Letting past affect relationship with new husband?

Question

My husband and I have been married about one year. We are both 45 and have the full complement of ex's, daughters, step-daughters, former in-law's, etc., most of which we take in stride. However, I was involved in a violent relationship for five years which I was finally able to extricate myself from. It seems that the scars from that are negatively affecting my marriage now. When we argue, I have a tendency to get really extreme really fast (always yelling, which he can't stand, and occasionally throwing things), and I recognize that this is a result of the irrational survival skills I learned in the scary relationship, but I can't figure out how to let go of them. I definitely am suffering from PTSS. Also, my husband tends to be passive and have a hard time making his point when we disagree, and I feel very goaded by that. Goaded to behave too extremely. Does any one have any ideas? I have gone to therapy, but I recognize that I'm probably not done there or I wouldn't still be having such severe dysfunction in my relationship.

Answer 1

Therapy isn't always a quick fix proposition. This will take time and hard work on both of your parts. If the therapist

you have seen or are seeing isn't helping then perhaps you need to find another counselor. Hopefully you both are going to see this therapist together so your husband can understand what you are going through.

Answer 2

WoW..I can very much relate. Perhaps the issues for you reach farther back than you may realize consciously? ...just thinking that the violent relationship you describe had some deeper roots that led you into it. Your present husband sounds quite different, as though the intellectual side of you recognizes him to be the preferred mate... but his passive nature is somehow in conflict with your need or expectation to be controlled? This isn't a "you are" or "he is" at fault issue. You mentioned that you have gone to therapy, but has he? Something like this definitely needs a joint effort. You may consider having yourself evaluated for subtle disorders that are not debilitating for you, but may be significant factors with how & why you are challenged to maintain controls on your behavior. For example, many people (my wife) suffer from AD/HD but have compensated throughout their life...only to eventually reach a point that your compensation mechanism breaks down. Best of luck to both of you...keep working on it together.  

Answer 3

I want to commend you for leaving that dysfunctional relationship.  What often happens is that participants in that type of relationship "learn" behaviors and thought patterns which assist them in coping at that time, but have no real positive benefit post-relationship, which you have found.  

What I recommend is that you work on "re-programming" yourself by these following reminders: 1. These behaviors and thoughts which no longer serve a positive purpose are "learned". Therefore, you must "unlearn" them, or replace them with behaviors and thoughts which do such a positive purpose in your life; 2.  Recognize that you're responsible for your thoughts, actions, perspective and behaviors. How you view yourself affects your interaction with those around you. Look at defining what makes you yourself: what makes you happy? feel good? what are your interests, talents, gifts?  what are your challenges, weaknesses? Then, celebrate these things, embrace them, nurture yourself, work on helping yourself to grow in a way that feels right for you;  3. Continue therapy.  Use this time with your therapist to assist you with going and growing beyond the dysfunctional relationship, and its affect on you.  The therapist isn't going to "cure" you, they are to be your guide to discovering the solutions to this situation which already lays within you, waiting to be discovered;  4.  Find ways to nurture yourself.  Consider self-exploration, either through engaging in some activity you like, or  something you've always wanted to try.  Try reading books about spiritual enlightenment, like "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle, or taking a class, maybe yoga, or archery, or researching your geneology.  Something for YOU!; 5. Nurture your relationship with your husband.  Identify what you love about him.  Make time to spend with him, doing things you both enjoy.  Let him know how much you appreciate specific things he does.  

Take care, hang in there, and good luck.  

Answer 4

YES.