Letting your child express himself...but at what point do you step in??

Question

I knew this time would come eventually and I am really unprepared for it. I know as a parent there are times when you have to put your own personal feelings aside so your child can express himself and his own likes and dislikes, but at what point do you have to jump in and stop it??

My son is almost 11 and starting to act and dress like some of the kids in the neighborhood that does not represent our family in a very positive way and definitly does not reflect the way he was raised.

I know through Jr. High and High School there is peer pressure to "look cool" and dress a certain way but why does he have to wear his pants hanging half way down his a$$ when we pay good money to buy him clothes that fit??

And since when did it become the "norm" to not use good grammar? "He don't know what he be doin'" huh?? "My friend here, we out?" ?? "That tight, he tight, she tight, etc..."

I've made him rewrite his sentences in proper English but that doesn't work. Is it that hard to add a simple 2-3 letter word to your sentence? Why does that make you so "uncool?"

Everytime I see him I pull his pants up but I can't tell what he's doing when he's not with me, which is probably pulling them down again!

I know there are worse things he could be doing, basically he's a good kid. He's not into drugs, drinking, crime, but I'm afraid that if I don't step in now he'll push it too far. The other day he started talking about how his friends found out the gang signs for bloods and crypts. Now, I remember the whole mysteriousness and curiousity about the bloods and crypts being such bad gangs and all that when I was his age, (20 years ago), but he seems to be a little too interested in it.

Ughh...any advice. Would you lock him up until he's 18?? LOL...no really??

Answer 1

I hung with that same crowd in highshool and grew out of it.  Hopefully it's a phase, and I would tell him to talk like a normal person aound the house, he can talk like that around his friends.  I never talked the way I did in front of my family out of respect.  Maybe I was a "poser"!

Answer 2

At age 11, you should still be able to get a handle on him.

With regard to pulling his pants up, I would establish certain settings in which the rule is that the pants must be pulled up, and require that he appear with his own pants pulled up on those occasions.  For instance, if you are are appearing in public as a family, such as going out to eat or going to church.  If I had to pull up his pants, there would be CONSEQUENCES.   If I caught him with his pants down in a situation I had decreed was unacceptable, I would ground him, and tell him that he could not leave the house until he had convinced me that he knew how to dress himself in such a way that he would not embarass himself or the entire family, or get arrested for public indecency.  

He should be able to learn some rules about when it is OK (hanging out in his friend's bedroom or at the skate park, and when it is NOT OK (church, restaurants, weddings, anywhere you have to see him, etc).   The important thing is that he learn the lesson that there are places where he might get away with edgy attire, and places and situations where it is ABSOLUTELY INAPPROPRIATE.  If he demonstrated that he understood that distinction, I would tolerate some small degree of it.  I would have "the talk" with him about police, however, and explain how gang sign and droopy drawers could get him shot or thrown in jail.

Would any other parents in your neighborhood be interested in throwing a small block party, so that you could invite the police to come talk to the neighborhood about neighborhood watch, and, incidentally, gangs?    Can you find some tv shows about gangs and watch them with him?   Talk openly about what bothers you about it.  

I would put my foot down on the gang stuff.   There would be consequences if I saw any sign of it.  If it went too far, I would simply ground him and tell him I was afraid to let him out of my sight because I am concerned he's going to get himself killed.  He could leave the house again when he convinced me that he understood the dangers of gangs and would not go within ten miles of anything gang-related..   That's not "expressing himself".  That is playing Russian Roulette.  The problem is that he could knowingly dress himself in gang colors or send out gang sign thinking it was "cool", run into a rival gang member, and get himself killed.

I would not lock him up until he was 18, but I would lock him up for short periods anytime that he went beyond my limits.  I would try to find areas were I could give him some slack, and I would only allow him to visit with friends who I suspected of being a bad influence when I was there to keep an eye on them.

It might be time, too, to increase his involvement in organized activities like bowling leagues, ball teams, karate, gymnastics, volunteering, etc.   He could also start finding some odd jobs to earn money.   The busier you keep him, the less time he has to research gang sign.

Answer 3

You step in when you want. I had the same thing with my son, but he was a few years older. WE bought the pants, so we let him have a size bigger, but he had to wear a belt. We let them drag (that was a big concession).

Just don't allow it, period.

Talk to him about his use of language, and tell him that it's important in your family that you all make good use of your education and speak and write well.

Know who his friends are, who he is hanging around with. Monitor what he's doing on the computer and make sure it's in a public place. Have his passwords and let him know that you are looking - don't make it a secret.

I wish you luck - just be vigilant.

Answer 4

Well you won't be able to stop him but eventually he'll grow out of his little "hard core gangster" ways. They all do when they realize they aren't Tupac or 50 Cent. Theres no such thing as proper grammer with a teenager (trust me, i'm 17).

