Don't be surprised if you have heard these. I just thought they were funny!
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," Little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"
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Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that.
After Little Johnny's first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went.
She said, "I think I broke his gambling".
The father asked how and she said, "He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money."
"d**n!" said the father.
"What's wrong?", the teacher asked.
Little Johnny's father said, "This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher's butt before the day was over!"
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Little Johnny was going to his fathers house one day and he was packing everything in his room and putting it in his little red wagon.
He was walking to his fathers house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill.
He started up the hill but was constantly swearing "This God d**n thing is so heavy"
A priest heard him and came out. "You shouldn't be swearing" said the priest. "God hears you...He is everywhere...He's in the chruch...He's on the sidewalk...He's everywhere"
Then Little Johnny says "Oh is he in my Wagon"
The prist replies "Yes Johnny God is in your Wagon"
Little Johnny says "Well tell him to get the h**l out and start pulling"
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Little Johnny and Suzy have nothing to do one day while in the house playing. All of a sudden, Johnny gets this great idea. "Let's take turns sliding down the banister rail!" he suggests.
"Oh no," answers Suzy, "That is way too scary."
"No, it is not," says Johnny, "it will be fun!" He proceeds to the top of the stairs. The banister rail is long and very smooth with a beautiful big marble ball at its base. Johnny climbs on and down he goes, squealing with excitement as he goes. He jumps off just before he gets to the marble ball at the bottom. "That was great," he says. "Come on, you try now."
Suzy still is not quite sure that this is such a good idea. "No," she says, "It looks too scary."
"No, it is not," said Johnny, and away he goes again to the top of the stairs. He climbs on and down he goes again, having just as much fun as he did the first time. He jumps off just before the marble ball at the bottom. "You gotta try this, it is the best!" urges Johnny.
Well, little Suzy is not one to stay scared for very long and this really does look like fun, so she agrees. To the top of the stairs she goes. She straddles the banister rail, and slowly lets go with her hands.
Down she goes, a lot faster than she expected. WHAM! Right into the marble ball at the bottom.
Little Suzy starts to cry and almost falls off the banister rail.
When Johnny sees her so upset, crying ever harder and holding her groin where she collided with the marble ball, he gets a little scared that maybe she has really hurt herself.
"Maybe you had better let me see," suggests Little Johnny.
So Suzy lifts her little dress and pulls down her panties.
Little Johnny's face goes pale white. "OH, NO!" he shouts. "This is horrible! You knocked it right off!"
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The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well, I ca
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