Life not working, hiding secret relationship, relapsing into depression, what should I do?

Question

I count myself as a 'depressed person in remission'. Having had the condition since I was in my teens, being treated for it on and off, and having a genetic disposition to it, I accept it being a part of me. I also have symptoms of hypoglycemia and get depressed if I eat excessive sugar. My hypoglycemia was so bad lately I had to go on a strict diet.

I had a partial breakdown yesterday. I forgot a uni presentation worth 15% of my mark for one subject was due. I read emails about sending my part along. I misread the emails and did the wrong part. When the other group members passed on I had done the wrong part, I snapped and wrote to the lecturer telling him I was sick and had a doctors certificate. The people in the group tho I was in frustrated me all along anyway.

At present, I am engaged in a physical relationship with a friend. It's a secret, I have been lying to my friends and family about it. I have tried to leave the door open for it being a trial run of actually being a proper relationship but he seems determined to just be "friends". He wants to see me like four nights a week tho. I feel like a "dirty little secret" of his as he seems paranoid people will find out and takes me to restaurants far away where he won't run into people. He cares about me on SOME level; he's going to help me to get a doctors certificate to get out of that breakdown i had over the presentation.

I do full time uni and 28 hours a week. I don't resent my job; I have been trying to get a new one. I made the decision a month ago that I would no longer allow myself to feel paranoid and if they hated my work they should fire me. 28 horus a week means I don't have time to breathe let alone get another job- my hours actually increased when I stopped being paranoid.

I binged on chocolate before so that may be skewing me toward googling terms like "assisted suicide". But this possibility of ending my life has been around for years. None of my friends know I'm emotionally fragile/depressed; I guess I feel trapped. I just want to tell the world to "sod off" for a few days and I want to get on with my homework. I know I can't tho? I am exhausted all the time. It's almost 3am in the morning and I'm writing this knowing I have two big assessments due next week. I am a Christian for the record, I know God gave me life etc, he should be the one to take it away etc, he cares about me...maybe. Why am I so ANGRY at everything?

Advice?

Answer 1

I had to hide a relationship once. For about a year, actually. It was a rock-solid, faithful relationship... but it still took a horrible toll on me.

Don't beat yourself up so much. Just surround yourself with people who actually care about you. You deserve to be loved, not kept a secret. Trust me, it's affecting you more than you know.

OK, so you're stressed, overworked, angry and feeling unloved... now what do you do? Every night (or morning), count your accomplishments and blessings. I know that sounds cliche, but it does put your life in perspective. I helped this customer today, I called a friend just to see how she was, I didn't binge... reward yourself for the positives. Listening to rocking music helps as well :)

Good luck...

Answer 2

prolly just stressed, you just need some time for your self.

Answer 3

Sounds to me like you need to surround yourself with people at all times who care about you and can help you stay safe. Either that or have someone take you to the hospital and get yourself supervised.

Once you are stabilized you will find that things are much better. But do remember that you need to take care of yourself, maybe more deliberately than others. No need feeling sorry for yourself, just a fact of life for you.

To keep yourself in good mental shape, you need:

Proper nutrition, sleep, exercise.

Get your hypoglycemia and any other med issues straightened out, and follow directions with regard to that stuff.

A solid group of loved ones.

Rely on your faith to help you through hard times.

Do not allow yourself to live with any secret ANYTHING. Dr Drew from celebrity rehab (and a very wise man, IMHO) says "You are only as sick as your secrets." The difference between a secret and a surprise is that secrets are not supposed to be revealed, where surprises are. If you know that your relationship with this person is so unhealthy that you don't want anyone else to know about it, that seems to indicate that you need to let go of that relationship, don't you suppose?

Answer 4

You're angry at everything because of what you are doing to yourself. And yes, you are doing all of this to yourself.

Your Faith has zero relevence here. God giving you life (your belief thereof) does not tie into this in any way shape or form.

You need to learn to make better decision and you need to get to a shrink to do something about your poor sense of worth.

Answer 5

You want to get over your depressions?

don't have secret relationships. I had it and i got so depressed soooo much that my iron was low and got animia.

Do yoga. that helps you relax

Pray more, do more activities

Good luck girl :]

Answer 6

Good Lord, you are bringing all this on yourself.  Stop having a relationship that pisses everyone off, or tell everyone that you are having it and don't worry about what they think.  You seem to be over 18, so you should be old enough legally and morally to make your own decisions.  You know you have diabetic tendencies, so stop eating things that you aren't supposed to eat.  Take a little time to take care of yourself.  If you hate your job, quit and find a new one, but don't take your insecurities into work so everyone can play you with them.  Bored employees like that kind of feed for the boredom fire.  You need to get your life in order.  Either be a grown up and have your relationship and your life, or go home and let mommy and daddy take care of you forever.  Get on some meds for that depression and diabetes, and stop whining.  It isn't going to get you anywhere.  

Answer 7

You say you are a Christian but you don't know Christ.  If you knew God you would know His Word, the Holy Bible.  Your life wreaks of an unbeliever and not a Christian.  

You are fornicating with someone and you are not married.  And you call yourself a Christian.  You need to know what a Christian really is.You are as lost as anyone that I have ever seen.  You need to find the Lord and find Him quickly.  Faith comes by hearing and hearing the Word of God.  Start studying God's Word, the Holy Bible, King James Version.  If you don't, the devil will destroy you.  From reading your question, the devil is having his way with you now.

Answer 8

I'm not going to say that I've ever suffered from it as badly as you are, but I did suffer from depression. I still have the occasional bout into it - for example, I was in a minor car accident the other day. I wasn't hurt, and neither were any other cars damaged, but it was my fault, and it was a dumb mistake, and it's costing me a tonne of money I don't have right now. That night I certainly thought about taking my life because I felt so stupid. But always, when I get into a depressed state, and from my original state, the relief has come from a decision, and I think you're on the way to that decision yourself. I told myself I didn't like the way I was feeling, so I flat out wasn't going to feel like that anymore. If this boy is causing you grief, settle the problem, don't let it continue. If you're working too much, tell them to cut some of your hours, or you're quitting. They won't let you quit, because it takes time to find people, and money to train them, so they're going to rather keep you. Tell them a limit of 15 hours a week, and you won't work a minute over that. They'll accept that. Find the problems that are causing grief in your life, and get rid of them. When you're having negative thoughts, make a decision to banish them, and think about nicer things. Tell a friend or two about your depression, and ask them if you can rely on them to help you distract yourself from those thoughts. Call them when you're having an episode, and talk about boys or go see a movie or go clubbing. Do something! Anything to distract you from the things that are bringing you down. You keep praying. I'll pray for you. You'll get past all this. Peace!!