My boyfriend used to wear pants like that, I just started buying a size smaller so they would stay up. Eventually he was convinced that they looked better. If I were you, I would buy 1 size smaller and burn the rest of his jeans lol. He can't go to school in his boxers...the "homeboys" won't be "down with that" . Good luck!

Answer 5

Peer Pressure is very strong.  He is just being a kid and going with the times even though we may not like it.  When my daughter tries those things I don't stop her, but instead I keep talking to her about respect and self respect.  Self respect and not being a follower but a leader are important traits to have.  Encourage those and don't focus on the clothes and grammar too much.  You can even go as far as to tell him that in your presence he has to use proper language.  This will at least keep him in touch with proper use of words for when he grows out of this stage.

Answer 6

My son is 15.  I totally comprehend your feelings.  One thing though, I am not an Amercian.  Grammar for me is not a big issue.  It's related to his school work.  Usually they will adjust to the proper way when they relate to a very intelligent discussion in order to show their knowledge.  

Being a mother, at their pre- or teenage, is so tough.  Our little darling is gone somewhere.  Whatever we plan and expect them.  They don't want to follow and listen (believe or not, they keep it in their heart).  I was in such an agitation mode for years.  Finally I realise that he wants to be a real man, but at the same time, he still relies on us.  He keeps struggling in between.  Finding his own identity.  Try to act like his peer.  If you recall when we were young, we did have this period also.

My suggestion to you is:  Do you know how to fishing?  The game during this age is a fishing game.  If you give them too much freedom, they'll fly out of pan; if you restricted them, they become more repelled.  If he is just acting like a young man, do not act across the line like:  cursing at you, being violent, skipping school, missing homework, etc.  Leave him alone, no pushing.  Criticism will make things worse.  For me, I ask my son very slightly where he's been, who he's been with, what he's done.  When he has sleep-over, I speak to his friends parent, make sure where he is.  I also prepare more entertainment unit at home, always cook a delicious meal, a lot of snacks, make sure he feels more comfortable to stay home than going out.  Allow him to invite his friends, strangers are only allowed in day time.  I also quit my job to stay home make sure when he needs me I'm always around.  My case is worse than you.  I spent many years of making money and finally I realise money can't do everything.

I understand it's tough to accept our babies growing up.  Not the one always calls of mama.  They start having their own privacy.  Need a lot of respect.  It took me few years finally get to the point to say, ok, you are a young man.  You want me to be your friend instead of your mother.  I remember my son said to me, can you accept I am who I am?  When I accept it, he cools down and is willing to share his life with me again.  At this stage, I realise he is a man, not my baby anymore.

Answer 7

it is to be expected he will rebel at some point. Just be patient and calm with him. Set rules ( not too strict), that he knows he has to follow.

Praise and encourage him when he is being good, ie polite, nice , quiet, and don.t give him lots of attention when he is being 'bad' ie don't shout , scream etc.(as he is seeking attention). Just calmly and firmly explain what he has done wrong, why it is wrong and what his punishment will be ( ie grounding).

Good luck!

Answer 8

well the best thing to do is let your kids express themselves if if you dont like it. its just a part of growing up. where most things now are confusing and just plain wierd you should try to learn there language and try to understand what he is saying. such as ''thats tight'' in meening thats cool or thats awsome. you should let him express himself all he wants because he then has two choice. one being that he goes out and does it anyway and will rebel against you. (like me). or you can let him be himself and letting him do that will make him have more respect for you and create a stronger bond with you. it doesnt matter what he looks like or what he says its if h**l really do it. so if he says ''i hate him/her so much i just want to kill him/her'' if you kids show or has a history of violent behaviour then you should be worried. another example is if he want to get a piercing you should let him get one. no your going to say NO WAY! but you must thing of the results. either he can get it done by a professional or her can do it himself and that where medical bills come in. you also have to remember that when you grew up times were different and that no what was unacceptable then is now ok to get or have. so let him be and unless you see a very bad change or action(s) then thats when you need to jump in and say ''HOLD IT! we need to talk'' TRUST ME! im 15 and am going through this my parents dont understand me at all and try to to think that what would be best for them will be best for me and its not. AT ALL!  

Answer 9

I have a 15 year old and a 12 year old - the 15 year old is just starting to become normal again (lol) and the 12 year old is just starting this type of stuff.

My philosophy... they could be doing so much worse and it is a natural developmental stage - so I pick my battles.

I have told them both that I am willing to respect that they are growing up and to step back a little, but that a part of this means they need to respect that I do not like some of their language and to avoid using certain words in my ear shot.

To me this is a compromise and it has worked so far.

Going through the rebellious stage and experimenting with words and appearance is necessary for them to become individuals with self confidence in their own choices.

I don't think our job is to STEP IN as such, but to guide them through positive re-inforcement and support into appropriate ways of expressing themselves.