Living with someone who has Alzheimer's and trouble making friends...

Question

I'm having a hard time making, and keeping friends right now.. I live with my grandmother and she has Alzheimer's, I only get Mon, wed, and Fri nights off to do things. (I'm 24 female if that matters) I have a few friends now, but when I make plans with people they always seem to cancel on me, which I hate, and if it happens more than once, I end up not talking to them for awhile. I hold people up to the same standards I hold myself, I wont back stab someone and don't talk c**p behind someone's back, cause that's just wrong.. but it always seems that the friends I make do this to me. A lot of people don't understand a lot of the things I say when I talk about my grandmother.. people sometimes think what I say is mean, when in reality its not, its just how I express my frustrations and feelings.. just how I get it out (I have a background in ems, and if someone reading this also does you know what I mean by the stupid humor). So I guess my main questions are how do I make better friends, with the limited time I have to do things, where can I start going to meet new people(I go to clubs some, but not often). I don't have a lot of money to do new things. Are there groups of others that stay with Alzheimer's patients, that are also younger, and how do I find these groups?? And if my some lucky chance someone reads this and they live in the Mooresville/Salsibury area in NC, email me...

Answer 1

Normally people do not like to discuss ill Heath in general. The subject bores people. Happy thoughts should be shared.

So suggest you talk of better things. Topics mean a lot to friends. Try and see. Be witty. Soon your list of friends will increase.  

Answer 2

HI there,

I would not blame your grandmother for you not having friends. If people think what you are saying is mean, then it probably is not very nice. try to reword what you are saying or dont say anything at all. Making off color jokes about a sick family member really is not funny. If I had a friend like that I would wonder what things they were saying about me behind my back!! Although you insist you dont talk bad about your friends.

Try to be nice and say nice tihngs. People will respect you for helping out a sick loved one and not push you away. If you make her illness a pity party for you, that turns people off.

EDIT: I did not mean to 'read between the lines'. your question states: "Living with someone who has Alzheimer's and trouble making friends..." and goes on to say " A lot of people don't understand a lot of the things I say when I talk about my grandmother.. people sometimes think what I say is mean,..." that to me says you say things that are mean about your grandmother and people dont like so they stop being your friend.

If you want to find good friends join a group that interests you, you will meet people with similar interests thus have other things to talk about. If you want to find a group of people that can relate to what you are going through then join an alzheimer's support group.

EDIT 2: Thank you for clarifying. It takes a lot of patience to do the work you do. And your right, its hard to relate if you have never experienced that yourself. My grandmother has not been diagnosed with alzheimers but lets just say she's 91 so not always bathing and eating on her own. She is in a very nice home and her 4 kids and 15 grandkids and their husbands and wives and kids all visit her very regularly. You are doing a good thing taking care of her on your own. I recommend joining a group like I said before, maybe a sport or something so you can relieve some stress. But also, joining a support group. Best of luck.

Answer 3

IDK what to suggest.  Here in our area, there is a group meeting weekly for family and friends of Alzheimers patients, on how to cope with the problem.

My mother-in-law is in the early stages of dementia and is on medication, so I understand.

Answer 4

Many people do not know how to respond when someone discusses Alzheimer's; it's very frustrating but it happens all the time.  During my dad's course thru the disease, my mom lost ALL of her friends; and only a few reconnected with her during her last few weeks, several years after Dad died.  I hate seeing how clueless people treat those of us who deal with this terrible disease on a daily basis.

My first suggestion to you would be to join some support groups.  You can contact the Alzheimer's Association for local chapters, who can then direct you to local support groups.  There are also some Yahoo groups you can look into; I will provide you with links to the ones I belong to, and you can visit them and decide for yourself.  

You don't say in your post if you are your grandmother's primary caregiver; if you are, can you talk to her doctor about getting some help?  The doctor can direct you to many resources; one is Hospice, and while Hospice is typically for patients who have a life expectancy of six months or less, many doctors and Hospices will bend this rule in the case of Alzheimer's.  You can also try your local Department of Aging (I don't know what it's called here in NC, I'm originally from IL but can try to find out for you) and ask them if they coordinate volunteers to come in and sit with the patient while the caregiver takes a much-needed break.  

One more suggestion for you; if you are the primary caregiver, please PLEASE make sure you have durable POA for finances and health care set up.  I cannot stress the importance of these two little pieces of paper.  Also, has your grandmother ever stated her wishes as far as being on life support?  You might want to speak to her doctor about having a living will and DNR in place.  If and when you do get these documents, make lots of copies; keep one in your purse, keep one in your glove compartment, tack one to the fridge or behind the front door; that way if something happens and you need to call 911 or drive Grandma to the ER, you always have a copy of the papers readily available.

I'm in Gastonia; you are more than welcome to email me privately if you like!!  Honestly, if your so-called friends were talking sh** behind your back about you, then are they truly friends you'd want??  I know I wouldn't.  It might take some time; but you will find friends who do understand what you are going through and will stick by you no matter what.  

Answer 5

Oh mannn... I feel for you.

I cared for my father who had dementia and Alzheimer's. It was exhausting and I lost a lot of friends (and nearly my marriage) because people cannot understand what it is like to care for someone you love who has this.

Try looking up: http://www.supportworks.org/cat770.htm for support groups in your area.

Also contact care homes that deal with Alzheimer's patients for support groups.

You are by circumstance; more mature than most 24-year-olds whose world may revolve around getting ahead in their new careers in between getting drunk and l*id. They cannot relate to arguing with a loved one or trying not to almost constantly. Bathing, dressing and toileting your grandmother. Babysitting..caring for the one who cared for you.

Try to surround yourself with other ems that get your sense of humor. Seek a support group. Enlist family and friends or professionals to help care for grandma.

Go out, take a class, exercise..do something for you to be around people your age and interests...and don't feel guilty when you do it.

No one can appreciate what your heart is going through until they go through it themselves, and when the time comes that grandma needs a care facility..do not feel guilty about it.

She lived her life as she chose to..she would want the same for you.

good luck.