Lonely in Copenhagen?

Question

I'm studying abroad in Copenhagen this semester. I've been here for a week. I haven't really connected with anyone and met any lifelong friends yet. The Danes are nice, but they don't seem interested in being friends with me. They'll talk about their plans for Fall Break trips in front of me but don't invite me along. No one smiles in the streets or in the hallways. My Danish classmates are nice and helpful, but they rarely make eye contact when we have coffee together and never seem interested in talking and becoming friends. I had to ask question after question to keep the conversation going, otherwise we would be sitting in complete silence. Also, one day I had a nice conversation with a Danish girl and then a few days later we passed in the halls and it was like she didn't even know me.

Also, students at the dorm I'm staying at are kind of rude. They don't hold the door open when they see someone behind them. When I hold the door open for others, no one even says thank you. They just smile or barely even look at me.

I feel invisible and lonely here. I've tried to be as nice and polite and respectful as possible. But I haven't connected with anyone at all. It will be very embarrassing to go back home without having made a single good friend here (my mom keeps saying I will meet SO many people, etc). Yeah right. What am I doing wrong? Is it because I'm black? Also, I am not really interested in going out to drink and get drunk. All I want is a friend to do something with, to explore the city with and stay up all night talking with and maybe do some travelling around Europe with. I'm very shy so it's hard for me to know what to say and come up with witty & interesting things to say to keep people interested. What do I need to do to meet more people (besides go to bars & get drunk)?

Answer 1

Voelven pretty much hit the nail  

Answer 2

Voelven has it right; you don't make a lifelong friend (certainly not a Dane) in a week.

One need not be a drinker to enjoy college life in Denmark - there are plenty of coffee bars and whatnot you can enjoy, or you can go to the bars and not drink (they won't tease you about it - much.)

Danes have a warped sense of humour, and if you do make friends with them, pulling your leg, ribbing you and what not are always a part of the conversation.

It's just a matter of hanging in there to break the ice - you need to give it time because as it's been said, most Danes are painfully shy and don't readily approach people because of it.

Answer 3

After spending more than 5 weeks in Denmark this past summer I have to tell you that your experience is not unusual. Your best bet is to make friends with other international students. This is the case not only in Copenhagen but at most universities. International students, on average, make far more friends with other international students than they do with locals regardless of where they go.

Good luck!

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Answer 4

I think you're a little stuck with the culture clash. Danish culture is very different from the U.S. (if this is where you are from), but you do not need to go out and get drunk to make friends, and I'm confident that people are not shunning you because of your skin colour.

First of all, you been there a week, give it time. You cannot make lifelong friends within 7 days, especially not Danes, but when you do make friends it will be the real thing.

Second of all, in Denmark politeness is often shown through gestures, smiles (as you've noticed when holding the door) or laughs. That your class mates are nice and helpful to you means that they are interested in you, if they weren't they'd ignore you. While "thank you", "sorry", "excuse me" certainly exsists, it is not used as much as in other cultures. Danes also are not big on looking strangers in the eyes, unless you're in for a job-interview, so that's certainly not something you should take personally. I consciously had to remind myself to do it when living abroad.

Third, Danes are shy and will be hesitant to bother you, even if they are dying to make contact.¨

Fall-break in Denmark usually means spending time with family or friends (especially if you are at university and many students have family in other parts of the country) and it is not custom to invite people you've just met to join you, so that's definitely not anything personal.

So my advice to you is to be patient first of all, don't hestitate to take the first step when meeting people, and be honest. Like when the conversation stops, remark on it, make a little joke about it or something (eg. are people always this quiet in Denmark?).

Even though you do not drink, then why not go with them when they go out? This is a very good way to get closer to people. No-one is going to force you to drink if you go out in the evenings, and usually not everyone in a group will get drunk, many just like to sit and talk in a quiet corner of the pub or cafe. If people start getting drunk and you don't want to hang out with them any longer, simply excuse yourself with a smile and take a taxi home.

As for the fall-break, when you're talking to a group of your class mates, mention that you don't know anyone in Denmark and will be all alone during the fall-break and ask if anyone has any suggestions of what you can do?

Same with exploring the city. Ask if someone has the time to show you around.

Also, once you make friends, be aware that pulling your friends' leg, sarcasm and irony is all part of the Danish way of showing affection, which can be difficult for many foreigners to understand. I unwittingly brought my first American friend to tears on a couple of occasions until I learned that she did not handle this part of my culture very well and until she learned that I had absolutely no intention of hurting or insulting her. So don't be hurt if people laugh and pull your leg a little, it's a good sign. They wouldn't be doing it if they didn't like you.

Go out and get them! Pass this first cultural hurdle, and I'm sure you will make friends, and also the stay up all night and travel around Europe kind of friends.

I hope this helped. Feel free to write to me if you have questions or things are not going the way you want it.