. Stuff to make up for her parents, for her move, for her transition, just because. Don't spoil the kid.

And remember that even though she is technically a teenager, she's still a kid. She still needs someone to be there, to hold her hand, to give her a hug.

A study was done on teens that showed that those who were hugged six times a day were least likely to have anxiety disorders, eating disorders, premarital s*x, bad grades, or use alchohol or drugs.