Lol I havent written in a while and I wanted to know what you guys think =)

Question

Just a little poem I was inspired to write last night. I havent written since my dog died so Im really happy I got to write last night lol. I wanna know what you guys think =) thanks.

"SCIENTIFIC METHOD"

My empirical question is why do I exist?

As I threw out promising answers that all ended with a twist

I sit on my desk and scratch at my head

Ignoring the tempting beckoning of my bed

I propose my hypotheses for my observations

But none of these results had good, strong foundations

Then an educated guess gave me a bit of hope

As all my theorys went an uphill slope

Now my graph ain't so bad and my pie chart reigns

And everything else became too easy to obtain

So I decide to test my promising theory

To end all at once this curiousity and weary

Controlled variable: Is your whole being and soul

And I the manipulative variable who's heart you stole

Using control in this experiment is out of the question

For it is to I, myself, would be inflicting this oppression

Observation, I believe was the step I enjoyed most

For I was to interact, use my "senses" and its mandaroty to be close

As I collected my data I wanted to learn much more

Maybe childhood memories, secrets, or perhaps how loud you snore

I did write a journal and kept records of our progress

From spoken words, heart felt glances and and all the stress

The procedure goes on as the world continues to turn

For you've won me, this changable element and affection Ill yearn

For those who'd like to try this experiment out

The materials I used were love, respect, trust and just a pinch of doubt

And now for my conclusion in this epic experimentation

Why do I exist? For your being is to its utmost perfection

And thou should not be allowed therefore I am made, your opposite, your frustration

Answer 1

You are quite the Poetess... i loved it.

sorry about your dog

Answer 2

If your not the type who takes constructive cristism to well, please don't read any of this.

This is a list of things I found wrong with your poem, and an edit of it. I removed a few words, and implemented it with more relative adjectives, and verbs. Don't think of it as a revise, just a tuning. You know how you can either bring your car in for a tune up, or get a new one. I'm just tuning your poem up. You people who read this, who think all poetry is wonderful and amazing, just because it comes from the heart are right, in one area, but who doesn't like a car that runs better. So please don't mock with thumbs down. Thank you.€

Possible errors that I saw

Line 1 - Saying the word EMPIR-----"ICAL" is like taking your tongue and trying to pull it out. Not only is hard to pronounce, an "empircal question," is every question, so it is redundant if you are smart enough to notice it. ....

Lines 2/3 -  You use the past tense, "Threw," in line 2 then change over to present tense in line 3 "sit".

Line 4/5 - Head and bed? Seriously? Couldn't think up other words for head, such as scalp, hairy crown, skull of (adj) hair. Do this for bed also. Then you will add some interest to your readers minds, instead of conveying the the unadvanced lame poetic skills you exhibited here.

Line 6/7 - 5/6's present tense,  tense mixed up in 7 when you past.

8/9 - You stick with the past tense. Read line 9. It's missing a word.

"went an uphill slope."

10 - Good metaphore. With an answer you found a new hope, and with that new hope your life began to rise with happiness fueling your cloud-nine. Pie chart, got it, just a little too eccentric, and sporadic for poetry. Of course you can use some, but what you have to do is keep your spontanious metaphores to a limit.

With 10 and nine together, your tense is c-rap.

What I am going to do now is just the edit, because I can't point any more errors with out getting a mirgrane.

Edit:

My prevalent question is;

Why do I exist?

I throw out many promising answers

that all end in a hated twist.

I perch on my tired desk,

and scratch at my scalp.

My bed becokens for me to sleep,

but that doesn't help.

I propose an hyptoneuse

for observation.

But none of my results,

stand on a strong foundation.

Suddenly an educated guess

lends me some hope.

All my theories rise

in an uphill slope.

I decide to test

a promising theory,

which should at once

end my curiousity and weary.

A controlled variable:

Is the whole of my being and soul,

and I a mainpulative variable

who's heart you stole.

Using control in this experiment

is out of the question.

For it is I, myself, who would be

inlflicting this oppression.

Observation, I believe

was the step I enjoyed most,

For with my senses,

I came increadibly close.

This is seriously like tuning a broken down car. It is next to impossible, and ardous to no-end. I need a smoke, and I need to move on. I've been at your question for way to long. I give your first draft a 2, and mine an incomplete 4.

Keep writing, but not so lenghty next, please.