Loneliness?

Question

If it wasn't for the sun

I couldn't see how alone I was

And not for the moon,

Could I feel the emptiness inside.

Does that qualify as a beginner's attempt at writing dreary poetry?

Answer 1

It sure does. There's a first for everything, you'll probably find it very easy as you go on. Just don't get absorbed in it, because if you write a lot of dreary things, they will start affecting you, and you'll start feeling down often as well. That's never a good cycle.

Answer 2

Congrats, you conveyed much meaning in a few lines.

Answer 3

This is not at all dreary.  It is visual and it engages the emotions. An excellent beginning.

Answer 4

I feel this is descriptive, not dreary.  An honest look at honest emotion.

Answer 5

As for dreary I dont agree. Even in regular poetry this needs some editing.

Go for sumthing like this:

If the sun had not lit the way,

I never wouldve seen the emptiness hidden in my depths,

If the moon had not burrowed into my soul,

Me emptiness would have consumed me,

I walked the street crowded by human beings,

yet I was an alien,

Surrounded only by me lacking the mirror I needed to see into the depths of my soul,

I wandered alone an alien in my society,

All alone with me myself and I

But who is the me I long to see and be ,

Why is the I , I wish to know ,

Longing and thirsting for a group of people whos hatred and faults would consume me as theyve done themselves

Why am I so alone, yet do not know the definition of lonely????

Answer 6

Is dreary what you are striving for? That adjective seems pretty constricting and predictable. What about "dreamy" or "formidable" or "personal and perceptive"

"If it wasn't for the sun, even a bed cannot provide solace and comfort

No matter how many bodies lay beneath

If not for the moon, How could you take the sun's gift for granted?"