Listen to my poem Please Rate it from 0 to 20?

Question

The site of my brown eyes in the mirror before me was contradictory to the smile spread across my face,

When I look into the depths of my soul,

What I feel is dispare,

But what I see is Joy ,

As I sit at the table of my life I laugh so joyously its killing me,

The happiness I long to hold is laid out upon my face,

But it cant seem to find its way inside of me,

So I smile and laugh though I often cry in agony,

I'll just stand here and gaze into the mirror,

With my big brown eyes hoping,

Hoping someone would notice my smile and place it inside me

Please be frank with your ratings and comments

Answer 1

i give this a 16. I really like the honesty. the introspection. the clarity. Unfortunately i had to dock it a couple points for bad spelling. Also, I'm afraid the concept of "depths of my soul" seems to me  cliche and vague. I'd like to see you expand on what this refers to really. Good job, i like it.

Answer 2

Excellent job! You showed emotion and truth. It caught the readers attention from the start. It was great! I can't give you a perfect for there is always room for improvement so i'll give you a 18/20. Great Job though!

Answer 3

I find in this poetry link that people are down dreary and negative towards love and life. my rating to you is a 14. You repeat the words 'me' 3 times and 'face' 2 times at the end of a stanza! You need to show more imagination and more range in the usage of words. I can imagine Bob Dylan singing your words sittting in a chair in front of a store front in the wild west! Dressed in black, his guitar responding to his every whim and mouth organ a slave to his calling...

MY BROWN EYES

My brown eyes in the mirror

Contradicts my evil grin,

The depths defined my soul

Were not as deep when you fell in

The look across the table

Could have stabbed me in the heart,

If my answers cannot please you

Don't upset the apple cart.

I'm sitting at the table

Looking for some nourishment,

Smiling I hold out my hand

Cause all my money's spent

But you are like the Jack Of Spades

Wielding a heavy sword,

If your story was a rope

I'd hang on every word.

HARMONICA SOLO

I know you share in my regret

Your joy is killing me,

So I'll smile and raise you ten

Just for your company

Don't hold on to those Aces and Eights

I cry out in agony,

My big brown eyes won't shed a tear

For the way things have come to be...

Answer 4

Frankness, in this section, is usually somewhat hard to find.

I'll try.

First off, know what you're saying.  Spell-check won't change "site" to "sight" even though it should.  "Despair" is also incorrect.  If you need "Joy" to be capitalized, then leave it.  If it's not essential to you, lower-case.  I don't like to mess with what I may see as grammatical errors in most cases, simply because I sometimes make "mistakes" on purpose and can never really tell if someone else might not be doing that as well.

What seems to be a bit self-indulgent and trite (sorry, but you said frank) is offset by the semi-brilliance in line 6 ("As I sit . . . it's killing me,") and the perfect last line.

15/20  Finish it, polish it, and you might have something.

--EDIT-- Although it may have meant little to you when you posted it, I like that you said "Listen to my poem," even though we're reading it.  You seem to know that poetry, in it's most basic, is meant to be heard more than it is meant to be read (in most cases).

--EDIT 2-- Age means nothing.  I'm 26 and have a book out, and I'm perfectly willing to accept that there are probably people younger than me that are better than me somewhere in the world.  There are also published authors older than me that are worse.  I know, I took a class from one of them.